Offer your children a diet of pumpkin soup for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
In the absence of children , offer it to your spouse. Or offer it to yourself.

2.
Color your face and hands Green.
And hold a placard with the words: MOTHER NATURE .
Then stand outside on the highway at peak hour traffic.
Just watch what they do to you.

3.
When the children come knocking tonight and they shout: Trick or Treat? tell them:
I’m doing the Trick and Treat, little darlings - and say:
The Trick is, I’m going to recite one of my poems, and the Treat is that too!
And just watch them run!

4.
Your son’s room is ***** and untidy? He never tidies his room?
Well, today you can reverse it all: throw frogs and toads and feathers
and chicken curry and rotting pumpkins about in his room and listen to him complain in reverse, when he comes back from school:
Mum! My room is so untidy!

(Trouble is, you may still have to clean up.)

5.
Call your mum and tell her you are pregnant. (Of course your mum might have read this and she might be calling you to scare you with the same Trick.)




6.
Walk over to your neighbour’s drive-way with a new $100 broom and offer to sweep their driveway.

7.
Put up a sign outside your house just for tonight:
Give this Old House the miss.
Old Witch is back.
Old Wizard is brewing Old Lizard Potion to celebrate.

8.
Or try this sign outside your house:
No Halloween here.
Just Bold Miss-fit Blunderteen (blackbelt, TKD) lives here.

9.
Trust me, witches flying on a broomstick over trees and the moon is not a myth.
Gather all your folks and neighbours on One Tall Tree Hill, climb that tree, sit on a broom, shout: I believe! - and jump off the tree. You must also have a crowd of at least 20 for this to work.

10.
For goodness sake, just this once, try being human. Just for today. We've had enough zombie days.

this poem
took aim
to be the best poem
in the world;
it had no purpose
but to win the title
and so only got worse
and became verse
and descended into prose
which in turn became toast
and today it languishes
in the pages of cyberspace
lost, floating like a ghost
wandering like a goat
neither here nor there
neither this nor that;
and pundits
who took a while
their noses off their obsessions
put on their expertise
and have now declared this poem
with very grim looks
the worst:
a sort of outcast to live outside of Parnassus,
an untouchable
to serve King Midas

this
poem
started off
intending to be the shortest poem in the world
nay,
more aptly
in the whole wide, wide open uni-verse
but ambition overtook it
and it aimed to stretch far and wide
an Aristotelian hubris, you know
like the ambition of Macbeth
going beyond what Mrs Macbeth intended
and so this ambitious little poem of ours expanded
starting meek as grass
growing zealous
and went beyond itself and its kind
this
poem
that
had such humble beginnings
that dared to want to be the shortest poem in the world
but turned out loquacious
and it could go on, it said,
beating all length, breadth and dimension
and would have -
but it got into convulsions and fits
and shock
when it had gone beyond its shortness
and it couldn’t even spell
couldn't even get words right
floating in a soup of red lines in Word or in Mac’s Pages
and so it took its own life
or someone stabbed it like they did to o’erweening Macbeth
or to our poor, poor misunderstood Rasputin who being a Saint was thought a Devil
but was all humble
as the shortest poem in the uni-verse

a subversive poem is nutritious
a bowl of magic soup
to throw in the face
of complacency
and indolence;
but watch out
and its magic can go any way
like if writing a subversive poem
one is
in due course of time
made to eat one’s own words;
still
potion for oneself
or medicine for others
it's as necessary as the doctor

I think you’ll see
life’s getting scary
there’s someone out there
who knows everything about me

See, everywhere in my emails
there’s some tortoise-shell reading
of my inner desires, needs and personality


Today for example
I’ve got several magic readings
several secret readings
Let's start with the first:
Meet **** women in your neighbourhood -
Oh my God, how did they know
I was thinking of my neighbour’s wife?
Make $4000 per week - work at home!
Oh my Dear Stars! How did they know?
Though with this of course I can combine
my need to meet all the **** women in my neighbourhood
while I’m making $4000 online
O it’s all so easy, see -
but scary


And it gets scarier with these mystics reading
my needs and wants
Grow an extra inch!
Oh! Oh! How do they know? How do they know?
Erectile problems? We’ve got the pills!
OK , listen guys - my wife has been talking
hasn’t she?
Best Buy ****** Generic Online - ****** 100mgX60 Pills $125
OK...my wife has certainly been talking! That precision exposes her!
And comes more:
Stop Snoring Tonight - Guaranteed!
Party on all night with our wonder pills...
Dental plans - Oh God! Defend me from these mind-readers!
They even know I’m losing my teeth and need dentures!
Is nothing sacred any more?

