Charm is deceptive and beauty fades,
but a woman who honors the Lord,
should be praised.

I was only a small child. He pulled me by my hair and threw me on his bed. He climbed on top of me and whispered into my ears that I was the best gift that god had ever given to him for his own use. He looked at me with so much anger, hunger, desired intensity, I could see the fire in his eyes as they began to dilate. He slapped me on my face thrice and shouted at me to stop crying and that my tears were not gonna save me now. He could see the fear in my eyes, but his cold heart so selfish of this child in front of this monster turned its back on me, the child that used to be loved, cared, and well looked after. He began tying my arms to the bed and my legs too. His proximity was too much for me because I could smell the alcohol, the heaviness of this man against my skin. He began touching me, trying to make me believe that everything was going to be okay and soon it would all go away . What could I have said? For I was only a small child back then. All I could recall was the flash of a girls innocence stripped away by her own flesh and blood, her father the man that help his wife give birth to his only child, the man whose now become her biggest nightmare. If I had to say something to him right now, questions of why he had done what he did to me would come about. Why dad? Why did you do it? Why did you **** and abuse me? I thought fathers are suppose to love and protect their daughters? Why did you make me hate you so? You have left me scarred. All I see in the mirror is an ugly, used, girl with a lot of blood on her hands. I feel so *****, you made me *****. I cant stare at any guy without seeing your face and that evil smile, that smile my worst nightmare because I always knew what it meant. I hate you, you ruined my life and now, now I cant even begin to describe how much I wanted or have tried to **** ,myself because of you. I hope your happy, proud of yourself, do feel you have achieved what you wanted? Did you honestly love me? Why why did it have to be me? I guess only God knows, after all I was the best gift that God had given to my father.

My name is Queen Stuurman.
Not Queen Elizabeth,
or Queen Latifah,
but simply just Queen.

I am a unique being born and raised in the roots of Africa,
my culture and roots are proof of where I'm from,
I'm not made in China.
I AM PROUDLY AFRICAN!!
A representation of my country,
its war cry resides within me,
my rainbow nation skin colour,
the many stories about my beautiful country I have yet to tell in my head.

So next time you see me,
call me Queen Stuurman
that's my Afrikaans and isiXhosa surname,
made and bred in Africa,
I am the African Queen.

I am my mothers eyes,
brown, soft, loving and kind.
With a thousand stories to tell, she would lay me down in my cocoon, when I was young and little, look up with those bold eyes, "God are you listening?" she would ask, then a stretch of a smile would brush the sadness in  her eyes.
Why does God lie?
Why can't he/she be honest sometimes?
These are questions I always ask myself when I'm in deep contemplation about life.
I cry sometimes you know, when she lies in bed helplessly, knowing that someday, she'll lie there, still in peace, there'll be no more breath in her lungs.
Yesterday I cried again,
Feeding the pain inflicting me,
She texted me back "I'm doing okay, don't worry about me okay?"
How can I stop worrying?
when its all I can do,
hold my phone to my hand in stagnation,
so grateful that the one technological piece in my hand, is as close as I can get to you mom.
I know what I did was wrong,
moving out especially at a time you needed me the most.
I left you with pain and suffering,
and now I cant undo it because its made its way to your stomach, its killing your insides,
and all I can do is blame myself.
They say you'll never understand someones pain until you step into their shoes.
I wish I could do that. I wish I could step into your shoes and heal this disease that's trying to take you away from me.
God please if you're reading this, take your time to please return the promise you gave to me, the one you told me when I allowed you into my life, when I said I'm all yours and you mine.
Please don't take my mother away from me.
Not yet,
not until I've given her the best life she deserves

It has been almost a month since we slept on the same bed, shared a meal on the same plate, forgotten about the pains and focused on the laughter's instead.

It has been almost a  month now since I felt the touch of your hand, massaged the back of you neck, uttered a word or two to you, how I miss making love to you...

I know these are simple words, but you and I both know that we created a world of our own, which has now fallen into an abyss of storms, lost souls wandering around wondering where did we go wrong?

There are so many words I can use to describe the love on its own, but nothing can compare to the profound experience we went through, the emotions, the thrill of it all.

