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Rachel Mary Oct 2016
i write from the 1st of october. i write from cold air and turning seasons. from hazy days and lazy days and 'maybe things will be okay's. i write from stale bread and cold tea cause id made it at half past three, and the wind is blowing.
and i want to wear my dads big old fairisle jumper because somehow, it always smells of him. and the wind is blowing.
i write from the 1st of october. i write from endless evenings and too many cigarettes and a craving for my mothers supermarket box wine. i write from tired eyes and floaty songs and i write because im feeling fine. and time is passing before my eyes and it makes me feel uneasy because these are the years i want to remember. the 1st of octobers and 6th of februraries and 27th of mays. and all the other days.
i write from the 1st of october. i write from awful poetry and laddered tights and dreams about boys that got lost in the city. in more ways than one.
i write from the 1st of october, and the wind is blowing.
Aug 2016 · 506
poems n water
Rachel Mary Aug 2016
once more unto the breach dear friends
of sharing all my words
i dont percieve it as means to an end
just a way for me to learn

i'll make waterfalls with  syllables
and streams with every line
and once you reach the end,
you'll be in an ocean thats all mine

you'll lap across my sandy shores
and wash up on my bay,
and when you think you're ready,
i will come to you and say

hello my friend, and how are you
i heard the news, now is it true?
i hope you'll have a lovely stay
on sandy shores upon my bay
May 2014 · 489
swiftly on
Rachel Mary May 2014
impress your fellow flawed
dress your body's doors
lock them with the key
of innocence and pity
flee to the beginning
then run towards the end
make yourself a burden
be true, or false; pretend.
enforce a fake persona
imply the things you arent
dont offer any shoulders
you arent 'agony aunt'
be selfish and be brittle
remember to be blunt
dont hum or sing or whistle
*** u lol ur a ****
Feb 2014 · 310
Rachel Mary Feb 2014
once there was a time
when you looked at me from far
our eyes would meet from across the room , and we both felt it.
i admired everything you showed me, said to me , told me;you inspired me.
you inspire me.
i would often want to touch you , not for lust , but to feel the heat from your body , the soft of your skin , just something to remind me that you are still human , like me,and her,and him.
i would wrap myself in the idea of you ,  become the things you liked, talk to you about things nobody else did. i wasn't falling in love with you , but it was similar.
you told me that you really cared about me , that you thought i was different, cool - the only person you made an effort with . it made me happy.
you made me happy.
it felt like the spirits in our bodies had  mixed, you were half of me and i was half of you. however this feeling was not romantic . i didnt want you to notice me , although i knew you did . i didnt want you to look at me and tell me that you think i'm beautiful, i knew you didnt . i didnt want to be your girlfriend , or hold your hand and flirt with you . this feeling was neither love, nor lust , and it didnt even feel like friendship . the only way i could try to describe it is merely a connection.

but it's gone now,
along with our stability.
Nov 2013 · 796
intricate attributes
Rachel Mary Nov 2013

  the colour of your eyes

           the way you laugh

                    the music you like

                              the time you sleep

are very important
      to those

                        who fall in love with you
i dont know and neither do you
Nov 2013 · 563
hatin on religion
Rachel Mary Nov 2013
the trees that root in this sinful ground
are obvious and just
the churches in this run down town
are shelter for the lust;
the lust of greed , and lust of life
where a girl becomes a wife
these buildings are so holy,
yet full of nothing but evil
and still the trees are victims
to this bitter and great society
the lunatics call religion
Nov 2013 · 818
Rachel Mary Nov 2013
i crave his body and his thoughts ,
the way he looks at me
i crave his kisses and his touch,
things that i value oh so much

and there are many miles between us
and many miles are so,
but there are trains and there's a bus
that take away my woe