And there’s another one
and now it gets even scarier
cos they tell me things I didn’t know about myself:
Put on this bra and see your man rise to the occasion!
But Oh ye Aliens who observe all things human -
I always thought I was the man!
But maybe I never knew I am a woman actually?
for they keep coming:
Bras of all styles, types and sizes just for your body!
Dear God! Heavens!
Why have you done this to me?
Why do you create me as man, run a male program for over 5 decades
and then bring in these soothsayers
to break the harsh truth in a gentle way:
I am a woman - and needing more bras!
And one more:
Ladies, look 20 years younger with LifeCell!
I’m finished! I’m zilch!
I'm a woman and I'm getting old!
The magic weavers have found me out
the truth even I had not known...
Do you suffer from depression?
Yes! Yes! Oh - not before, but now yes! Yes!
The Scientific Breakthrough is here!
Oh, the devils know me! The devils are out to get me!


and so gentle reader
be you aware
the demons are out there
and lest you laugh at me
they may already have started work on you
they know every thought and wish and desire in your heart;
and if you don’t believe me - just check your emails - if you dare...
for I think you’ll agree
life’s getting scary
there’s someone out there
who knows innermost secrets
everything about you and me

I think you’ll see
life’s getting scary
there’s someone out there
who knows everything about me

See, everywhere in my emails
there’s some tortoise-shell reading
of my inner desires, needs and personality


Today for example
I’ve got several magic readings
several secret readings
Let's start with the first:
Meet **** women in your neighbourhood -
Oh my God, how did they know
I was thinking of my neighbour’s wife?
Make $4000 per week - work at home!
Oh my Dear Stars! How did they know?
Though with this of course I can combine
my need to meet all the **** women in my neighbourhood
while I’m making $4000 online
O it’s all so easy, see -
but scary


And it gets scarier with these mystics reading
my needs and wants
Grow an extra inch!
Oh! Oh! How do they know? How do they know?
Erectile problems? We’ve got the pills!
OK , listen guys - my wife has been talking
hasn’t she?
Best Buy ****** Generic Online - ****** 100mgX60 Pills $125
OK...my wife has certainly been talking! That precision exposes her!
And comes more:
Stop Snoring Tonight - Guaranteed!
Party on all night with our wonder pills...
Dental plans - Oh God! Defend me from these mind-readers!
They even know I’m losing my teeth and need dentures!
Is nothing sacred any more?

And there’s another one
and now it gets even scarier
cos they tell me things I didn’t know about myself:
Put on this bra and see your man rise to the occasion!
But Oh ye Aliens who observe all things human -
I always thought I was the man!
But maybe I never knew I am a woman actually?
for they keep coming:
Bras of all styles, types and sizes just for your body!
Dear God! Heavens!
Why have you done this to me?
Why do you create me as man, run a male program for over 5 decades
and then bring in these soothsayers
to break the harsh truth in a gentle way:
I am a woman - and needing more bras!
And one more:
Ladies, look 20 years younger with LifeCell!
I’m finished! I’m zilch!
I'm a woman and I'm getting old!
The magic weavers have found me out
the truth even I had not known...
Do you suffer from depression?
Yes! Yes! Oh - not before, but now yes! Yes!
The Scientific Breakthrough is here!
Oh, the devils know me! The devils are out to get me!


and so gentle reader
be you aware
the demons are out there
and lest you laugh at me
they may already have started work on you
they know every thought and wish and desire in your heart;
and if you don’t believe me - just check your emails - if you dare...
for I think you’ll agree
life’s getting scary
there’s someone out there
who knows innermost secrets
everything about you and me

dearest, O my new, new love -
will you grant me but 2 deviations?
for I will love truly and give everything unto you;
in all ways I’ll be the man you want me to be
but in two - and grant those my only perversions, let them be:
First - allow me to drive all my life;
never take the wheel from me...
you see, my dad never allowed me to drive
and he threw me in the back seat
and never even told me where he’d bring me
and he’d dump me
in my nana’s or in the shopping center
sometime for a week or two
and when I said Could I drive?
He’d say: You? you ****!
You’re only 22!

So now when we settle down and build our own nest
you must really let me drive
like hell
really let me be the driver
and let me drive
never you take the wheel
you can sit like a Queen in the passenger seat
and I’ll drive you wherever you want to
but Oh - promise, promise, never take the wheel from me...

And the 2nd deviation, before I forget...
I do have the habit
of digging my nose
whenever I’m happy
and so when I’m at the wheel
you can bet your last dollar
I’ll be digging my nose
(the 2 go together)
so you must promise
to let me be
and let me dig my nose as I drive
for nothing makes me happier
so never, never
O please
never ever rap on my knuckles
when I dig my nose
like my mum did with her steel ruler
whenever I put my fingers in my nose

O if you can promise me these 2
that you’ll allow these 2 perversions
to be the normal rule in our love -
Oh, then I’ll be the happiest man ever...
Now excuse me, while I dig my nose...

The evolutionist asks of Narudin
which is the wiser:
Donkey or man?

The donkey, naturally, says Nasrudin.

How is that? asks the evolutionist
surprised at Nasrudin’s quick reply


And Nasrudin says:
The donkey never asks for more burden than it can carry;
but man - ah, they ask for more
and take on more than they should

coming new to love
still I want to think about things you know
and so I look deep into my heart
and we must be candid and frank, you know;
and of course we’ll have all those things
like love, family, values and kids
but look - a man needs what he needs and so
that’s essential too, you know:
so maybe 3 times a day in the first years
and then depending on work and how often the kids are around
you know;
but really we have to manage at least once each day
and so like that in our twenties and thirties maybe
and then the kids go away in our forties
and so maybe we’ll revert to 3 or 2 each day again
for a while
depending on my ability and yours too
and then maybe only twice each day past in our sixties
till our last days certainly
and maybe just once when I say my final goodbye:
that’s my proposition
my beer-drinking plan for a whole life together...
would you find that acceptable, sweet love of my life?

