You stared back at me
Smiling
No care in the world
So naive of how ugly you'd become
Unaware of how your life would change
In a matter of just a few years

Your free time consumed of
Hospitals
Blades
Hatred
And sorrow
All combined into one pill
That you take every morning

I'm trying you promise
But I know you just want it all to end
You've become accustomed to being unhappy
Your picture of beauty is not what you see in the mirror
All because of things said to you
Drilled into your brain
Like little nails holding your thoughts together

You spend you nights hurting
Yet you can't cry anymore
You've cried enough tears for two lifetimes
But it never seemed like enough

You'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Because at least that means you're still alive

You're heart's still pumping
Lungs still breathing
Feet still taking steps
Closer and closer to the edge of reality
Losing you sanity
And faith in humanity
Your head spinning in circles
Making you feel so dizzy
That you pulled the trigger

Lowered ten feet under
Into the dirt you barely walked on
So young at heart
But your soul aged too fast

I still hear your voice
I still smell your perfume
I hear your laugh across the room
And so I run to it
Only to find
Nothing

Every year that goes by
I forget more and more about you
Trying to grasp your tiny chubby fingers
So that I don't lose myself
The way I lost you

But just like that
I'm in the same place as you
And you know that means
*I'll never be back

I love petrichor ;
The way that seconds after the first few
drops start falling ;
The scent of Ozone fills the air .

I love the smell of fall,
The beauty of trees showing us that you can still shed bits of you that have died... Yet still be beautiful.

I love the sound of my nieces laugh;
The way it steadily always brings me back
to earth durning chaos ,
Reminding me to be joyful.

I love the ocean.
How beautiful is it from the surface ;
Knowing no one will ever see all the beauty
That lurks beneath the depths.

I love seeing peoples faces describing
The person they love.
Their features change , they
Become alive .

I love coffee, and my dog, and my tiny feet, and whiskey, and sportscenter, and lime popsicles. I love sleeping in ,and watching Braveheart .  I love love, and i love living .

What do you love.

Geek, ***, loser
Find the rope to hang
Anxiety attack on deck
Don't nobody feel your pain
Weight of the world on your shoulders
Daddy isn't around
Family falling to pieces
Home run into the ground

Little brother cries after school
Its what the bullies have turned him into
Bright child full of love
Living in a world full of hate
Turned into a scared child now
Growing up ***** when you're his age
Everyday is a struggle trying to be optimistic
Knowing he has to go to a place where the kids are so sadistic

I will forget you.

Well, I can't really,
first loves can't be forgotten,
and my memory is too good for that.

Besides, I will be writing your name
on cheap website security questions
for the rest of my life.
Who was your first kiss?

I can't forget,
but I may curse
The folly of a a gentle, blind, ******, heart,
who fell for a wounded one.

In truth, I'm angry,
at myself, and you,
my heart's dying embers glow red,
I always treated you with tenderness.

I'll clean my wound, let it drain,
let it heal.
But if you want to let yours fester,
there's nothing I can do to stop you.

I Jammed the pain inside, to wait for the defects to reside. Today strays and wanders away until it's stuffed down inside the void of discomfort. Let's roll our imagination onto light able paper, light it, and watch it burn..

See because that's what addiction does. It overrides your body latching on your inner artistry for its fuel. Pretty soon you become a machine, something mindless. Fasten your seatbelt because your on auto-pilot.

Now the transactions of your body really start to inaugurate. Your internals no longer has what it takes to fight, to resist, so now come the alterations.The tips of your fingers go hand in hand with the tip of your tongue. How your saliva's lust for substance dismantles the chemical compounds. Your taste buds loving that all too familiar feeling. Your greed full blood consuming every inch of it. As the destruction slowly trickles down your throat your anxious. Then the finale comes, the moment you've been waiting patiently for  the manipulation and overhaul of your brain and your reality remodeled, your home.

In those seconds pain is never an option, never a thought. Your lost out at sea. But that's all it really is, seconds, minutes, sometimes hours, just a little more time to stick the dysphoria on the back burner. When in truth you've just deepened the scar and exposed it to infections. When it's gone your left with broken thoughts that feel unrepairable.

Addiction doesn't just come from pre-packaged materials, they come from every entity you wish that blocks the truth out. They come from unfulfillment , pain, and soak themselves until you are left with no control. You have to fight, fight for your life. Face the music

That feeling when your heart beats in your throat
Making it hard to breath gasping for air
Random thoughts from everywhere
Can't think of what to say everrythings confusing
Feels like I'm losing it been good not abusing it
Fear being an option I should be next
Make you look good and treated bad
I don't get mad betrayal makes me sad
Disappoint is common but moving on keeps me from being buried alive
Its like fighting to survive near death and revived
Feels like I'm taking on the world made into the bad guy
My intensions were good sometimes I can't and would do so if I could
Don't make me feel like I'm no good been my best and more
If things went accordingly you wouldn't see me anymore