I sat lying on a sofa
At a party in
My penthouse apartment
Drunk n ******
At 2am
And all I could think
Was how small these people were
And how you should be here with me
Endlessly
And how vast your mind
Back when I could explore it
And how great your thoughts
(Back when I could contemplate)
These people are too small
Pretty perhaps
Cute like children
But I can't connect with then
Connect with them
Like children
They're just
Too small.

And you were great.
I really miss that.
I really miss you sometimes,
When the small people disappoint me
I always knew I had something rare
But I never knew
You were more than rare
You were,
In the loud times as much as the quiet,
Irreplaceable.

A lone thought in the wind
Spark blinking in mind
a Tesla snap across the great synaptic perhaps,
A momentary lapse in the carefully constructed meditative

emptiness.


The birdsong stops as the engine revs
And the spinning starts
Mental handbrake turns in the snow of scattered crystallized drops of frozen liquid memory,
My face is distorted in the turning.

With my weight over you,
Arms around,
Fingers intertwined and
Speak these words in your ear:
"Please don't feel smothered by me"
Time stretches between our mouths and
Even if you were to spend
Every minute, every
Day in my bed
Talking,
******* even just
Breathing, beside me
It would never be enough.
Some infinities are greater than other infinities
Yet none can be reached,
So please, don't feel smothered by
Me, even though you
Are the food I crave while still eating
You are the song stuck all day in my head
That remains there repeating even after
Having listened loudly and often.
You are the the book that sits
Glued to my hands and my eyes
******* me into its world while
Belittling mine,
You are the dance I cannot replicate with
A lifetime in the mirror
You are the one in seven billion
There is no other
But please don't feel smothered.
If I can never get enough
Then there is nothing you can give.
Therefore you are,
And always,
Free,
So please don't feel smothered
by me.

A flash is all she gave to me
Her light's imprint on all I see
The flicker of her camera's eye
A moment light, a passion fire
Left in burnt and blind desire
I almost heard her say goodbye

If I get blind drunk will you carry me home
And not believe a word I say
Make me hurl to force me better
Then chase my memories away...

The buzz is all that's left to me
In my ears from your company
Enthralled by silken siren song
All the dancing, all the bass
Shouted greetings in my face
I almost thought I might belong

If I get blind drunk will you carry me home
And not believe a word I say
Make me hurl to force me better
Then chase my memories away...

Simultaneous:
Empathy yet,

Apathy:
You shouldn't be.

But why not?

It's 1:23 in the morning
I'm sitting in the darkness of my room
My computer playing Radiohead's
"How to Disappear Completely"
On my left, while
The rain falls heavy on the
Ground outside the open window
On my right as
The poster in front of me
says,

Jesus Christ

I think its about time I chose the brighter path
for once.

Darkest edge of brightest eyes
Here, in contrast,
Beauty lies.

The mud was soft. Feeling cold,
Too cold to be soft, it slid the same
Regardless.
And the fall,
Longer than I saw again
(when I later returned)
Farther,
Fast and fun, long enough to enjoy, relax
Enough to survive
The landing.
The cave, dark but glowing
In the careful light of my deprived eyes
Rivers rising and falling in the forced night
Stalactites clinging maybe
Falling into the grey.
If you had known,
If any if you had known,
Noticed, felt my absence in the crowd
Heeded my falling away,
You could have joined me
For my time in the cave.
So long, longer than I saw
(when later I returned)
That I had spent there,
So peaceful.
There was a gentle dripping, I remember
And sunbeams, if I did not dream them
And voices, I thought I had imagined
Leading me to salvation.
They died, in the end: alone,
I found my own way out,
An escape forever I regret.

Silent thunderous flash and blink
awake into another vision
melting lucid in realization
of a world of simple repeating gestures
all the former things unending held
soft, unfocussed what could be
forever in this gentle bed
until alarmed my heavy head
strikes the work day morning square
to live a truth I am aware
fails to compare to the dream.