The evolutionist asks of Narudin
which is the wiser:
Donkey or man?

The donkey, naturally, says Nasrudin.

How is that? asks the evolutionist
surprised at Nasrudin’s quick reply


And Nasrudin says:
*The donkey never asks for more burden
than it can carry;
but man - ah, they ask for more
and take on more than they should

The evolutionist asks of Narudin
which is the wiser:
Donkey or man?

The donkey, naturally, says Nasrudin.

How is that? asks the evolutionist
surprised at Nasrudin’s quick reply


And Nasrudin says:
*The donkey never asks for more burden
than it can carry;
but man - ah, they ask for more
and take on more than they should

The evolutionist asks of Narudin
which is the wiser:
Donkey or man?

The donkey, naturally, says Nasrudin.

How is that? asks the evolutionist
surprised at Nasrudin’s quick reply


And Nasrudin says:
*The donkey never asks for more burden
than it can carry;
but man - ah, they ask for more
and take on more than they should

1
Nasrudin rushes into
the House of Prayer and
mumbles a quick prayer
and gets up just as quick
to rush off

Wait! commands the Chief Priest
in the House of Prayer
Say your prayers again -
slowly and with dignity!

And so Nasrudin follows instructions
and says his prayers slowly and with dignity
and then he asks the Chief Priest if he can go


2
Yes, says the Chief Priest
And don’t you think
the Mighty Lord is pleased
with your prayer slow and dignified
rather than the hurried
and quick one you offered first?

Not really, says Nasrudin

And why is that? asks the Chief Priest

Why? asks Nasrudin
*Because my first prayer was for God;
the second was just to please you

1
Nasrudin rushes into
the House of Prayer and
mumbles a quick prayer
and gets up just as quick
to rush off

Wait! commands the Chief Priest
in the House of Prayer
Say your prayers again -
slowly and with dignity!

And so Nasrudin follows instructions
and says his prayers slowly and with dignity
and then he asks the Chief Priest if he can go


2
Yes, says the Chief Priest
And don’t you think
the Mighty Lord is pleased
with your prayer slow and dignified
rather than the hurried
and quick one you offered first?

Not really, says Nasrudin

And why is that? asks the Chief Priest

Why? asks Nasrudin
*Because my first prayer was for God;
the second was just to please you

1
the Emir has it in his head he is a poet
and the Emir invites Nasrudin
to an assembly
and the Emir recites his poem
with much ado,
with much loudness and gestures

everyone applauds the Emir
for his poem
but Nasrudin is quiet
and the Emir turns to Nasrudin and says:
“So, Nasrudin – what do you think
of my poem?”

“Sir,” says Nasrudin
“What you recited is not a poem
and neither does it make you a poet”

“Guards!”
screams the Emir
“Take this man Nasrudin
and put him in jail!
Three months let him be there!”

2
Three months pass
and Nasrudin is released
and is invited again by the Emir
to another of the Emir’s recitations
and again the Emir recites his poem
with much ado,
with much loudness and gestures

and again everyone applauds the Emir
for his poem
but Nasrudin says nothing and stands up
and walks towards the guards
and the Emir shouts at Nasrudin:
“Nasrudin – where do you think
you are going?”

And says Nasrudin:
“Sir – I’m saving you the trouble;
I’ll send myself to jail…”

See
Nasrudin is in the streets
he rides his donkey;
and see,
the people are in the streets
and the men and women point to Nasrudin
and they laugh;
and the children run behind Nasrudin's donkey
and they roll in the sand
and they laugh at Donkey;
and the youth
throw some old cups
at Nasrudin's donkey and they laugh

and see
Nasrudin sees all this
and he says to them:
*Yes, you may see the humor;
but I don't think you see the irony

It is night
Nasrudin walks
in the moonlight
He hears horses
Thieves! Murderers!
thinks Nasrudin
and jumps over the wall
and hides in an open, unused grave


The horsemen stop;
they have seen
a man jump into the grave
and they are concerned:
Are you all right, Sir?
Why are you in the grave?

And Nasrudin answers as quickly:
*Why am I in the grave?
That depends on your worldview.
I am here because of you
and you are here because of me!

see
Nasrudin walks
along in the streets
and sees a mirror
lying on the kerb

Oh! what a waste, says Nasrudin
a good mirror thrown away
like this…

Nasrudin picks up the mirror
and looks in it
and then throws it away:
*No wonder
they threw this mirror  away!
What a face!
Who’d want to look
at a face like that!

Nasrudin looks in the magic mirror
that allows him to peep into the future
and he sees many marvelous poems in cyberspace.

So Nasrudin calls his Donkey and he says to Donkey:
See, Donkey – there are so many marvelous poems in cyberspace.
They are beautiful poems.