to not see him is to be lone
upon this spinning ball
but he is what i want and need
when with him, i'm home
Oct 2013 · 268
Rachel Mary Oct 2013
i kissed you in the sunlight
you held me in the rain
i talked to you at midnight
you said i was to blame
i hurt you in september
you cried and were in pain
i think you're getting better
you  should forget my name
Oct 2013 · 493
i pondered upon my past
Rachel Mary Oct 2013
i looked through my old poetry
and words began to sink
into my mind , the wall id built;
had obstructed what i think
it took me back to the place i was
some 3 or 4 months back
and now i wonder to myself
my way with words is black
Oct 2013 · 662
i am the reverb
Rachel Mary Oct 2013
i am the reverb
i am the plague
im the bad word ;
the misbehave
i am lust
and I am mud
and I am greed
and I am thud
i am the pain
and the knife
im not the mother;
im not the wife
i am the greed of the hungry
the need of distrust
god, you indulge me
resisting the lust
you are tall
And you are kind
but to me yet , you're not inclined
but I persevere , i carry on
like the verse into a song
what I want ,is your attention
what you give is not enough
i want you now., i want you gentle
i want you now, i want your lust
Oct 2013 · 349
Rachel Mary Oct 2013
I found myself once again
In amidst the autumn leaves
The crunching and the early starts
The scars on muddy knees

The daylight lasted longer
In the sleeping summer sun
But September bought me hunger;
Fatigue , hunger and fun.

