ignoring me was the biggest mistake you ever made.

My name is Queen Stuurman.
Not Queen Elizabeth,
or Queen Latifah,
but simply just Queen.

I am a unique being born and raised in the roots of Africa,
my culture and roots are proof of where I'm from,
I'm not made in China.
I AM PROUDLY AFRICAN!!
A representation of my country,
its war cry resides within me,
my rainbow nation skin colour,
the many stories about my beautiful country I have yet to tell in my head.

So next time you see me,
call me Queen Stuurman
that's my Afrikaans and isiXhosa surname,
made and bred in Africa,
I am the African Queen.

is it normal to feel this way,
always contemplating if this just about,
the *******,
doing everything that pleases him,
just being there when it suites him,
or just my company,
because something feels like its missing,
the feeling you once filled inside of me,
is slowly disappearing,
as if its going with the wind,
being replaced with something hollow and empty,
please tell me why do,
I feel used?
tell me why do I not feel the way I used to feel,
when I kissed you,
touched you,
made love to you,
because this, us,
feels nothing meaningful to you,
im scared,
afraid,
and the worse part of all,
is that I'm on the verge of leaving,
us,
and you.

We lost the time,
the hours,
minutes,
seconds,
that were once ours
those moments of time can never be traced,
they can never be replayed
were they ever there?
time doesn't care,
and we proved that right,
by showing the same,
we lacked the strength,
to allow our hearts to show its nakedness,
our love,
the feeling that once shone out like light day in and day out.
so we left,
we walked away locking away our hearts in chains,
to never open up again,
we walked away with bare hands,
bare hearts,
bare minds,
bare, hours, secs spent in vain.
we lost time for each other.

they say "pain demands to be felt"
how can they say such words when they've experienced the pain I've felt?
I guess their right,
no matter how hard you try to push away the emotions,
the pain you feel inside of  you always haunt you somehow,
it slowly sinks in,
biting away at your heart,
racing to your mind,
making you feel worse than you expected to feel before.

one day as I was making my way to work,
I saw a little boy,
his eyes so blue,
yet you could see the sadness in them.
it made me want to cry.
and then he pulled out his mahogany guitar,
and played a melody so beautifully well.
he sang a song of how he once fell in love,
with a beautiful girl who died right before his eyes.

crystal ****,
popping drinks,
thats the way we live,
more like our way of having fun,
the stereotype of being young.
you can call us the new generation.
out in the streets and houses at midnight,
where beds are supposed to be filled with young teenage kids,
lost in a world of "childish" dreams.
their beds are as empty as a crystal clear glass.
replaced with the pleasure seeking party life,
dancing away their lives till morning,
tryna fight the inevitable tiredness of their bodies.
this is us,
the new generation,
the stereotype,
of who we are
and what we have become.

Stop listening to perfume scented lies,
that leave you empty Inside,
for his tongue only utters words,
that allow your leg to slowly open,
forgetting,
that your heart is left with scars,
so just stop,
listening to perfume scented lies.....

She was a beautiful woman.
A beautiful, courageous woman.
A beautiful, courageous, wrinkly woman.
A beautiful, courageous, wrinkly, happy woman.
A beautiful, courageous, wrinkly, happy, graceful woman.
A beautiful, courageous, wrinkly, happy, graceful, God-loving woman.

Your Hand
Touching Mine.
This is how
Galaxies
Collide.

I remember a day,
it was a very rainy day,
mama told us we couldn't come out to play,
but with stubbornness in us, we hid away from her,
put our wellington boots on,
and quietly,
tiptoed outside the house,
to run away,
at that time we were brave,
so young and childish,
yet so gay,
we accepted all sorts of dares,
and created our own little silly games.
I won't forget that rainy day,
when you whispered into my ear,
I was the best est sister ever,
those words brought tears to my eyes,
that's the day I plucked a daisy and placed it in your hair,
and told you that no matter ,
how many days were filled with rainy sad weather,
you always brightened up my day,
you were the reason why the rain didn't bother me then,
when in actual fact it does now that your no longer there.

we may not be the most obvious expressionists,
for we keep our special pen and papers,
folders,
diaries hidden from the world,
and once we enter our secret world,
that's when we fully open up to our paper,
and the  pen becomes a reflection of our hearts,
the thoughts impregnating our minds,
falls like waterfalls onto our paper,
our pen becomes a existing object in our lives,
we create him as our best friend,
lover,
as he writes down all our desires,
secrets,
feelings we hide in our hearts, to afraid to tell anyone what goes on in our head.