All I can say is that I still miss you, I sometimes don't know what to do, but cry, weep or fall in a state of numbness, I guess it'll probably take another year or years to get over you.

they say once you lose someone you thought truly loved, your life changes completely because maybe that one person was the reason you woke up everyday with a reason to live, smile, dance silly whilst being in the rain, the reason why your heart skipped a beat, the reason why you had a reason to be inlove, to know that no matter what happened you would be alright because every time you ran in his arms or opened up your heart and your thoughts of worry they would listen to you, guide you and be there for you through that time of joy and sadness. Its hard because its as if you have nothing to hold onto, you feel indifferent, you hide behind the bathroom door, lock it behind you and cry, cry because things will never be the same again, cry because you wish you could turn the hands of time, cry because your struggling to get over him, cry because its the only way to let the pain come out and cry because you know you've changed.

its been 3 months of silence between us.
anything can happen in those inevitable months.
3 months to doubt,
3 months to forget if this was ever about love,
3 months for another,
to fill the missing pieces of our hearts,
3 months of silence?
the epiphany of those 3 months scare the hell out of me,
because everything feels like it has changed.
what happened the endless calls?
the constant texting?
the need for each other?
the fire between us is slowly turning into a dispersal of smoke into air.
it hurts to know that we both don't know how things became this way,
3 months,
tell  me love,
are we still okay?

I could cut down a whole tree,
to write on paper of how much you mean you to me,
but either way you will never get the chance to see
the thousand words written for you from me.

she is infinity beyond what nature can compare. In awe she is looked upon on. Her walks, flaws so untangibly bare. Jealousy surrounds her like a thousand swarming beez. They seem not to notice that she doesnt care but humbly flaunts her beauty requiting their envy with her stares. Her heart so strong her love deeper than the ocean can reach is a hope for others. She is beauty and beauty is her.

I can see the blank wall between our hearts,
the wall that was once filled with writings of our love,
reflections of our hearts,
the stories that made us reminisce and laugh about,
the memories,
hours spent,
the love,
the intense ***,
all of these have become a blank wall,
living our lives in separate worlds,
the world that we once fought together on our own,
has simply become a blank wall.
to afraid to face the truth of our dispersing hearts,
we continue to walk,
our own paths,
the blank wall between our hearts still continues to grow
an indication,
of our discontinuation,
to face the blank wall.

what a bundle of joy these little ones are
to me,
like stars in the sky,
they always create a warm feeling of light
in my heart.

their innocent minds,
with innocent talks,
words of an ideal fairytale life
their hopes, and dreams,
make me smile,
the fact that they have the drive inside of them
that compels them to love life
and never give up
when the going gets tough

It saddens me to know that someday
I'll have to face the reality,
that this moment of their childhood will come to an end
where they will grow up
their minds compelled,
to to experience more of life,

the worst part is the epiphany
that someday I'll pick them up
and place them down,
and never pick them up again.

I can hear her singing in the bathroom through our the echoing walls,
the sound of her voice invites me to listen closely to her call,
its melody sung bursts through her vocals chords,
but in a sweet kinda way,
like honey slowly dripping from honey combs,
as a swarm of honey bees swarm around it like a God,
they worship this beautiful simplicity,
like I am doing.

like a child I am mystified by her sounds,
so many different chords sung in such little space,
little time,
they take over me,
fill a void within me,
who knew that such a beauty without knowing could arouse someone else on the other side of the room.

she compels me not only by her beautiful curves,
nor that smile that always wipes away the grey clouds, raindrops that fill my impregnated mind,
but by the compelling sound of her voice,
which the secret I keep to myself alone,
for now like a child I shall remain innocently mystified   by this beautiful damsel that resides within my heart.

She looks around to see if there's anyone watching her.She quickly runs to the bathroom with tears filling her eye. The flashbacks are back again of what she used to call love. She locks herself in one of the bathroom and quietly the tears pour out, too oblivious to the pain she's feeling inside.
Out she pulls her only comfort, her friend and her relief. The blade so sharp digs into her skin cutting, cutting away the heavy thoughts, the nightmares, the fear, the pain she refuses to face yet she knows the blade she cuts with is her only protection from them.
The blade is there to take all the pain away, slowly , surely she lies to herself.
Her cuts deepen without her realising or thinking about the immense dripping of blood.
Suddenly it all disappears, the pain slowly fades away, her blade, her friend has fulfilled its job once again.
Its all over she say.

