I have a crush on a boy
who makes me angry
with everything he does

because everything he does
is without
the thought of me

while everything I do
is laced
and clogged with
the thought of him

I thought you might have felt it too
between all the stolen glances
and subtle brushing of our hands

maybe I'm wrong
and there was nothing there to feel
maybe I'm just a friend
and you talking to that new girl shouldn't bother me at all

but I know I felt something
I thought I was special
and that new girl
bothers me a lot more than it should

that glorious feeling
of seeing you search for me in a crowd
was quickly replaced
by the retched feeling
of seeing you be happy with someone who isn't me

I think
I would spend
less time being sad
if I didn't fall in love
every time someone
treated me like
I was
worthy

you whispered the empty promise of forever in my ear
and I drank it up,
let it fill my lonely soul

the persuasive ways of lust made me believe everything you said
and that we weren't going anywhere soon

but look where we are now
I haven’t heard your voice in months
and you seem content with your new life without me
without even the thought of me

you’ve taught me that
nothing
nothing
nothing
lasts forever

I'd cut you out if I could
but then again
I can't
I could never do that
cause the thing about you
is that no matter how many times
I shatter my own heart
it always mends itself
at the sight
of your smile

thirty eight days
twenty poems
and an embarrassing amount
of doodled hearts later,
the reality of you not being my one
has finally begun to set in

it’s been one week
of trying to get over you
and i still cried last night
and i will probably cry again
but not forever
because i know that i know that i know
that i deserve so much better

i deserve
someone who will think
my eyes shine like diamonds
and whose heart will always
ache to be next to me
and who will do whatever it takes
to have me, no matter what
someone who will overcome every obstacle
to ensure that i am forever his

and this will be
my last poem about you
and tomorrow will be day one
of erasing your name from my heart
and it’s going to sting
because i really was hoping
you’d stay

but no
i now see that you
are not my one
you are only one step
in the right direction

how do you expect me
to believe i deserve better
when you’re the one proving
that i’m not worth fighting for

and don’t you even dare say
“it’s not you, it’s me”
because i know one day
you will meet a girl
and her eyes will shine like diamonds
and your heart will always
ache to be next to her
and you will do whatever it takes
to have her, no matter what
you will overcome every obstacle
to ensure that she is forever yours

so don’t even try to feed me lies like
“you are good enough”
when you’re completely contradicting that
by leaving me here broken and alone

your words were so lovely
that i never once doubted them,
i couldn’t hear the emptiness
or read into the sugar coated lies
masquerading as sincere promises

i wrote them in cursive
and dotted the i’s with little hearts,
counting on the vows to hold weight

but when i finally tested them
by throwing your “forevers” into the ocean,
they did not sink to the bottom,
instead they floated right on the surface

your guarantees
were like funhouse mirrors,
i ran in one direction
thinking it was leading me
to where i needed to be,
but i came to a dead end,
trapped and broken hearted
with your voice echoing somewhere
“i cannot mend it”

i will not let my journal
turn into pitiful pages
filled with only your name

i will carry on,
bruised by your half-truths
and with eyes full of hope,
nevertheless