"just look up"
mama would say.
she always smiled when she looked up,
as if she were high on drugs,
in this case she was high on God.
she loved to look up,
when the times were tough,
she'd look up and cry,
quietly whispering words of prayer to herself.
looking up gave her hope,
it made me wonder how God,
could answer so many prayers at once,
did he ever stop to take a break and forget about us?
or stop looking down.

She is the definition of beauty,
For the first time I laid eyes on her,
I did not only melt in the sight of her beauty,
But,
The way she made me feel,
When her lips touched mine,
The way her delicate soft, gentle hands made trails around my
lips,
Body,
Touching every layer of matter,
Within me.
Oh!
The desires she filled in me,
They made me feel so weak,
Yet submissive,
And willing to feel.

I like him tall,
slim and,
built,
a man who can walk the walk,
more like talk the talk,
a man whose not afraid to sweep
me off my feet,
make love like a real man,
a man who knows how to please,
I want to wake up to breakfast in bed,
he has to always hold my hand,
when I'm feeling scared,
talk to me with respect,
and always be be prepared,
to face my unexpected moodswings,
everyday.
I need him to love me,
like his afraid to lose me,
kiss me like a hunger,
needed to be fulfilled,
treat me like his
Queen,
I want to be his first priority,
cause if he doesnt fulfill my standards,
that would make the worst thing that every happened,
in my life.

she is a winner and i a loser,
she has won a trophy and i have gained a broken heart.

I love starecases
I love the different levels of them,
especially the colours,
black, brown which ever hue,
one likes or chooses.
however,
I hate the ones we have at home,
the ones covered in ****** stains,
I know
I sound insane,
but the ghost still lives and on walks on them,
the ghost of mom,
you remember dad,
you were there when she died,
in my arms,
when you shot her brains out
one,
two,
like a boxing match,
she was knocked out,
why didn't you listen to her?
when she told you to put the gun down?
she now sleeps six feet underground,
so much for the love of staircases.

She is the exception to the rule
Does not conform to the ways of others
She sets her own path and lives by her rules.

She is unique
A light of inspiration to those who know her not and pillar of strength to those who do.
They call her weird, crazy, different
Inorder to display their lack of understanding.

She is beautiful
A beauty that goes beyond the physical
The beauty that many a lady strive for but never attain
The beauty that radiates from within
And is seen through her eyes and breathtaking smile.

Exceptional, unique, beautiful
Three words to describe my amazing friend,
Whom I will love and cherish till the very end.

like tiny fresh petals,
slowly and gradually stretching out of their stalk, he slowly kissed me
a kiss that still haunts my memory when I touch my soft brown lips.
his kiss opened up many gate ways like new stars crawling out of darkness of night skies to show their new bright light on oblivious planets, universe and skies of day and night.
like tiny fresh petals
a world of emptiness, desperation welcomed him with eyes wide open, body soul and mind awakening ready for a place for him to fill it, to fill the pain  i was involuntary feeling.
like fresh tiny petals
his love
our kiss,
his touch,
hearts left beating
he deflowered me.

as I lie down to sleep,
these silent memories,
like snails,
slowly crawl into my head,
every memory stuck on replay,
memories of our last kiss
in your small silver car,
the last kiss shared before we faded  away,
like dust we dispersed into air,
memories of that day still
haunt me,
your face
it wont go away,
those beautiful eyes,
the way your touch sent waves of explosions,
inside and outside of  me
you were the only one who could release that feeling in me,
because you knew me,
you once loved me,
such memories are too precious to eradicate,
to make them go away,
how I wish it would never hurt this much to go to bed,
sleeping in a world of old memories,
and shedding oblivious tears.