But Nasrudin’s Donkey says:
Hee-haw! - what’s the use? As far as I’m concerned
the only good poem  is the one printed on paper.

And why is that? asks Nasrudin.

Because, at least when I’m desperately hungry, I can eat paper –
but I can’t eat cyberspace can I? replies Donkey.

1
Bang! Bang!
****-gang! ****-****,
Ting-a-****!

O, all day
Nasrudin
is making all this din
in his home
beating drums and his pots and pans


Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
Hee-haw – haw!haw!haw!
Hee-haw!

And his Donkey too
all day
master and Donkey
making all this noise

2
O Nasrudin, why
do you make this din and noise -
you and your Donkey
all day long?


3
O, says Nasrudin,
Donkey and I are
trying to frighten away
all tigers and wild animals
to keep away from our town

But Nasrudin – there’s isn’t a single tiger
or a wild animal
a thousand miles
round our town!

See! says Nasrudin
Our method works!

Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
Donkey agrees

O Nasrudin
asks a man
tell of us ritual
and proper procedures:
Which side should I stand on
when I carry a coffin:
on the right, the left,
in front or at the back?
O Nasrudin,
which is proper?


O, dear friend,
says Nasrudin
it doesn’t matter;
just make sure you’re not
inside the coffin!

1
Psst! Nasrudin! Pssst!
says the neighbor
at the doorway;
Nasrudin looks down from his roof
where he's fixing some tiles
and sees his neighbor in the street

Yes? Nasrudin asks

Come down, Nasrudin;
I have something to say
that cannot be said aloud;
you must stand at the same level
to hear what I have to say

2
And so Nasrudin comes down
the ladder
and asks his neighbor what the matter is;
and the neighbor whispers:
Nasrudin - lend me a 1000 dollars;
I need it straight away...

Come up, says Nasrudin
with no hesitation,
and he climbs
back up to the roof
and the neighbor follows

3
Now here is something,
whispers Nasrudin
(once they are both seated on the roof)
*that I could not say below in the street
but that can be said
when we are at the same height:
No; now you can go

1
it’s graduation day
and the teacher gives awards
to each :
a book to one
a staff to another
silk or precious stones;
and to Nasrudin
the teacher
gives a donkey

2
It is some years
and the teacher
hears of Nasrudin’s fame
and comes to visit
the House of Prayer Nasrudin oversees
and to pay homage to the Saint
buried just beside

3
O Nasrudin,
says the teacher -
how great your fame
and vast your following
Tell me, which Eminent Saint  
is buried in the mound
beside the House of Prayer
you oversee?

O Master,
says Nasrudin
It’s the donkey
you gave me
It died just 4 years after
and I buried him here
And everyone wants a Saint
so I have not disabused people
of their faith

4
The teacher nods with a smile
and Nasrudin continues:
But tell me Master –
which Eminent Saint is buried in the mound
beside the House of Prayer
you oversee?

Ah, Nasrudin, says the teacher
*though people believe it’s a Saint
it’s really your dead donkey’s mother

when Nasrudin was little
his teacher interrupted his lesson
and shouted at Nasrudin:
Hey, you - boy
in the front row!
Are you nodding off
into sleep?

No, Sir, said Nasrudin
*I'm trying very hard
to stay awake!

the gathering declares
with great sagacity
how one’s strength decreases
with age:
One is stronger when young;
Weaker when one is old

I disagree, says Nasrudin
I’m just as strong old
as when I was young

How so? asks the gathering
Explain yourself!

*Well, I cannot lift
the rock in my garden -
just the same as when I was young!

Nasrudin rides his donkey
and is stopped in the streets
by a neighbor

O Nasrduin, says the neighbor
I have been wondering long
and you might offer an answer…
tell me: What is the meaning of life?

And Nasrudin’s donkey brays
aloud and brave:
Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

And Nasrudin says to the neighbor:
*I believe my donkey has answered your question;
and now, if you will excuse me,
it’s time for me and my donkey to move on…

Nasrudin comes to a new town
and he goes to a store
and he asks the owner:
How’s business, Sir?

Business is good, replies the store-owner

Oh, then, can I borrow ten dollars?
asks Nasrudin

I hardly know you, says the store-owner
I can’t lend you any money

Oh, how strange, says Nasrudin
*In my town they won’t lend me any money
because they say, they know me too well -
and here you won’t lend me any money
because you don’t know me!
It’s a strange world we live in.

See, Nasrudin is standing
on the other side of the river
let’s ask him,
let’s ask
how we can get across

Hey, Nasrudin!
Tell us how we can get
to the other side of the river

But* – replies Nasrudin –
*you are already on the other side of the river!

See, Nasrudin sits eating
dates…
Oh, but do you see?
Nasrudin eats the seeds too…

O Nasrudin, Nasrudin
why do you eat the seeds as
you eat the dates?

O, says Nasrudin,
*because the merchant who sold me the dates
also charged me for the seeds

1
See, Nasrudin leads his followers
through the streets and alleys
through the markets and the houses of prayers;
and see, Nasrudin shakes his head and ***
and all his followers shake their heads and bums;
see, Nasrudin sticks out his tongue and rolls his eyes
and all his followers stick out theirs and roll their eyes
and Nasrudin shouts:
Hee hee ** ** ha!
And all followers shout:  
Hee hee ** ** ha!


