even with the full display of shine from sun
this town feels like english rain
i ate a cold sandwich today that was too much for yesterdays lunch
i am not sure where this is going
only knew that i had to get something down.
i've been feeling as though life is a ride,
and mine has become one that goes around in a circle
and never gets quite exciting.
the freedom after the break has now lost it's allure
and i am stuck in a habit that i just cant shake
i miss her, and when i say that,
i miss the feeling of thinking you've found something you've been looking for, i should stop looking
good things come to those who wait, great things come to those who fail
and the most wonderful things can happen when you've fallen flat on your face and you can get up and laugh about it.
i'm not sure if dreams come true, however life is no nightmare
find things you love and hold onto them, if following your heart is the worst thing you ever do i envy you

And I have struggled through alcoholism
And I have struggled with pain
With guilt with blame
I've even struggled with the thought of struggling
And like a worm I wriggle and writhe through life
Trying to shed the exuvia that I love inside to shine to the world my true scales
My true merit
Not what I am but what I want to be

Through struggle I've tugged through and dug through the coffins of friends
Shackles of hardship
And been drug down by the anchors of change and hardships of stains upon my heart and the hearts of others
But I'm gunna dig my way to china
Find all the things that are finer
Release from gravity to sling shot altitude raising above the atmosphere as my guilt lifts
My ballon I will hold to and hold floating swift to escape this earth with a lightness in my heart.
I will bring that sun to all. I will raise my arm and grab at that fire ball to illuminate my loved ones.
To bring back to the darkness of man the truth.
To weigh upon the evil as the lead weight it laid upon me and dig those graves up.
I will save my friends.
I will make a new family.
I will be my unfaltering hero I've always needed.
And yours.

let me just say,
i am sorry.
for all the nights
i got too drunk to move
so i would not have to feel.
for the days
i swallowed away pills
to numb myself
into acceptance.
for the summers i spent
planning how to
**** myself.
for the winters
when i'd hide away.

I think if I hurt enough.
I could write forever.
The blood is the words on the page.
With all names drawn in the skin of every girl or soul or body I've written in.

I'm just trying to make something beautiful. Make something that makes me happy.

Seeing these people in the world I live.
I know it's not real.
I know that I'm just music in flux but a different metal designed into the fabric of complexes sewn into  the crystals.

I can't sniff from my nose now. Cuz I'm 26
That's too old.
Not old enough to die.
And you're never old enough to die. Nor young enough to live.

Beer by beer we walk the streets in new lights.
All the cities offer new drains to seap into and breathe damp clusters of anathema.
Gaining asthma.


The loss from living is your lungs.
Breathing in is worth the pain of the silica of sniffing the grass spicules after a rain.

Chewing our way through cellulose and evolution of carnassials.

I once lot myself to sadness.
I've been to that ledge
And I'm lucky to say I've not jumped off.
But I do understand
And I pull power from that comprehension.
It's almost impossible to believe it when you're there,
That this could ever be something you might survive.
Everything seems so concrete.
But I stand as proof that this is not so.
I once lost myself to sadness.
I do expect to again encounter it,
But I know now,
at least,
There is an end.

at their best, there is gentleness in Humanity.
some understanding and, at times, acts of
courage
but all in all it is a mass, a glob that doesn't
have too much.
it is like a large animal deep in sleep and
almost nothing can awaken it.
when activated it's best at brutality,
selfishness, unjust judgments, ******.
what can we do with it, this Humanity?
nothing.
avoid the thing as much as possible.
treat it as you would anything poisonous, vicious
and mindless.
but be careful. it has enacted laws to protect
itself from you.
it can **** you without cause.
and to escape it you must be subtle.
few escape.
it's up to you to figure a plan.
I have met nobody who has escaped.
I have met some of the great and
famous but they have not escaped
for they are only great and famous within
Humanity.
I have not escaped
but I have not failed in trying again and
again.
before my death I hope to obtain my
life.
from blank gun silencer - 1994