It has been almost a month since we slept on the same bed, shared a meal on the same plate, forgotten about the pains and focused on the laughter's instead.

It has been almost a  month now since I felt the touch of your hand, massaged the back of you neck, uttered a word or two to you, how I miss making love to you...

I know these are simple words, but you and I both know that we created a world of our own, which has now fallen into an abyss of storms, lost souls wandering around wondering where did we go wrong?

There are so many words I can use to describe the love on its own, but nothing can compare to the profound experience we went through, the emotions, the thrill of it all.

All I can say is that I still miss you, I sometimes don't know what to do, but cry, weep or fall in a state of numbness, I guess it'll probably take another year or years to get over you.

you have eyes and so do I,
you and I have ears that hear,
a mouth that talks,
internal organs structured the same way as mine,
and feet that walk,
its this beautiful simplicity that makes us human and connects each other,
sister or brother, friend or even lover,
yet why do we make color the issue that "separates each other?"

times need to change where we have to look beyond colour,
stop this invasive xenophobia from hurting each other,
placing so called colors in boxes just to feel superior than the other.
we are created the same way,
yet society forgets to place that in there minds each day,
instead the corrupted media injects these theories,
ideologies into our heads,
that makes us behave in a way that brings upon hatred towards one another,
brother to brother hating each other,
wars created just because of this simple man-made word COLOR!
Someday it will soon change,
when the world caves in and we step away from the segregation,
separation due to race,
even though some of us don't want to admit it,
its still there,
the racism,
the stereotype because of race hasn't faded away,
and once we break away from it,
everyone can live in a safe environment just like any other day.

his a lover at night,
but,
a stranger during the day.
his heart in the quietness of nights  is only expressed through alcohol,
where at day he becomes cold and hard as stones...
stones...
that's what our relationship has become,
a once strong formidable rock of love,
now pieces of rock,
stones on oblivious ground.

I am my mothers eyes,
brown, soft, loving and kind.
With a thousand stories to tell, she would lay me down in my cocoon, when I was young and little, look up with those bold eyes, "God are you listening?" she would ask, then a stretch of a smile would brush the sadness in  her eyes.
Why does God lie?
Why can't he/she be honest sometimes?
These are questions I always ask myself when I'm in deep contemplation about life.
I cry sometimes you know, when she lies in bed helplessly, knowing that someday, she'll lie there, still in peace, there'll be no more breath in her lungs.
Yesterday I cried again,
Feeding the pain inflicting me,
She texted me back "I'm doing okay, don't worry about me okay?"
How can I stop worrying?
when its all I can do,
hold my phone to my hand in stagnation,
so grateful that the one technological piece in my hand, is as close as I can get to you mom.
I know what I did was wrong,
moving out especially at a time you needed me the most.
I left you with pain and suffering,
and now I cant undo it because its made its way to your stomach, its killing your insides,
and all I can do is blame myself.
They say you'll never understand someones pain until you step into their shoes.
I wish I could do that. I wish I could step into your shoes and heal this disease that's trying to take you away from me.
God please if you're reading this, take your time to please return the promise you gave to me, the one you told me when I allowed you into my life, when I said I'm all yours and you mine.
Please don't take my mother away from me.
Not yet,
not until I've given her the best life she deserves

your presence is beautiful yet cruel.
the beauty of your presence makes the simplest of things shared between us mean so much  more to me,
but ,
nowadays i prefer you not to show your face because  everytime you do,
the cruelty of your presence shadows every light in the room,
including my heart,
and yet you carry on asking me foolishly why are there tear stains on my cheeks once I come back from the bathroom.