2
And the Visiting Intellectual asks Nasrudin:
What are you doing
leading these people like donkeys
through the streets?

And Nasrudin replies:
I am leading them, Sir
to Heaven or Enlightenment as they will

And how, queries the Intellectual
will you know
they have reached Enlightenment or Heaven
as they will?

Each day, Sir, says Nasrudin,
*I look to see who is no longer following
and such ones have reached Enlightenment
or have gained Heaven, as each desires…
and now Sir, if you don’t mind,
I must go lead a few more hundred
running round the coconut trees
screaming:  
Hee hee ** ** ha!

Nasrudin’s friend visits him
and asks to borrow
his donkey for a day

Oh no, dear friend, says Nasrudin
moving close to his window
My brother borrowed my only donkey
just yesterday…

And just then Nasrudin’s donkey
brays aloud from the garden:
Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

But - says Nasrudin’s friend,
with a twinkle in his eye -
I can hear your donkey in the garden!
I can hear your donkey!

Ah, says Nasrudin, cool and at ease:
*Who’d you rather believe?
Me? Or a donkey?

1
Come, come all
O all neighbors and children
O come and gather in the streets
or be at your window
or at your door
O see Nasrudin on his donkey

2
O…see Nasrudin!
O…see his donkey!
O – Nasrudin is seated on his donkey!
O – see Nasrudin and his donkey:
donkey faces one way
and Nasrudin is seated
facing the opposite way!

3
O Nasrudin, why does donkey
face one way
and you are
seated facing the opposite way?

4
O, donkey and I cannot agree
which way we want to go -
and so neither follows the other!

what do you do with this?
you come to a poem
and this poem is not about love
about sweet things
and comfy nights
and this is not about cliches
and our religion
this is not an opportunity to preach
and to speak about how great one's own culture is
this is not about any ready-made ideas
and yummy stuff or funny
you can't laugh, you can't cry
or shout in jubilation or indignation
what do you do with this?
this is not about
a sweet moment
a nice description of nature in its glory
oh, what do you do with this?
this doesn't feed your pet notions
you come to this poem
and it's been about nothing
you can cling on to:
what do you do with this?

I want to have
lunch
of all meats and veggies –
can someone cook
and put them all
on the table for me?

I want to eat fine
at a table of ebony
with silverware
in King Louis XIV style –
can somebody procure them for me?

I want to dine
in a Hall of Fame
Queen Cleo style
with singers and slaves
and manacled leopards
at my feet –
Hey, who’s there!
get them all ready for me

I want them all in a
Grand Palace like Versailles
not in some petty lowbrow
Château de Malmaison -
so can someone get it ready
by today eve, precisely 5?

I want to eat in peace
with no noise
and braying donkeys
so - Hey! can someone
shoot that rabble outside
unkempt, untidy
and always wanting free meals off me!

Sohni’s heart pines
for Mahinwal
for she loves
him beyond all things earthly
By day she paints flowers
on the pots her father makes
O Sohni’s heart is always filled with love
And by night
she swims across
with a *** to help her float
and she goes each night thus
to meet her forbidden love

O Mahinwal’s heart
that herder of cattle
his heart too is filled with love
and he has given up his name
and his land
for he is no longer Izzat Baig of Buhkara
but he is simple Mahinwal –
Sohni’s Mahinwal
O so full of love is he
day and night
for the beautiful Sohni

and how will this end?
O river that nurtures us – tell us…
O how will this forbidden love end? –
O fish and cattle and deer
and creatures of the river bank –
tell us, how this love will end…

you’re not going are you
today to the edge of your seat
to the corners of insanity?
to the corners at the cinema
nearest the exit
to run off when the demons come
to sleep in the day
below your bed
so the rabbits cannot find you;
and then go for a walk
in the cold of the night
mumbling like Lady Macbeth
maybe now running a fast-food restaurant
and asking each tree in your garden :
Would you like some
manure with that?
you’re not going to Extremity Town
today, are you?
to tell the Mayor
he’s taken extreme measures
opening an animal sanctuary;
would he please
open an abattoir instead
where the animals skin humans?
Oh you’re not going
are you
to the bus-stop with a stopwatch
to time how long it takes for the passengers
to **** the driver?
Oh you’re not going are you
in the day or this evening or anytime tonight? -
to see if Jimmy the car mechanic
has diversified on your insistence
and if he now sells
in his garage
lingerie and toothpaste for that special night
and salads and beer and peanuts and spices
for first dates only

O you are going to have a good quiet sleep aren’t you
like owls in hollows
and you won’t offer any surprises to the world?
*not today?

introduction

teeth must be brushed
with neem or miswak
or rubbing chalk or baking soda
or horse-tail hairs fixed to ox-bone
or with your modern toothbrush
with which if you brush too vigorously
you might swallow
especially
if you’re also thinking about ***;
and which you might regurgitate
if your boss comes to memory


and so
come, all ye
with clean teeth:
we shall speak today
of the origins of the toothbrush –
how did this begin,
this long-suffering toothbrush
put into foul mouths
or delicious mouths of maidens
and drowned in water and saliva and paste?
how indeed did it begin?
what is its genesis? its origin?



