Would you think me insane
If I were to tell you that you have set me free
That knowing you has taught me
About who I am meant to be?

Something I thought long since dead
Deep inside myself
Was awakened when you looked at me
Like there was no one else

A renewed sense of who I am
Invigorates the soul
I now believe in fairy tales
And love I do extol

It is not a passing breeze of caring
More like a hurricane-force wind
That knocks you over and lifts you up
Like you're flying from within

Two hearts connected silently
Across a million miles
Melancholy fades away
With just the memory of a smile

How can it be that circumstance
Deals such a cruel, cruel hand
To temper fated torture
Almost too much to withstand

For in a love so consuming
That it is laden in every breath
Forced to live so separately
Is a torment worse than death

For at least in death can be found Heaven
Or if we're guilty, can be found Hell
But even hell, if I am with you,
Can be called Heaven very well

Heart stuck in gray dawn. Subtle remembrances, consume. Longing for more. Lingering for, "used to be".  Vulnerability in pain gambled for strength in love.  Held in place by promises.

Spoken words deny
Actions scream in love and pain
Hearts splinter and crack

Time cannot heal what was not meant to be broken. Change is slow coming.  Dreams of warmth take hold, trying to leach into reality so abruptly ripped apart.  Something once so perfect, so beautiful in its purity, in its simplicity. Forever tainted by selfless gestures turned selfish motives.

Promises broken
Dreams relive yesterday's bliss
Stopping tomorrow

What's good for one, not enough to sustain.  Love enough to last, pushed under, forgotten. Lost to fear. Submerged in darkness.  Yet, there lies the sun.  Warm and alive.  More than a seed, a field of flowers ready to bloom.  Still, flowers of love do not bloom in tears of despair.

**You are the warm sun
Watered by my salty tears
Flowers turned to hay

All the years gone by
Numbness fills the heart like smog
Slowly creeping in
Filling the space between smiles
Choking out the joy
Smothering love with each beat
Hoping for a change
Fighting to save what once was
One side fights alone
The other watches the smog
Numb down to the core
Is one to fight for the past
Or is there nothing to save?

Instant gratification.  Instant disappointment.  Dreams of yesterday and a blind tomorrow. Talk of closing doors and opened windows does not quell fear.  The unknown is too familiar.  Teetering on the precipice of what was and what will be.  The path is unlit.  In darkness all is equal.  There is no direction.  There is no certainty but that any motion will let gravity take hold.  Falling, falling, falling.  Blindfolded by emotion, a lightless tunnel.  Hoping only to land on the side facing forward.  

Thrown into change
Dragged into tomorrow
Clawing the past

Status quo has been erased.  Eradicated by others.  There is no escaping pain, there is no eluding fear.  Time stood still for ages and the clock has begun to tick in time with the very heartbeat of life.  There is more, more to be desired, more that is deserved, more life to live, more joy to find.  How bad is the hunger?  How strong the need? Driven by hope or fear, or both but driven.  Driven to a new sense of self.  A renewed confidence found only through the art of release.

**Tides will ebb and flow
Sun rises in the morning
Change is imminent

Eyes closed and frozen time
A place so warm and free
The pain of today erased
Future ceases to exist
There is only that moment
Behind closed eyes

As close 2u as close can be
w/o a thought of u and me
unspoken it was always "we"
now it's just what used to be

the world sees me how they want me to be
not how I truly am
I've shown you the same as all the rest
yet you see through the facade
you see a soul that I've kept hidden
a heart that's behind bars
the spirit forever broken
and to you, I am beautiful

I am what you need to make you smile
I believe in the best parts of you
like you believe in the best parts of me
to you I am not lost
the storms I have a weathered
have not broken me
even though I still seem cracked
in my reflection

If it was me
I wouldn't stand in your way
I wouldn't hinder your happiness
I couldn't disrupt your life just because I love you
If it was me
I would let you be
I would walk away
and hope you reconnect with your family
If it was me
I'd cry myself to sleep
I'd wake to dreams of what could be
I'd stay busy enough to be numb
I'd pray that it would get easier without you
If it was me
I'd cherish every memory
I'd want nothing more than to be with you
And still I would go
If it was me
I would tell you how much I love you
I would make sure you knew you are wanted
I would show you you are loved
I would cherish our bonded friendship
And hold onto it with all I am
If it was me

