The nights, they are
So long, and
The days so
Cold
My thoughts are a
Jumble, in this mess of
A head, darting
Back and forth, back and forth
Alternating between manic
Happiness and soul crushing
Depression as I sit on the
Bed where I last saw you
Walk away from me, away from me
Wondering why death seems
So tempting an escape and
Love seems so
Terrifying a fate

He sees me in the mirror
sigh and fidget with my hair,
rolls his eyes and laughs at me
" i dont know why you care".

He tells me that my smile
Could bring a grown man to his knees
That in all his years of searching ;
None had eyes like these .

He says he loves my tiny feet
And that im pretty when i cry ;
He says that im a stubburn *****;
But loves the reasons why.

He tells me that my laughter
Sounds like an angels song;
And every time he hears it
He wants to sing along .

"Stop fussin in the mirror,
I'll remind you every day ,
your perfectly imperfect
and that's how you should stay. "

I feel* very hopeless,
Completely worthless.

I feel the strength oozing out of me,
Pooling up on my bathroom floor- staring up mockingly.

I feel the vibrations of your voice, loud and clear,
They always know where to hit me, just like a spear.

I feel as if I do not belong anywhere I go,
I'm a laughing stock and guess who's the main attraction at this wicked show?

I feel my "loved ones" quickly drifting apart,
I was your rock but reality has crushed me down with a mighty start.

I feel the non believing eyes boring down,
None of you care as deeply as you claim, you'd rather I swallow my misery and hurriedly drown.

I feel you changing your mind about me,
I'm not the person you cleverly made me want to be.

I feel the stomps of your feet though I am thousands of miles far,
You make yourself believe you provided the necessary with a house and a car.

I feel the love I have for you slowly disintegrating,
It's funny how it's your world that is now changing.

I feel myself going crazy, completely insane,
and you're the only one who can carry that blame.

I feel** the way this is going to end,
So let me get the blade, my old friend.

Don't call it silver
It is so utterly grey
Your banner waving
To humdrum anthems
Of countries upset
By the way you say
Patriotism
Loyalty
Words that are never
To be written in grey
Whose fibers cannot
Be found in your atrophy
You will die quietly
Not as a martyr dies
Never as red as the
Blood-stained uniforms
That blanket so many hills
There are none that you would die on
It is a shame you share
The color of stone
One might mistakenly
Paint you trustworthy

Love is universal migraine,
A bright stain on the vision
Blotting out reason.

Symptoms of true love
Are leanness, jealousy,
Laggard dawns;

Are omens and nightmares -
Listening for a knock,
Waiting for a sign:

For a touch of her fingers
In a darkened room,
For a searching look.

Take courage, lover!
Could you endure such pain
At any hand but hers?

Souls wandering, Midnight Mass
Rescued hearts, craving less distress
Willing participants, for Gods graces
Sinner or saint, all worth measured
Through the extent to which they
Carry this life
Dreamers & wishers, take a backseat
The strugglers making confessions
Their first feeble steps, starts at one
Plea forgiveness from those
They hurt or betrayed, when they took
This path, to not be with another
Or at one with the life around them
Never in life, will we know another
Truly know all of them, exposed
Even secrets kept safe, between lovers
Parted kisses & naked skin
Flesh on flesh keep them together
How could she know it would
Ever come to this
Walking out the door for his next score
He swore he was done
Baby tears crying into his mummies
Eyes, promises made, broken only
Hours later, leaving mother & child
Losing his family, she remained his last
Hope, those wandering souls
Lost in Midnight Mass
A fall from grace, cupids arrow
Wrapped with a bow
Then later the bundle from heaven
That kept daddy in those meetings
Counting the steps, bronze chip
Sobriety for a year, lost the day the
Door banged behind him
Denial his confidant, only friend
Left behind a mummy cried
Holding their only son
Crack *******, **** or smack
Choose your sin, lose a life
She knew
He knew
This baby was all that was left
With no sign
Or clue.

© Sia Jane