1
we must start with the stone age
when the best
those Brainless Beasts could do
was to use a fist
and so they punched each other
and broke all their teeth –
and perhaps that was just as well,
and they were clever
as they didn’t have to worry any longer
about brushing their teeth


then some-ape had a brilliant idea
(thanks to evolving intelligence)
and two would stand mouth to mouth
teeth to teeth
and would rub teeth against one another
and sure, they ended up
with lips and faces all cut asunder –
but hey, this was the Stone Age;
what do you expect them to do?
Be refined and all
with soft bristles and golden handles?
at least this way it brought humanity close


But God (He was Stone Age too,
and still is in many ways)
saw all these and He screamed from above:
Hey! Stop that, you Big Apes!
The first commandment I gave you all
was:
“Thou Shalt Not Kiss!”

And so with this First Commandment
God separated humanity forever…

Grunt!Grunt! said one Stone Age Oaf
which translated means: When can humanity kiss?

And God thought about it and said:
You got to evolve!
Wait till the advent
of a man called Voltaire
of the nation of the blue, white and red –
and that nation shall perfect the kiss.
Till then you brutes,
Thou shalt keep thy teeth clean.
Try something else, you imbeciles!

And Stone Age man,
left to their inventions, tried
smashing teeth against boulders instead




2
the dear Chinese
as you know
invented paper
and they also invented a toothbrush of horse-hair
with an ox-bone handle even in 1223
and since 1498 used the bristle toothbrush;
and from China it spread to the West
which Foreign Barbarians
after brushing their teeth
badmouthed the Chinese
and still, it is believed,
continue to do so


so, consider,
(and be grateful)
with the invention of paper
and the toothbrush
the Chinese really took care
of either end of the digestive system,
you know what I mean;
and who can beat that? -
they even give you Chinese takeaway
to eat before you brush;
and it’s worth repeating -
paper to take care of things after,
you know what I mean



conclusion**

and that ends our history
of the toothbrush;
and just remember
before you put it in your mouth,
the cockroach
(that blessed and most useful
of all God’s creatures)
has already cleaned it up
of all food bits and pieces

all monkeys
of all nations!
stop your chatter
and listen to me mutter
my ancient tail

1
in earlier days
**** Kong
went to Hong Kong
to look for kang kong
and there she met
King Kong

the first second
they saw each other
their hearts went
****! ****!
the second second:
****! ****!
in short they fell in love
with each other’s Zong Zongs
and night and day it was all Sing Song
and the earth trembled
with their rumble of love
and construction workers thought
the piling was done
and straight away
***** skyscrapers appeared
and so incidentally was born
modern-day Hong Kong

2
within three months
**** Kong felt
in her womb
a Trong Trong
and an incessant noise:
Pong! Pong!*
Pong! Pong!
and on the tenth month
by the lunar calendar
out came Pink Kong -
and so consequently was born
the game of ping pong


and so ends my story of beginnings
and now that
my tail is curled
you can all go home
you ding dongs!

Says King Kong to Ann Darrow
the blonde who screams like no other:
Mmmm….we got to talk

What? says Ann Darrow

about practicalities…real things…
…things that matter…
says King Kong

Like a pre-nuptial contract you mean?

No, says King Kong…
I mean like real things…things we have…
things that make me male,
things that make you woman…

OK, we can have a shared bank account,
says Ann Darrow


King Kong can feel it in his marrow
he’s got to be clear and narrow:
Look, Ann…
I can’t be too explicit;
my upbringing at Devil’s Island
is high on modesty;
still
I think things can be too big
and some too small,
if you know what I mean

OK, says Ann Darrow
we’ll live in Colorado;
build me a small shed in the deserts
and you can have the wide open plains

Oh, Monkey God!
says King Kong
Are you a dumb blonde or what?
I mean, Ann Darrow…
Oh, never mind…

Ah, ah…says Ann Darrow
Never hide things, King Kong
You always must bring them out
into the open!

Oh, Ann Darrow;
You speak more truth than you know –
It’s I who have things in the open
and it’s you who hide them!


I love you, says Ann Marrow
with a shrug
and gives King Kong a hug

I love you too, says King Kong
wondering how he’ll ever get through

What have you come to admire?
says the cow
you guys and gals stand around
new to the farm
you say
ah, look at the horses
(memories of horse races
in the corners of your mind)
you look at the lambs
and you go soft and sweet;
"Oh, how cute," you say
(Cute my ***!
Not so cute when you put
the meat over the barbecue pit, is it?)
You aliens look at the trees in the distance
and the sky clear and endless
and you drool: "Oh, what freedom!"
and then you come near me
and you whisper to your child
"...see, see cow...
milk comes from cow..."
and you come closer
with your progeny
and I show
you imbeciles
my rear and ****
and watch out
if you come too near
I do ****
and I have two hind legs
and it's best you back off:
my **** is as pretty a picture
as any of yours;
have a look at my posterior
and **** off

when I was little
my dad and mom
they expected me
to turn out
just like them;
exactly
like dad and mom
and indeed I turned out to be
as my dad and mom

Oh when I went to school
I expected classmates
to be appropriately like me
but they turned out
unexpectedly, unreasonably
like what they’d be
Oh I was shocked
and asked my parents why
the world was so deviant
and, in their received wisdom, they said:
“It’s an imperfect world
out there
What can you expect
from impure persons?”