I cheated on you today,
with an old friend of mine,
I guess you could blame it on the alchohol,
or the fact that I was lacking the need of love,
physical touch,
you once filled in and out of me.
I enjoyed it you see,
it filled me with so much hate and jealousy,
that my own friend could please me,
in a way you never could do,
I hated you then,
at that moment when he kissed me,
our kiss reminded me of our first kiss,
the one at the rugby field,
you've probably forgotten that day,
but it really meant something to me,
it gave me hope that we would never end up like this,
you ignoring me,
refusing to look at me when we were in deep intimacy with each other,
love making,
so thats why I guess I cheated love,
my vindictive way of showing you,
that your not the only **** around,
nor the only man who longs to be with a woman like myself.

like tiny fresh petals,
slowly and gradually stretching out of their stalk, he slowly kissed me
a kiss that still haunts my memory when I touch my soft brown lips.
his kiss opened up many gate ways like new stars crawling out of darkness of night skies to show their new bright light on oblivious planets, universe and skies of day and night.
like tiny fresh petals
a world of emptiness, desperation welcomed him with eyes wide open, body soul and mind awakening ready for a place for him to fill it, to fill the pain  i was involuntary feeling.
like fresh tiny petals
his love
our kiss,
his touch,
hearts left beating
he deflowered me.

I wish you could
stare at me drawing you in my mind,
talk about artistry,
you're a beautiful vision of ecstasy,
making my teeth clench,
as body weakens in your presence freezing every word that should have come out,
flowing,
like a river,
my imagination would have run wild,
worshiping you like a knight who rescues me every night in my dreams, you oblivious to my future love.

I am like smoke and ashes that disperse and wither away,
slowly disintegrating into non existence,
talk about extinction,
that's whats my body is slowly turning into,
the shape of my internal bones have started protruding to the surface that I'm scared I might eventually turn into a scarecrow.

I actually enjoy starving my body,
talk about being selfish,
the sound of my stomach grumbling has simply become silence to my ears,
not the way it used to irritate me,
begging, begging and begging to be fed.

your the reason I wake up at night,
sipping coffee,
hands trembling,
the fear of failing,
has got me studying
preparing
preparing
PREPARING!!!
like a owl at night,
my eyes glued to the book,
the inevitable sight,
I have no choice,
but to go through these books,
past papers,
study notes,
last minute cramming,
untill I face the dreaded cold halls of my school,
to finally face you....

She is the exception to the rule
Does not conform to the ways of others
She sets her own path and lives by her rules.

She is unique
A light of inspiration to those who know her not and pillar of strength to those who do.
They call her weird, crazy, different
Inorder to display their lack of understanding.

She is beautiful
A beauty that goes beyond the physical
The beauty that many a lady strive for but never attain
The beauty that radiates from within
And is seen through her eyes and breathtaking smile.

Exceptional, unique, beautiful
Three words to describe my amazing friend,
Whom I will love and cherish till the very end.

is it normal to feel this way,
always contemplating if this just about,
the *******,
doing everything that pleases him,
just being there when it suites him,
or just my company,
because something feels like its missing,
the feeling you once filled inside of me,
is slowly disappearing,
as if its going with the wind,
being replaced with something hollow and empty,
please tell me why do,
I feel used?
tell me why do I not feel the way I used to feel,
when I kissed you,
touched you,
made love to you,
because this, us,
feels nothing meaningful to you,
im scared,
afraid,
and the worse part of all,
is that I'm on the verge of leaving,
us,
and you.

Take away all those things related to love, blindon me from love at first sight so I may not fall into an early death of a broken heart all over again. Erase the moments that ever made me feel good inside because of him, those short significant hours, minutes and seconds we'd be mesmorised by each others presence because I want to forget it, I want to forget everything to prevent myself from useless tears that obliviously fall down my empty soft hands. If God is all I have, I have everything I need.

Dear sister,
I miss the times we would run wildly in the forbidden woods,
the trees would cast shadows of shields protecting us from imaginary monsters hiding ***** traps to trap us.
There was a glow about you that always stood out to me. You were happy, young and free,
(WE were happy, young and free!)