You ask me to remove my scars as you stare at me,
The outlines of my body exposed to your eyes...
You are not the one I wanted to see me for me,
And yet you can feel it, the anger residing within me like a volcano waiting,
To explode.
You know me and now there is nowhere to run to or go…
You carry on exploiting me with your eyes, your body language changing,
As if you were a sculpture, you hate me and I can see it,
It’s written on the tips of your tongue,
The words won’t come out,
My mind is boggled up and I can’t even explain why.
The rooms fill up with silence, casting shadows from wall to wall,
The echoes of our breathing is all that we can hear, like children we childishly turn our heads the other way,
You grab your bag for work, and I grab mine too.
I close my eyes and open the door of our house.
We smile and the world seems like we’ve finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel.
The mask has taken its place.

I see them laughing at me,
the kids at school.
they ask a lot of weird questions,
like why do I look the way I look,
or walk the way I walk.
Sometimes I go home and enter a dark lonely place,
I create friends in my head.
they don't laugh at me,
or question every movement made,
or breath breathed.
I'm human,
just like all other beings,
I wish they would stop being so nasty,
and look beyond my disability.

Unfold me...
I beg you to unfold these layers that lay within me,
removing every layer one by one,
to find a surprise,
meaning,
just so you have no reason to leave me.
This is sadly the fear you've instilled in me,
the need,
using my insecurities to make you feel guilty,
just so you can stay one night,
one more morning,
to unfold me one more time,
and find something new in me for you to love me,
to need me more than you need someone else.

I saw my ex today.
we're friends now you see,
but the attraction still lingers between us
like a magnetic field,
Even though we've both moved on.
Sometimes I regret leaving him,
because when I was with him,
like a bird soaring the sky,
I felt free.
maybe it's because deep down inside,
I want to go back to him,
but for the first time in his life,
I feel happy to see him with someone else.
His finally decided to settle down.

he loves freely,
peacefully,
beautifully,
quietly in the middle of the night,
love making,
he loves.

he loves like chocolate ice-cream,
the mmmm...taste in my mouth,
licking lips,
warm feeling in my heart,
he loves.

he loves like mama loves her baby,
cuddling,
tickling,
lovingly,
kissing,
woeing me to sleep,
he loves<3

Charm is deceptive and beauty fades,
but a woman who honors the Lord,
should be praised.

These ******* fed you when you were still an innocent babe,
Between these legs of mine I cried and from beauty there was pain.
and yet you man whose media/society hyprocracy has become your GOD,
making you look down,
turn heads in shame,
on women who breast feed in public
why?

These golden opportunities given to you and I,
slowly slipping out of your hands not only because if you wanted it you could do anything just to get your hands on it,
but because you're defined by this so called hierarchy, 50 shades of skin tones, size, weight and body,
but if you don't fit into that category your nothing
you simply amount to nothing.
why?

You
Me
Us
brother,
sister,
mother,
father,
any figure.

when will you wake up from this superficial cloud we are all living?
breathing in the lies of how we should be living...
could this truly be what if means to be happy?

ode to the brave who still remain the same,
and will not allow anyone to try and change them because you are rare in this cruel world,
and your change is yet to come.

What love is this,
That quenchs my thirst,
Brings me to my knees,
Crying in joy?
This love can not be compared,
To moon, stars,
Universe above.
For this kind of love never fails,
It is so great,
Kind,
Not proud.
For it is love that deserves to be felt by everybody else.

his smile,
is unpredictable
it is where mystery lies.
like clouds making a path way for sunlight,
to shine,
his smile brightness my day,
it makes the little tiny problems seem okay.

Your the illusionist,
That's left me drowning in a pool of illusions,
confusion,
Typical confuisions,
Instilled in my head by you,
Broken,
Its left me breaking,
There's no faking this feeling,
That's killing me,
Death is such a beauty,
Its one way to end pain,
Tear drops blending with the rain,
I have no choice,
But to face the love game,
No one can refrain from this game,
Because once you start you can't go back,
You start all over again,
To face the cycle of the game,
More illusions,
Disillusion,
And your heart breaks again and again.