When I went to work
and met many strangers
I knew straightaway
why they were called strangers
For their ways were indeed strange
and instead of being like me
they each turned out
like they’d be…

Then I got married
and my wife
turned out like what
I’d expected her to be
exactly like me
and we brought up our children
to be like me
But when they grew up
I was shocked to find
they were like strangers
and I asked my wife
if indeed they were my children

And so I thought I’d go on a tour
and I went to England and America
and I went to Russia and China and India
and Down Under
and I crossed from East to West and North to South
and I went to Mexico and in disguise to many nations
and everywhere I was shocked to find
none were like me
And I was reminded of my dad’s words, my mom’s words:
“It’s an imperfect world
out there
What can you expect
from impure persons?”

And so I came home
and found my wife too had changed
and she was no longer like me
and I sat down in my lounge
older, wiser, sadder, well-traveled
and now all-knowing what I always knew :
“It’s an imperfect world
everywhere
What can you expect
from impure persons?”

I bring plenty and abundance;
I bring beauty and well-being
I bring that which is wholesome
and I bring that which is good for all of mankind
and I bring goodwill to all nations
and all peoples of the world

may all countries be at peace;
may all the people of the world be as one;
may all nations have plenty and be safe
may they have the wisdom to see what is sufficient
and what is needful and refrain from excess;
may each one wake up each day to a world of love;
may all of humanity set aside all dogma and past
and may they learn to see the new, the future
and be past all creed, beliefs and divisions;
and may they see with clarity
that they are as but children of one family

let there be peace
let there be plenty
let there be harmony
let there be love -
all days and all years
in this our world
that changes and moves all hours and ages

give my children
O most noble Sirs
a means to a life;
give them hope, Sirs
and let them smile

give my children
O most esteemed Sirs
a way to dignity and respect;
give the young and innocent
the will, a skill, and strength

with your wealth, Sirs
set up schools
that the poor may attend;
with your power
provide free books and an education

give my children
O most noble Sirs
a means to a life;
give them hope, Sirs
and let them smile

let there be libraries
Sirs, as
as I hear are in foreign shores;
let there be many in each city
where children and men and women
can read and borrow free

let there be
Children Welfare Groups, Sirs
that may feed and clothe and protect the weak;
and you that are so esteemed and revered
and always speaking of the next world -
teach the parents to understand this world
so that the body may have its dignity

let there be hope, Sirs
and give my children
a dream and ambition;
let my children
learn to love and feel;
let them know they are equal to any
and they too are of this nation

give my children
O most noble Sirs
a means to a life;
give them hope, Sirs
and let them smile

I walked past and I heard
you play the sitar, Kadambari;
and I waited at the side in the streets
as I heard the soothing tunes and the notes
and the playfulness and the pleas and eloquence
and the pain and the joys and the ecstasy
O I heard the coming to of each note and raga
and I heard each improvisation
and I stood at the gate, hidden behind the green vines
not allowed in, always the outsider
always left outside, marked by clear boundaries;
but I heard each turn and each leap and fall
and I saw you in all your beauty, Kadambari
I saw you in my mind as I stood outside  
and I heard each note
as you offered each note to Kama, the Love God
Kama with his bow and arrow of flowers;
and the jasmine plants around me bloomed
and the trees in the street and the vines over the wall
they all bloomed, as you played, O Kadambari -
and so did my being, so did my being open like the sunflower
so it did, as you, O Kadambari,
as you had your fingers on your sitar
as you made music

You want me to talk, Sir?
I’d relax and you can paint better, Sir?
Maybe, Sir…maybe, but what shall I say, Sir?
For I am not used to talking
to important people like you, Sir…
Why do you laugh, Sir?
It is true, I’m just a girl from the village, Sir
attending to Laxmi and Ganga –
those are our family cows, Sir;
and I milk them; and my father
and I bring the milk to the market
and to neighbors who can afford to pay for them…
We don’t carry them in these fancy pots Sir,
you make me pose with
but just earthen jars, Sir…
But this morning, Sir, my father said to me:
Come, Mina – you shall pose for a famous artist;
India has never seen such an artist
and he shall pay well
and perhaps with that I shall buy a third cow;
three neighbors owe us money
and will never return them in this life;
and the old woman in the sixth house has died
owing us money for these last four years…
You just have to stand there
before the artist in your cleanest sari
and use borrowed milk pots…
And that is what my father said, Sir…
I normally don’t dress in such clean clothes, Sir;
the saris I have are saris my mum used
but she died when I was little, Sir…
Sir? You want me to keep talking…but I am boring, Sir
and I talk simple words and I am sure you’ve heard…
Oh Sir, I’m more used to talking to cows
than important men, Sir…
All right Sir, I will tell you…I will tell you…
I do have dreams, Sir
and it is just the dream of all the
girls in my village:
I’d like new saris and jewels
and I’d like to be married
before the year ends;
Arun from the next village
always looks at me
in our town fairs
and Oh, would that he’d marry me
and we’d have a home and a farm and cows
and we’d have children
and we’d live our quiet lives
in our secluded village…
Sir, that is my dream…I have nothing more to say, Sir…
I hope you are done…
Or maybe you should talk, Sir…

