i'm sorry that when you say
i love you
i have to pause
before i can say it back
i need you to know
i am not hesitating
i am not unsure
i am not confused
when you say
i love you
my heart beats
outside of my chest
and i have to pull it in
before i can say
i love you back

the smell of lavender reminds of waiting
the smoke fills the air
violet lights illuminate my room
my lamp flickers
my phone does not ring
the smell of lavender reminds me of waiting
waiting for you

sometimes when i hear your heart beat
it sounds like a siren
and i don’t know whether
i should pull over
or speed away
i am scared of loving too hard
i am scared of not being loved hard enough
i am scared i will never find balance
i’m scared i will always hear a siren
and i will never hear a heart beat

you were there the first time
i saw a shooting star
i remember the moon's glow
your hair, your eyes, your smile
my heart, racing inside my chest
i remember the stones
cold beneath my bare feet
the wind blowing hard
the goosebumps on my arm
i remember not caring at all
i could have been freezing
i'm sure i would not have noticed
i remember smiling so much
my cheeks began to hurt
hearing your heart pound
with my head pressed against your chest
i remember the stars being brighter
than i have ever seen
i remember
darling
how could i forget

i am afraid to love you
i love abundantly and unapologetically
i am afraid to hold you
i might never want to let go
i am afraid to be with you
i know that i can be overwhelming
i am afraid to leave you
i don't know what comes next

when my old best friend
casually says
"******"
while i sit in the front seat of her car
texting my girlfriend
i feel my stomach flip
i sit
in her car
silent
i do not try to correct her
i try to erase the conversation
we had about queer parents
i try to erase our memories
from when we were children
i try not to hate myself
for being hopeful that one day
she could change
i try to remember
that i am not in the wrong
she is
but i can feel the hatred
burning my skin and
cutting me open
i know that if i take too deep of a breath
i will break down
and i don't know
where to go from here
is it wrong for me to hope
one day she will be better
how do i stop
holding on
and on
to the plans we made as children
to stand up at each others weddings
is it wrong of me
to so badly want
to forgive her

when she says
"i wish i could help you"
why do i hear
"i wish i could fix you"