The last time I saw you was a year ago,
I noticed that even with you aging so beautifully well, the youth that once shone within you has started fading,
like a tree thats changing when entering a new season.
You've distance yourself from the memory of us.
You've decided to block the hurt that separated the bond that we once held.
Its like a forgot wound, so dormant yet growing like an invasive cancer, It reeks of pain, It reeks of burnt dreams, It reeks of a time we grew older and forgot those two innocent kids running freely in the woods.

There were four bodies, walking in one line towards me.
It was a bridge, a dark bridge inviting fear to overtake me.
I was on my phone...What was I thinking being on the phone
whilst walking alone?

They first walked towards me with innocence and poverty written in their eyes,
there were lies waiting, perhaps hoping I could give them what they wanted.
Like the idiot I was I allowed them to corner me,
they cornered me like shadows leaving no space for light.

I held on tightly of the strength and bravery left in me,
my phone being ripped out of my hands,
my bag,
my neck being choked,
being held down by the weight of four men,
who simply wanted help yet turned their rejection to hate, hurt, inflictors of fear,
They gripped my hair,
There was no air left in me to breath,
My precious body ****** in shock,
I felt lost,
I felt blocked,
I lost my confidence,
then fought back with each and every vocal in me, I screamed and screamed and screamed even if it killed me, even if they killed me, at least I would have died with my bravery intact in me.

I like my my french lover and his french like ways,
the way he sings in foreign accent,
the way makes me feel gay:)

Your Hand
Touching Mine.
This is how
Galaxies
Collide.

A lone tear travels slowly down her cheek.
Her eyes glisten with sadness.
An aching heart beats slowly within her.
Behind that smile, there lies a solemn gaze.
Behind those bright eyes,
there lies unspeakable memories.
Behind that gentle heart,
there lies a world of experiences that most will never understand.
We all wish to see the lovely things,
we all want to see the miracles,
we all look to see the beauty… But behind those lovely things there were once awkward and ungainly roots and stalks,
Behind those miracles there were once broken pieces of lives,
tainted minds,
shattered crystal,
Behind the beauty there was once an ugliness that was not to be acknowledged.
Questions arise within minds,
but fall silent upon lips. For if we do not ask,
we will not know, and if we do not know,
we will not be held responsible.
She lives on.
The painful art of healing moves within her.
A smile plays on her lips,
there is a glance of a twinkle within her eyes,
And that gentle heart… That gentle heart waits.

this morning,
I hurt myself,
not by mistake but on purpose,
I wanted to feel how it felt to live again,
to breath,
to escape the pain,
that was building up inside of me..
it scares me,
to hurt mysef,
it makes me reminisce on the varies times and occasions,
I wanted to commit suicide,
end my,
God given life,
back then I wanted to give up,
to hurt myself again today,
took a lot of courage,
I was scared,
even though I've experienced the pain before,
it showed me that I've grown up,
I've become a stronger person,
within in myself.
I threw away the blade,
and smiled,
telling myself,
I'm beautiful and brave,
and life has a purpose for me.
and that giving up is the last thing on mind,
when I have so many things to achieve in life.

What love is this,
That quenchs my thirst,
Brings me to my knees,
Crying in joy?
This love can not be compared,
To moon, stars,
Universe above.
For this kind of love never fails,
It is so great,
Kind,
Not proud.
For it is love that deserves to be felt by everybody else.

She was a beautiful woman.
A beautiful, courageous woman.
A beautiful, courageous, wrinkly woman.
A beautiful, courageous, wrinkly, happy woman.
A beautiful, courageous, wrinkly, happy, graceful woman.
A beautiful, courageous, wrinkly, happy, graceful, God-loving woman.

They wanted so much for her.

To  be clever,
to be intelligent,
to be a millionaire and support them as repayment for looking after her,
after all that's how the "parenting chain" goes right?
they wanted her to grow up and be something of herself and get married.

They hated disappointments

But what did the term mean to them?
what did it mean to her?
to never fall in love with someone outside their expectations?
culture, religion, society,?
who were they to stop her?
who was she to stop them?
after all she was raised by them!