New starts are just perceptions
Of things you had before
Looked at in a new way
Something less ( or more)
Aug 2013 · 832
holden ca(tcher)ulfield
Rachel Mary Aug 2013
oh holden,
you  despise the  phony things
oh holden,
your demise is challenging
oh holden,
you appear selfish, but you know you're not
oh holden,
you prevent others from the rot
oh holden,
the bitter rot you know too well
oh holden,
the rot you always felt
oh holden,
how i hope you're fine
oh holden,
the catcher in the rye
Aug 2013 · 717
willow in the wind
Rachel Mary Aug 2013
oh how the strings of the willow leaves
dangle , delicately from the strong and majestic branches
oh,how the beauty of willow trees
is soaked up in the array of quick glances
the glances, made by a stranger
when perhaps keeping children from danger
or perhaps in a dream, when sleeping
why is the willow still weeping?
Jul 2013 · 704
Rachel Mary Jul 2013
The ugly building
Supposed to milden the devastating perils of the destruction of the body of a loved one ; or unloved one.
Or perhaps, it is not a destruction . Perhaps it is merely the transition from body to dust ( from dust , to nothing).
For how are we to proceed? Knowingly pacing the wooden floors that the person you once called ' dad' is perished , gone only to the foreign lands , far away to the sky .
Amidst the trees , that is where their eyes will once again meet , and that is far to future , and far to the past. It is only how we perceive such death that affects us. Negatively . Positively . It is a deduction from the world , a gain to the stars. Death is not a pity. Death is a rebirth.
Sorry this is not a poem but I needed to get it out
Jul 2013 · 1.1k
the bright side of the moon
Rachel Mary Jul 2013
the bright side
of the moon
is something seen quite rarely
the bright side
of the moon
is percieved as never scary
but let me tell you, dearest foe,
brightness is riddled with woe
happiness is just a myth
and being sane just lasts a blip
when you're stuck inside a mind
where all your thoughts are crude; unkind
wanting to escape this pit
isn't frequent, never a hit
i like being here;
the dark side of the moon
( in fact i'm in my house, trapped in my room )
Jul 2013 · 1.5k
Rachel Mary Jul 2013
I'm smitten
I'm in love
Track listings written
Hounds of love
Jul 2013 · 174
Jul 2013 · 882
Rachel Mary Jul 2013
~~~~psychedelic mania ~~~~
Jul 2013 · 535
I want to die
Rachel Mary Jul 2013
Bless me with the bullet
Please me with the knife
Charm me with the tablets
I want you to end my life
Drown me in the ocean
Take me out to sea
Save me from my beating corpse
Let my soul be free
Burn in me in the fires
Melt me in the flames
Erase me from your memory
Ever forget my name
Lock me in the cellar
Don't let me escape
Til I'm weak and thin
And my pulse no longer shakes
I want you to send me six feet under
**** me in the rain and thunder
I am mentally unwell
And I think living life is hell
Jul 2013 · 459
I want to die
Rachel Mary Jul 2013
Bless me with the bullet
Please me with the knife
Charm me with the tablets
I want you to end my life
Drown me in the ocean
Take me out to sea
Save me from my beating corpse
Let my soul be free
Burn in me in the fires
Melt me in the flames
Erase me from your memory
Ever forget my name
Lock me in the cellar
Don't let me escape
Til I'm weak and thin
And my pulse no longer shakes
I want you to send me six feet under
**** me in the rain and thunder
I am mentally unwell
And I think living life is hell
Rachel Mary Jul 2013
Watch me
But don't look at me
Talk to me
But don't speak to me
Touch me
But don't feel me

I desire to be noticed
And I want to be seen
Yet I'm frightened of social interaction
And beckoning from behind the screen
Jul 2013 · 484
A bit content
Rachel Mary Jul 2013
I'm a bit content
A bit
I'm a bit happy
A bit
I'm not overjoyed
I'm not beaming
But I'm a bit content
A bit
Jul 2013 · 517
Resisting Relapse
Rachel Mary Jul 2013
Never have I ever
Resisted a relapse
As much as I am
Right now
Jul 2013 · 405
Rachel Mary Jul 2013
I would rather have my heart broken
A thousand times over
Than be the one
Breaking the heart
Jun 2013 · 576
I really hate my body
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
I really hate my body
It's actually grotesque
Why can't I be skinny?
And smaller like the rest
I really hate my body
It's big and tall and fat
I wish I was pretty
And had hair that was more flat
I really hate my body
Nobody will love me
How on earth could they
When I'm this ******* ugly?
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
They unite
Joining forces
As if some kind of army
I am expected to partake
In this family unity
But I feel too intellectually superior
To converse with them
And their simple minds
Jun 2013 · 624
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
I want his arms wrapped around me
His breath on my neck,
The warmth  from his exhaling
travelling down my chest
I want his hands
Interlinked with my own
I want his voice in my ear
Telling me not to moan
I want his gaze and to hold it
Like he so majestically holds me
Jun 2013 · 660
jt xxx
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
i was going to write a poem about you
but i decided
you're not worth it
Jun 2013 · 399
nicotene dreams
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
**** me slowly
take my breath
make me unholy
cause my death
delve into my lungs
let me choke
between my finger and thumb
i inhale the smoke
make my thoughts
a dullened cloud
make my parents
be unproud
fill my brain
and make me sick
but let it rain
and make it quick
this is a poem about smoking
Jun 2013 · 332
consice recollations
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
little marks little marks little marks
memoirs of before
broken hearts broken hearts broken hearts
feelings ; shred and tore
Jun 2013 · 345
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
he has
blue eyes
and fluffy hair
and stands stiff
in the town square

he gives money to buskers
and smiles at people who pass
he buys me coffee
and looks into my eyes to see my past
he knows what i am
and he knows what ive done
but he said that i
am his only one
Jun 2013 · 534
library folk
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
i am interested in people
of a certain type
not the sorts of people
with t-shirts that say 'hype'
not the sort of people
who only think about themselves,
i like the types of people
searching the bookshelves
Jun 2013 · 293