Day by day,
Night by night
Kiss by kiss
Touch by touch
Step by step
I fall inlove
A love so incomprehensible
So vivid
So unique
So wild,not even the reign of God can control it.
A passion so deep
A want so strong, the universe would not handle
I love you today
I'll love you tomorrow

your the reason I wake up at night,
sipping coffee,
hands trembling,
the fear of failing,
has got me studying
preparing
preparing
PREPARING!!!
like a owl at night,
my eyes glued to the book,
the inevitable sight,
I have no choice,
but to go through these books,
past papers,
study notes,
last minute cramming,
untill I face the dreaded cold halls of my school,
to finally face you....

I remember,
clear blue skies,
mama in the kitchen singing sweet lullabies,
with the sun shining outside
I could smell the,
fresh cut green grass,
how I loved staring at the sky,
drawing pictures with my innocent green eyes,
I was only a child.

I remember,
hearing gun shots,
from the kitchen,
hearing mama screaming,
her scream,
painfully hurt my ears,
creating an ocean of  fear,
crawling in my skin.
as she ran out of the kitchen,
I'd never seen so much blood dripping.
the blue sky,
with the smiling sun,
began to fill up with an escalation of dark, grey clouds
I was only a child.

Dear sister,
I miss the times we would run wildly in the forbidden woods,
the trees would cast shadows of shields protecting us from imaginary monsters hiding ***** traps to trap us.
There was a glow about you that always stood out to me. You were happy, young and free,
(WE were happy, young and free!)

The last time I saw you was a year ago,
I noticed that even with you aging so beautifully well, the youth that once shone within you has started fading,
like a tree thats changing when entering a new season.
You've distance yourself from the memory of us.
You've decided to block the hurt that separated the bond that we once held.
Its like a forgot wound, so dormant yet growing like an invasive cancer, It reeks of pain, It reeks of burnt dreams, It reeks of a time we grew older and forgot those two innocent kids running freely in the woods.

what a bundle of joy these little ones are
to me,
like stars in the sky,
they always create a warm feeling of light
in my heart.

their innocent minds,
with innocent talks,
words of an ideal fairytale life
their hopes, and dreams,
make me smile,
the fact that they have the drive inside of them
that compels them to love life
and never give up
when the going gets tough

It saddens me to know that someday
I'll have to face the reality,
that this moment of their childhood will come to an end
where they will grow up
their minds compelled,
to to experience more of life,

the worst part is the epiphany
that someday I'll pick them up
and place them down,
and never pick them up again.

they welcomed me with words such as "home sweet home".
they said it was a place I would feel safe and warm,
a place like no other,
a place I can be myself,
a place called home,
a place I can finally be with a loving family of my own.
yet,
behind their masks laid a bunch of wicked lies.
and like a blind mouse,
I followed their wicked paths,
I was pretty young then,
living in a wicked lions den,
in fear and pain,
crying everyday,
my hair started turning grey,
it was the reflection of the emptiness,
that planted itself like a seed inside of me,
my tiny little heart,
became wicked like my foster family,
I grew up without the willingness to love,
to breath freely,
I grew old,
because of my "family"
because they made me believe in the non-existing
home sweet home.

there's always a battle between ones self and spiritual self.

She looks around to see if there's anyone watching her.She quickly runs to the bathroom with tears filling her eye. The flashbacks are back again of what she used to call love. She locks herself in one of the bathroom and quietly the tears pour out, too oblivious to the pain she's feeling inside.
Out she pulls her only comfort, her friend and her relief. The blade so sharp digs into her skin cutting, cutting away the heavy thoughts, the nightmares, the fear, the pain she refuses to face yet she knows the blade she cuts with is her only protection from them.
The blade is there to take all the pain away, slowly , surely she lies to herself.
Her cuts deepen without her realising or thinking about the immense dripping of blood.
Suddenly it all disappears, the pain slowly fades away, her blade, her friend has fulfilled its job once again.
Its all over she say.