Maybe its because they were once failures.
who longed for their underachieved dreams to reside within her,
so that they could say that they finally did it.
how can life be so selfish,
everyone taking yet no thinking,
about the feeling of their loved one who their draining?

I see you,
yet
I dont really see you,
I dont see the person that loved my company,
I no longer see the smile,
that made sure everything was at ease
between us,
I keep on contemplating of playing the same game,
that your playing...
you know,
the one called hide and seek,
except with a twist,
you hide and I keep on seeking,
I'm tired of it,
I want to find you,
I need to find us,
I need to find what caused this growing distance.

one day as I was making my way to work,
I saw a little boy,
his eyes so blue,
yet you could see the sadness in them.
it made me want to cry.
and then he pulled out his mahogany guitar,
and played a melody so beautifully well.
he sang a song of how he once fell in love,
with a beautiful girl who died right before his eyes.

he loves freely,
peacefully,
beautifully,
quietly in the middle of the night,
love making,
he loves.

he loves like chocolate ice-cream,
the mmmm...taste in my mouth,
licking lips,
warm feeling in my heart,
he loves.

he loves like mama loves her baby,
cuddling,
tickling,
lovingly,
kissing,
woeing me to sleep,
he loves<3

so light brown
yet so beautiful,

as i watch her talking oblivious to my concentration,
admiring the beauty of her small pink lips,
naked long neck,
freckled oval shaped face,
small,
brown,
riveting eyes,
drawing me to want to know more of her,
to want to play a bigger part in her life,
fill a part of myself in heart beautiful beating heart,
how did i know that such a person could have this effect on me,
so compelling is her voice that like a cliché she "brings me to my knees"
legs,
shaking like strawberry jelly,
hands trembling,
she's mind boggling,
leaving me with more inquisition,
to read between the mysteries that lie behind her beautiful mind,

so light brown,
yet so beautiful.

she has stolen my heart,
a part of me has become so lost i her,
i have become so engrossed in her,
yet she doesn't even know it,
it's painful,
it really is,
how such a beauty,
will never be mine.

I like him tall,
slim and,
built,
a man who can walk the walk,
more like talk the talk,
a man whose not afraid to sweep
me off my feet,
make love like a real man,
a man who knows how to please,
I want to wake up to breakfast in bed,
he has to always hold my hand,
when I'm feeling scared,
talk to me with respect,
and always be be prepared,
to face my unexpected moodswings,
everyday.
I need him to love me,
like his afraid to lose me,
kiss me like a hunger,
needed to be fulfilled,
treat me like his
Queen,
I want to be his first priority,
cause if he doesnt fulfill my standards,
that would make the worst thing that every happened,
in my life.

his kiss gives me hope that he still wants to be with me.
it leaves me breathlessly wanting more of him to fill that desire,
need for him all over again.

his smile,
is unpredictable
it is where mystery lies.
like clouds making a path way for sunlight,
to shine,
his smile brightness my day,
it makes the little tiny problems seem okay.

they welcomed me with words such as "home sweet home".
they said it was a place I would feel safe and warm,
a place like no other,
a place I can be myself,
a place called home,
a place I can finally be with a loving family of my own.
yet,
behind their masks laid a bunch of wicked lies.
and like a blind mouse,
I followed their wicked paths,
I was pretty young then,
living in a wicked lions den,
in fear and pain,
crying everyday,
my hair started turning grey,
it was the reflection of the emptiness,
that planted itself like a seed inside of me,
my tiny little heart,
became wicked like my foster family,
I grew up without the willingness to love,
to breath freely,
I grew old,
because of my "family"
because they made me believe in the non-existing
home sweet home.

I am like a halo on your head,
glorifying your every step of the way,
as if you were dipped in honey,
sweetness in disguise,
smothered in gold,
rich in your lies,
but then again here I am holding you up,
as you milk every inside of me,
because you know I'm easy to give in,
and easy to let things go.