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
here i am again
hopelessly alone
sitting nervously
waiting by the phone
nobody will ring
and nobody will know
because i haven't said a thing
about that place i often go
it's very, very dark there
and there isn't any light
usually i get there
3.23 at night
for this is the time
when the monsters come back out
for this is the place
where the numbing is of now
i'm stuck here in this pit
and there is no escape
oh, how i wish
i will never wake
Jun 2013 · 431
dependance on a fantasy
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
the friendships i had
a month ago
have perished
to the backs of our minds
yet i do not feel glum
and i am ebullient towards the beckoning future
that so many others anxiously fear
i am incredibly lucky
to have someone
like you
and without you
i dont think
i would be
the ending is for your own  conclusion, this is a personal poem , id you to think what you want , make it relate to you
Jun 2013 · 720
dawn, dusk and twilight
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
you told me
you would love me
in the dawn
in the dusk
in the twilight
and i believe you
Jun 2013 · 331
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
pondering against
the complexity
of depression
and boredom
and wisdom
is something
i like to spend my wasted time
Jun 2013 · 579
happy hypocrite
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
i am a hypocrite
but who is not?
irony irony irony
i can't wait to rot
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
things can happen
and the things that happen
make you smile
but often
these things that happen
are things that make you
regret them
after a while
Jun 2013 · 393
please dont like me
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
please dont ask me
to be yours
please dont call me
please dont look at me
in that way
please dont say
you brighten my day
i like you lots,
really, i do
but i dont know what
i want from you
Jun 2013 · 618
the osculator
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
she liked it
when they looked at her
she didnt feel as though they were noticing her flaws
as many others do
she gave herself to them
innocently, devilishly;
a promiscuous shadow of her sober self
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
if i had been alone
when sat upon the swing
would you have come and talked?
about so many things?
you play that **** guitar
and sing those ****** songs
yet still you seem so far
and i am always wrong
you give an odd impression;
you're complex but black and white
the happiest depression
the daytime of the night
yet the girl who holds your heart
is small and tanned and right
you know i love your art
i hope you know i write
i wish you all the best
you idiotic prince
maybe i'll see you next
quivering on the sink
Jun 2013 · 329
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
you were sheltered in your ways
and looked at me intently
you were kind and you were cute
and treated me so gently
you held me in your arms
and showed obvious respect
you kept me safe from harm
and lightly kissed my neck
i was yours for a short while
in return, you mine
to you i was not a child
and you gave me all your time
thankyou for making me smile again
you really cheered me up
this time i'll try to smile, and when
you want, i'll pucker up
Jun 2013 · 275
dear ........,
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
ive decided you are common
and rather up yourself
so dont feel the need to talk to me
i'll see you down in hell
Jun 2013 · 694
why are you weird
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
you are very strange
and not in a good manner
id like to see you change
and be a little thinner

you are not very clever
you're clumbsy with your words
'you wont get into heaven
if you're head's stuck in the world'

for these words do repulse you
and obviously , no
you are not hating truth
just dont know where to go
Jun 2013 · 567
i see behind your forward
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
you like to think you're different
and peculiar in ways
that make you seem sufficient
and clever on some days
but darling you are normal
you dont have a broken heart
you just like to be informal
and wait for life to start
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
once there was a girl
who thought an awful lot
once there was a way
to be the things you're not
twice there was a time
the night stood still
the clock , it didnt chime
and all the while, she chilled
Jun 2013 · 469
tangented thoughts
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
i feel a raging fire
inside my bitter soul
i feel a burning desire
inside this hollow hole

what i want and crave
is not what i possess
yet still i do behave
in a manner of address
to those i detest
and make myself feel blessed

people in the sky
going somewhere new
they will never know
who  i am
or why i'm blue

they fly further away
each with their own problems
individual mistakes
the then the plane hits the breaks
and they fall
descending to the earth
what some of them deserve
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
the things you said
at 1am
were the things i kept
at the times when
i desired to die
and i conspired to cry
and i wanted to be thin
and i cut my skin

the times you looked
into my eyes
were the times i kept
when i saw the lies

the times you whispered
and made me smile
were what i remembered
when i needed to hide*
                                          then came the times
                                          where you were unkind
                                          and i did not keep those
                                         for they kept mine
Jun 2013 · 546
u g l y
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
still the words
do pierce my soul
and make me feel

still the looks
do come my way
and make me feel
that i shouldn't stay

'why don't you come?'
the people ask
' we will have fun,
we'll have a laugh'
if only they knew
the reason why
sometimes people
will make me cry
Jun 2013 · 995
self perception
Rachel Mary Jun 2013
life can be
a little difficult
if you're one of the bigger girls

life can often
make you sad
if your face
if not as fair as the rest

life can hurt you
if you see
things in your dull brown eyes
and not beautiful blue

life can always
dishearten you
if you're ugly
and feeling blue
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