I closed my eyes,
and touched my soft lips.
tracing its shape,
I had a flash back,
to a time when he kissed me.
his kiss wasn't a benevolent,
loving kiss,
not something I would love to think about,
or reminisce,
but the flash back struck a part so deeplu hurting,
I tried to fight off the thoughts of him kissing me.
His kiss hurt me.
it was done out of desire and selfishness.
it didn't mean anything to him,
but to me it did.
like a nightmare,
that kiss still haunts me.
and to this day,
I fear to kiss anyone in fear of being *****.

I was standing next to him,
staring deep into his eyes,
it almost made me blind,
to change my mind,
of how my heart,
truly felt about him,
it almost made me want to realize,
epitomize that maybe he was the "one",
not the same as the other guy,
whose words were antagonist,
in disguised,
an oxymoron of  half truths and half lies,
it actually hurts to write this poem
put it words I wish were my own,
but in honest truth its better to hide them at home,
because if I had to describe them to you,
you wouldn't understand the feeling inside.

Dear Mr President of South Africa,
with all due respect,
I write before you in poetry,
I write on behalf of my citizens and others,
to ask you questions I feel are answered.

The streets are filled with potholes,
inflation continuously grows,
there's crime, abuse unsolved,
and buildings, homes waiting to be built until then families,
children,
mothers,
brothers,
live outside alone in the cold.
Let me not get started on the secrecy of our politicians, departments of our country,
so much for a democracy,
you might as well label it hyprocrisy,
because of the repetition of  the corruption in our so called democratic country.
and then you expect us to keep on cheering you on like we are happy citizens in our society.
I know you are probably thinking why is this kid worried about this country?
I'm a citizen just like you,
I'm human,
I also have rights, just like yourself,
but,
I care for my country in ways you probably wound never understand.
you see,
I was born from the roots of Africa,
from my African mother and father,
they fought in apartheid,
they are both bread winners,
yet ignore the lies fed to them in our country,
they choose to live their lives in obliviousness that someday our country will be better with time,
that maybe someday you Mr president will change your mind,
about the way our country should be run.

now the question left to ask sir,
is why do you support the way things should be in  the country?
Questions are left unanswered from your people that need the help most,
the poor,
the hungry,
the ones whose homes were promised to them when it was time to vote,
why do you carry on fooling us that everything will be okay if we just vote.
VOTE?!
Voting itself has lost its purpose,
it doesn't even live up to its promise,
you don't even live up to yours.
there is still so much to be done in our third world country,
it isn't to late to start now,
to prevent history from repeating itself.

tell me something dear friend,
awaken me,
my mind with new thinking.
instill within me positive thoughts,
I longed to think about,
but my negative self prevents my mind from being filled with such positiveness.

They wanted so much for her.

To  be clever,
to be intelligent,
to be a millionaire and support them as repayment for looking after her,
after all that's how the "parenting chain" goes right?
they wanted her to grow up and be something of herself and get married.

They hated disappointments

But what did the term mean to them?
what did it mean to her?
to never fall in love with someone outside their expectations?
culture, religion, society,?
who were they to stop her?
who was she to stop them?
after all she was raised by them!


Maybe its because they were once failures.
who longed for their underachieved dreams to reside within her,
so that they could say that they finally did it.
how can life be so selfish,
everyone taking yet no thinking,
about the feeling of their loved one who their draining?

his kiss gives me hope that he still wants to be with me.
it leaves me breathlessly wanting more of him to fill that desire,
need for him all over again.

I love him, I still do. The days have gone by so quick yet I can't eradicate the thoughts of him that linger in my head, reminiscing every smile on his face, look in his eyes, his beautiful smile that made me feel like everything would be okay, his manly smell that one scent that always drew me near to him, those times, those seconds, those hours, that minute that one moment that my mind in oblivion can not feel yet my heart in rapid beating felt in depth, in love for him and me specifically for him, I won't forget no matter how hard it will be I will always love him truly.