**** me slowly
take my breath
make me unholy
cause my death
delve into my lungs
let me choke
between my finger and thumb
i inhale the smoke
make my thoughts
a dullened cloud
make my parents
be unproud
fill my brain
and make me sick
but let it rain
and make it quick

sometimes
things can happen
and the things that happen
make you smile
but often
these things that happen
are things that make you
regret them
after a while

please dont ask me
to be yours
please dont call me
beautiful
please dont look at me
in that way
please dont say
you brighten my day
i like you lots,
really, i do
but i dont know what
i want from you

suicide*  is life in the peak of it's ecstasies
dying is an adventure only the brave can take
yet we all take it
so how is it
the weak*
create their own demise?
and die

I found myself once again
In amidst the autumn leaves
The crunching and the early starts
The scars on muddy knees

The daylight lasted longer
In the sleeping summer sun
But September bought me hunger;
Fatigue , hunger and fun.

New starts are just perceptions
Of things you had before
Looked at in a new way
Something less ( or more)

she is not a cliche
she hates all things american
she despises unity
and she likes to take self pity

beautiful
but set in stone
perfect
yet all alone

a shining star
but small and thin
cuts and scars
cover her skin

the magic thoughts
she once did think
now   *a filthy corpse
to the ground *she'll sink

whispers
in the dark

candles
in the black

stars*
in the night

why are we blessed with such beauty,
in the hours where we are supposed to sleep?

once there was a girl
who thought an awful lot
once there was a way
to be the things you're not
twice there was a time
the night stood still
the clock , it didnt chime
and all the while, she chilled

he has
blue eyes
and fluffy hair
and stands stiff
in the town square

he gives money to buskers
and smiles at people who pass
he buys me coffee
and looks into my eyes to see my past
he knows what i am
and he knows what ive done
but he said that i
am his only one

the fatal flaw
in amidst our souls
is not how we differ,
but how we are *the same

you were sheltered in your ways
and looked at me intently
you were kind and you were cute
and treated me so gently
you held me in your arms
and showed obvious respect
you kept me safe from harm
and lightly kissed my neck
i was yours for a short while
in return, you mine
to you i was not a child
and you gave me all your time
thankyou for making me smile again
you really cheered me up
this time i'll try to smile, and when
you want, i'll pucker up

pondering against
the complexity
of depression
and boredom
and wisdom
is something
i like to spend my wasted time
doing

little marks little marks little marks
memoirs of before
broken hearts broken hearts broken hearts
feelings ; shred and tore

she is dainty
and she is slick
and she is small
and she is quick

her face
and it's articulate structure
display subtly
the most delicate beauty
you will ever see

once there was a time
when you looked at me from far
our eyes would meet from across the room , and we both felt it.
i admired everything you showed me, said to me , told me;you inspired me.
you inspire me.
i would often want to touch you , not for lust , but to feel the heat from your body , the soft of your skin , just something to remind me that you are still human , like me,and her,and him.
i would wrap myself in the idea of you ,  become the things you liked, talk to you about things nobody else did. i wasn't falling in love with you , but it was similar.
you told me that you really cared about me , that you thought i was different, cool - the only person you made an effort with . it made me happy.
you made me happy.
it felt like the spirits in our bodies had  mixed, you were half of me and i was half of you. however this feeling was not romantic . i didnt want you to notice me , although i knew you did . i didnt want you to look at me and tell me that you think i'm beautiful, i knew you didnt . i didnt want to be your girlfriend , or hold your hand and flirt with you . this feeling was neither love, nor lust , and it didnt even feel like friendship . the only way i could try to describe it is merely a connection.

but it's gone now,
along with our stability.

here i am again
hopelessly alone
sitting nervously
waiting by the phone
nobody will ring
and nobody will know
because i haven't said a thing
about that place i often go
it's very, very dark there
and there isn't any light
usually i get there
3.23 at night
for this is the time
when the monsters come back out
for this is the place
where the numbing is of now
i'm stuck here in this pit
and there is no escape
oh, how i wish
i will never wake

i kissed you in the sunlight
you held me in the rain
i talked to you at midnight
you said i was to blame
i hurt you in september
you cried and were in pain
i think you're getting better
you  should forget my name

the things you said
at 1am
were the things i kept
at the times when
i desired to die
and i conspired to cry
and i wanted to be thin
and i cut my skin

the times you looked
into my eyes
were the times i kept
when i saw the lies

the times you whispered
and made me smile
were what i remembered
when i needed to hide*
                        
                                          then came the times
                                          where you were unkind
                                          and i did not keep those
                                         for they kept mine

ive decided you are common
and rather up yourself
so dont feel the need to talk to me
i'll see you down in hell

and the saddest thing
must be
the moon
and it's rage
for it sees all problems
it knows  of all plight
but it is stuck
inside the night

i was kidding myself
all along

i told myself
maybe this could develop
and be something
that could actually happen
rather than
things that happen
inside my chaotic mind

and then he spoke
those words, so strong
and he was right
and i was wrong

yet again
the night came
and she sat there
hopeless
and
thoughful
what would her future be?
she laughed,
for wishing her life away
was her *only virtue

.

yet how am i going to survive if my only true desire is to be completely alone and away from the world?