they came to me with Big Books
they came with appeals and threats
but I said:
*Go, for
there is no philosophy,
no revelation
no dependence, no authority;
there are no terms
and one is free of all propositions;
there is none higher, none lower
and therefore all are same and even;
one does not slide to the past or tradition
and one does not idealize a future
and time is done and thought is observed;
there is no judgment here
no conditioning and beliefs
but one rests in what there is

I did not want the courts
and the life of the cities
and I did not want the struggle
but I did not leave -
perhaps it was me
that saw the tension
but could not come into integrity
and put the blame on duty, care
and responsibility


I did not enjoy the crowds and the clamor
and yet was in it;
perhaps it was me
seeing what was about and all round
but not seeing within me


and then I picked up my staff in my old days
and I live now in my shed in the mountains
and walk when I wish;
and the ways of nature
and its forms keep me company
and I walk where I wish
in the solitude that nature whispered
would be mine, always mine…
but then
I was hard of hearing
when I was young;
and now, you that linger
in the halls of power,
you will see,
I am gone

The Clothed Maja, sister of The **** Maja (both painted by Goya, and both enjoyed by Raj Arumugam), speaks:*
  

Hey, you boys…yeah, you…
OK, all of you good boys, if you like…
come see me in my white dress and golden shoes;
see me reclined in my luxurious couch…
Look here…I’m in this room…
Oh, you adorable, silly boys;
I’ve been hearing you the last hour
as you searched one room after another
and all you grown men giggling like little boys…
while I’ve been waiting here all the while…
And you’re Frank? And you?
Sean? What a **** name you’ve got baby…
Oh, hmmmm…you should be…O Patrick,
you think I’m cool?
I was made by Goya, how can I not be?
And come on other boys at the door, don’t be shy…
Ravi, Kesav, Eliot,  jp –
my, my, what a short name you got;
you can get it long too? ...jp…lovely name…
and Jack Chappell, and Sean Critchfield –
and why didn’t cheeky Raj come?
Oh, leave him, he’s probably just best left ogling
at ***** shunga pictures
from Hokusai…

So welcome boys all…
Yes, yes, you can come close
You can’t resist the scent can you?
O, my name? Just call me Maja -
Maja pretty and well-dressed
and I just love good company and wine
and pleasure and fun
…what?
You guys think I’m sweet, and seductive?
Oh, that’s nice of you…
**** too?
Oh, boys! Oh, you boys!
If you think I’m ****
Oh wait till you see my sister, my double –
Oh, yes she’s always reclining in a bed too
unlike that stodgy Mona Lisa
Well, my sis didn’t want to come
but really, I’ll tell you a secret -
my sis, she doesn’t wear clothes -
and she hasn’t been in clothes since 1800!
Oh, you guys got to go?
Reluctant, but you must go?
Yeah, you can always see me – just google Goya
and I’ll always be there
and my sister?
Oh, you naughty boys, that’s who really want to see,
don’t you?
and that’s the reason for your sudden hurry?
Well, she’s always placed beside me –
I’m always The Clothed Maja and she the Naked one…
See you soon, guys –
see you at Goya...
Hey, come back here boys –
the least you can do is to kiss me goodbye…

Let us pull, pull the boat,
young man…
away from the waters
safe on to land
just the while perhaps till the morning
and pull, young one…take a deep breath and pull…
generations have worked and gone past exertion
and into a discovery of inner strength
and a sudden illumination perhaps
of the resilience within…
feel and pull - see, there’s the boat and you
and the forces and the ground
and there’s much within you…
there’s the mark of the effort
in your mind as footprints in the sand
pull, young one…safe to land – a little more
and a little more…
and we are come to completion, and you will see
within yourself
where the struggle, where the living
and all these days of our lives between earth
and the oceans begin and end…

for maximum efficacy of charm, utter this in the dead of night lying down on a sheet of camel skin soaked in goat’s blood, on top of One Tree Hill*



may those who
cannot praise
and can only bark dispraise
of my writings, songs and posts
may they all
become loose of mind;
and may such
in the middle of a crowd of fanatics
suddenly lose their pants or tops;
and inexplicably become illiterate
when they are to sit for exams;
and may they who cannot
say: “You are the best! You are the best!” -
may these henceforth never be capable
of saying anything at all!


O, as swineherds
in days of yore
became Court Poets
by Divine Grace –
may all those who don’t
appreciate my writings and posts
may they all suffer in reverse
and become swine
and go drown in ditches
by Divine Craze!