Sitting,
patiently,
obviously,
withering without seeing the great I AM in me.
the great things I could do if I were loving enough of myself too!

if only,
I could let the words fly out like butterflies,
flying freely in the sky,
I lack the freedom to express myself inside,
I lack the trust and understanding in you,
the understanding that your with me not because I care for you,
but because you love me for me.
you always tell  me you,
you love me for the truth I always speak,
you love me because I'm the other half that keeps life worth living,
the other half that makes you happy,
that makes a part of you feel joy and peace,
that makes you feel like he can be who he wants to be when I'm around him.
if only I could see what you see,
if only I could feel free,
I'm scared you see,
like a baby,
I don't know what step to take first,
I'm scared I won't make you happy enough,
I don't know how to believe in myself,
I don't know where to start,
you say it takes time,
to get over the scars that once used to control your life,
the battle of trying to survive the abuse that caused you pain inside,
you say you're here for me,
I'm scared to see what you see in me,
I'm scared you'll leave,
like the rest did,
if only I could see what you see,
just maybe,
maybe it will change my perception of things,
if only.

ignoring me was the biggest mistake you ever made.

I hate the way you make it hard for me to leave you.
you make me feel the way I've always wanted to feel,
needed to feel,
deserved to feel.
the thing is its kinda crazy,
that it leaves me not knowing what to do,
with this love that you implemented in my empty heart,
like a drug I've become so compelled to this addiction,
yet stuck,
because even though I know the exit door is around the corner,
I know the fear lingers in the air,
fear I won't ever find someone like you out there
I'm scared to leave you lover,
and I'm not gonna pretend,
even though I hate to say it,
for the first time I've realized that your not going anywhere,
your the first guy whose tears I've shed,
out of joy, love and happiness in years,

I remember taking a shower in front of him, the water drizzling down my body all the way to my ******, while he stared at me.
He liked what he saw, because maybe he didn't expect me to get undress in front of him, to be so completely comfortable in front of a stranger I knew nothing of.
I was in my own world, where I owned this hurt, of fights of  dying loving and passion for a lover I'd left back home.
He would call me and hear the anger steaming from my voice, yet not once did he bother to question it, out of fear of the unknown, out of fear that maybe I'd decided I was fed up and wanted to leave him and quit what we both called love.

So here I was in front of a man, who was clothed yet I naked.
After my long shower, I led him to a room which I took power of, and gently kissed him on the lips, without thinking about anything, even though all I could think of was, "What are you doing?"

People always think that cheating is wrong, that its not worth it, and that you'll never meet Mr/Mrs right if you leave your legs loosely open for men or women to feast at.
But they never tell you of what you go through to get to that point in your life,
Its where the cheating stems from, its where the hurt grows, its the root of all pain and suffering knowing that you have to live with this lie when you go back home to him, to a man you once'd urged to be with, craved every undying moment with him...Now you hate yourself so much, and you hate him too for not trying to put up a fight for you two. So I'm sorry my love. I'm sorry I lied to you.

I love him, I still do. The days have gone by so quick yet I can't eradicate the thoughts of him that linger in my head, reminiscing every smile on his face, look in his eyes, his beautiful smile that made me feel like everything would be okay, his manly smell that one scent that always drew me near to him, those times, those seconds, those hours, that minute that one moment that my mind in oblivion can not feel yet my heart in rapid beating felt in depth, in love for him and me specifically for him, I won't forget no matter how hard it will be I will always love him truly.

Your the illusionist,
That's left me drowning in a pool of illusions,
confusion,
Typical confuisions,
Instilled in my head by you,
Broken,
Its left me breaking,
There's no faking this feeling,
That's killing me,
Death is such a beauty,
Its one way to end pain,
Tear drops blending with the rain,
I have no choice,
But to face the love game,
No one can refrain from this game,
Because once you start you can't go back,
You start all over again,
To face the cycle of the game,
More illusions,
Disillusion,
And your heart breaks again and again.

I love you
I have always loved you for the ways in which you are stubborn, yet free
the way how your face lights up and eyes squint when no one is watching except me, myself and I,
YES!
you are admirable,
difficult at times,
but beautiful
in the way you love me for me,
I never thought anyone could tolerate me like the way you do,
my terrible need to provoke people,
to see if their love for me was as real as their spoken ''truths''.
but you,
my friend,
my sister from another  mother, you have tolerated me thus far,
tried to guide me into giving up this hard shell I keep between yours and my heart,
but I've failed you now,
gone beyond breaking you at times,
I've become way too blind to notice these actions of mine towards you,
all because the mind took over the heart,
the heart became silent,
perhaps too stagnant to speak its own mind.
or maybe this is what I'll away be to you,
another last page in your book,
a book you tried turning the pages over and over again,
in hopes the story would move from situations to bright places,
but have come to conclusions that it'll never happen,
the inevitable does however remain
but no matter what happened between me and you,
I will always love you,
and wait.

you drive me to hurting myself,
I become insane when your no longer there.
The insanity, creeps up on the walls of my house,
bedroom,
like a nightmare it fills up my bed,
foils itself around me,
mind,
filled with thoughts that you might be with someone else.

