I want to destroy myself.

To fall into a pit of elated destruction

Watch me woo myself into the blackness. . .

I want to raise all hell

Dance with strange, strange mutants,

Imbibe some dreaded poison

So I can sleep the nights away in a daze.

I want to use the spell of drugs,

And watch it wrap around my throat and heart,

Just to feel something.

Dead no more, no more.

I want to let evil coil,

Bring in absinthe and *****

Make me immune to its toxicity

Make me spin, make me spin.

Maybe a good dose of lust too,

For the final concoction,

And let this bomb brew in the form of a witch's stew

Then let me *******.

I want to destroy myself,

I only feel alive when I'm burning.

I want to sink into the cruel skin

I was meant to don.

I saved myself, I wanted to be your
Good girl,

Thinking you'd value me higher.

Instead I feel devalued and cheap anyway

Might as well let the white ******* come off.

Stupid, filthy girl,

Let me drink down this **** with a bottle of ***.

Flowers shot in the dark like hearts shot through with darts
Clotting blood in the voice box
Time moving slow as the clock tick tocks
And more bricks are laid
Between me and God

Children smearing on war-paint
Grandmas spitting against the devil's taint
Broken churches, corpse of the saint
Images listless and visually meaningless
In a long array of destructive days
As more bricks are laid
Between me and God

Overlarge toads bellow in the park
Green slimy beings croaking insults in the dark
What they're singing has meaning and the meaning is stark
Rhythmic insults haunting the night like the bark
Bark, bark of a wolf seeking prey
As more bricks are laid
Between me and God

A murderous man has a knife and he stabs
A touring killer with no remorse as he jabs,
Jabs, jabs whilst their blood coats the floor
Serial killer with an unquenchable need for more
Though the police are paid
The case runs cold
More bricks are laid
Between me and God

Chanting children there, with the devil's eyes
Urchins that smell fear, young weavers of lies
They encircle a dog and they throw it with stones
A cold-blooded giggle surrounds the dog's imploring moans
Little demons are made
And more bricks are laid
Between me and God

Are you friend or foe
Rattlesnake or doe
In the night or day
Do you fight or pray?
Curse or hymn
Hate or love
Does it differ?
As more bricks are laid
Between me and God.

I'm so alone now in this shelter as a cocoon
Empty and unholy
Insecure and maybe moody
I'm so unafraid now I've turned my guilt into a blaze
As I rage against the enemies I create
Its the path of freedom in this miserable escape towards happiness

I wasn't particular about the things that I expected from you
Just obvious with the what and when and where and how but never with the why
I knew the secret rules of boundaries and respect
Silence is a way to watch it all or twist it all, or hide it all
Silence was the one time you fell apart when all the other times you weren't too far from Hercules
I am angry with you, patient with you
I can't lose sleep over it
I'll just cry in terror
You can just sit there careless
I guess its times like these when you realize the things you want
And the things you don't

I'm unhappy
At this  very instant
But even most days I can muscle up the energy
I can focus on whats right and whats now and what can be
You can sit there drown in your solitude
because if you can't let it out and you won't let me in
Eventually the guilt from your kisses will be swallowed in acid
And the reaction of which will eat you alive

with my brown eyes peering back at you
from the snowed-in window pane
i shivered at the look of you
staring back at me
because i could smell you through
the closed doors

and i rested my head upon your shoulder
and you rested yours upon mine
i could not shake the desire
to reach for love i would never find

in the darkness of the night
i long for you alone
for us to make these wrongs a right
your name runs through the marrow of my bones

these words are overused
lost in synchronicity
the time has come for me to choose
between lust and serendipity

the "l" word and it's lofty weights
the way i'm begging for you to stay
but you told me not to come back again
but it's your heart on which i depend

i love you, no
i lust after you
say it ain't so
for you to love me too.

It's never quite right, he said, the way people look,
the way the music sounds, the way the words are
written.
It's never quite right, he said, all the things we are
taught, all the loves we chase, all the deaths we
die, all the lives we live,
they are never quite right,
they are hardly close to right,
these lives we live
one after the other,
piled there as history,
the waste of the species,
the crushing of the light and the way,
it's not quite right,
it's hardly right at all
he said.

don't I know it? I
answered.

I walked away from the mirror.
it was morning, it was afternoon, it was
night

nothing changed
it was locked in place.
something flashed, something broke, something
remained.

I walked down the stairway and
into it.