In your beautiful brown eyes,
there is no space for the sight of me,
INVISIBLE
is what you see,
like a clear crystal glass.

you say;
the view of me through your eyes,
leaves you blind,

INVISIBLE
is what you see,
with an empty heart,
you choose not to look, not see
so vain you've become,
when I beg and plead for you to notice me,
to notice the aquamarine dress I put on just for you,
the glistening eye shadow your favorite shades of blue ,
you cynical remarks make me feel ugly,
I try so hard to please you but yet,
INVISIBLE IS WHAT YOU SEE!

why cant you love me?
make me feel like the woman,
I was always proud of when I used to make you happy?
our home has become as cold as you have become,
our love has become old as shriveled up fruit,
the fruit of our discontinuous love.
all because you lost the beauty you saw in me,
you lost the long heart beating love for me,
you gave up on what could have been the best part of our intimacy,
the once escalating, growing relationship,
that's become an empty strange broken down place,
cob-webbed and gray,
you never told me what I'd done wrong to push you away,
maybe I wasn't doing enough to entertain you everyday
you'd say.

I want you to be free,
so you can no longer endure the pain of seeing me,
it wouldn't matter now anyways,
I was always invisible to you,
so this is my way of ending your malignant pain
Don't cry, be happy,
one of us had to run away and die from this misery,
I nominated myself to die,
so you no longer had to see me
now as I write my last words
I feel free from all the burden and misery
of you seeing invisible me.
Goodbye my lover, partner friend
my heart will always love you till the end.

I remember,
clear blue skies,
mama in the kitchen singing sweet lullabies,
with the sun shining outside
I could smell the,
fresh cut green grass,
how I loved staring at the sky,
drawing pictures with my innocent green eyes,
I was only a child.

I remember,
hearing gun shots,
from the kitchen,
hearing mama screaming,
her scream,
painfully hurt my ears,
creating an ocean of  fear,
crawling in my skin.
as she ran out of the kitchen,
I'd never seen so much blood dripping.
the blue sky,
with the smiling sun,
began to fill up with an escalation of dark, grey clouds
I was only a child.

Is it wrong to miss you this much?

Your eyes sinking deep into mine as hands touched bodies you straddled my mind with your illuminating being
By breathing life to a heart that once lacked oxygen,
Yes you filled me up so much yet left me not half full but empty inside.
I hanged onto my life support whom I called God even though my asthmatic attacks were catching up with me as I slept I tried losing myself in dreams,
I started wheezing inside out and the tears fell down like a waterfalls down oblivious cheeks which once glowed with the kiss of your lips because by then you meant something to me and I was falling in love too quickly to see what I was going to end up losing...which was you.

So is it wrong to miss you my love?
For love was there from the beginning via the inner parts of our hearts,
Beneath blankets that laid two naked lovers with hope residing within body soul and mind to be or perhaps grow together and be one I thought to myself.

But look at you now
Look at me now
I'm slowly caving into my four bedroom walls that once again laugh and mock at my chances of finding love.

Where are you ?
Are you hiding yourself in dark corners to punish my mind as to why you requited the favour of love by stabing my heart.
So

Is it wrong to miss u now?
To want you to wrap your arms around my cold waist for you to warm it up?
To pleasure my desires of hearing your irresistible voice as you speak about your ambitions in life and how a part of you sees me in it too?

To kiss you and do it again freely freeing myself into our world that once existed?

To perhaps have a moment whereby I chose you only and not God just so I can worship you and Praise you like a king and love you with all of my being.
Just to have you once again in my arms or lay on your chest to hear your heart beating away and smiling to myself that out of Anyone you chose me and I chose the best.