But it's not me, it's you
And I wish you would love me as I love you
I wish you were less noble
Yet I would never change you
I would want you to tell me you love me anyway
I would want to know the truth
I would want to know everything
For how am I to find happiness, wherever it may be
If I am left to hope and wonder
If I guess on where you stand
If I'm in love, alone
How am I supposed to know what you won't tell me
So, I cry myself to sleep and dream only of you
I fight against reality and pretend I'm not in love with you
In my heart I'd swear you love me
Though I can't possibly let myself believe it
So I wonder why I'm not good enough
I wonder if you still think of me
I wonder why it is so easy for you to walk away from me
I wonder why you don't hold on to what you can with everything you are.
I wonder why it's so easy to push me away

Still, if it was me.......

Changing tides
Warm breezes
Swaying trees
And a smile

Heart shaped boxes with red satin ribbons
Pink stuffed atrocities that have no use
Sappy lovesick greeting cards
Flowers that always die

Cheap chocolate massed produced
Three months of brainwashing prior
Chalky hearts profess true love
The lonely always cry

Made up days of forced romance
Bullied into mass compliance
Pressured into jewelry sales
Empty grand gestures prevail

Today is a day for puppy love
An excuse to eat by candlelight
Public affection is cool tonight
As we've appeased the Gods of retail

A day like any other day
Rising and setting moon and sun
Though nothing has changed
The heart races still

Though the chocolates are cheesy and stale
And flowers will die tomorrow
Though the world bullied the romance
I've been taken against my will

To the land of cotton candy dreams
For a few heartfelt words on paper
A card that speaks your love
And the truth that is in your eyes

Nervously, the gifts accepted
I am almost at a loss
Tears begin to well a little
And I pray the words don't lie

May I stay in this land of make-believe
Where it feels like a fairytale
Make tonight's dream, forever's reality
Wishes on wishing stars come true

Sarcastically with cynicism
And a dry wit that defines my nature
Hidden deep within the core
Of things I said I would never do

I will savor every chocolate
As if it is your warm lips on my own
And every word and cheesy line
Is the most beautiful I ever read

For you have chosen it just for me
Filled with all you cannot say
So I cherish my pink and heart-filled card
Because it is to me the words are said

From me, there is no cheesy gift
No candy covered sweets tonight
Nothing retail overblown
Just a small white box with a  hand tied bow

A poem in my own hand
As I give my heart on patterned paper
So simple, but it's everything.
Please don't ever let me go

Really, it's just that easy
Easy to forget all the happiness and joy
The truth of what we are
The  very thoughts we shared

Really, it's just that easy
Not a glance or a call
Never to notice what has been broken
Leaving all the promise alone

Really, it's just that easy
Ignoring what never will be
Erasing a friend by denying the truth
Moving on by stepping over

Really, it's just that easy?
Pinned in place by the idea of you
Consumed by what will never be
Drowning in what was

Really, it's just that easy?

I hear the words and feel inflection
I reach to you, yet fear rejection
Your eyes can't lie they show what's real
Your words don't say the love you feel

I don't doubt that your heart bleeds true
Though you're lost between what's right for you
Too much distance, too much time
Too scared to wait, we crossed the line

Too eagerly we skipped ahead
Now, on cracked remains we tread
We hit fast-forward with no rewind
We can't break free from our own kind

So we long and yearn and suffer long
In silence we don't feel it's wrong
Hearts have merged despite the rest
Still we pull away on friendships quest

To love without loving,  and live our lives
Separately we feel the knives
The ones that cut our hearts in pieces
For every moment it never ceases

We talk without speaking and look the part
We live, hearts not beating, like living art
We cry in the darkness alone and distraught
In denial we awaken alone with our thoughts

Nights stretch into months of dark gray
Even though we talk every day
It's empty and lacking, yet we hold on
Pretending the love we share is gone

It was taken without asking
Held without contempt
Moved by emotion
Stolen by a lover

It was abused in disguise
Bound tightly by fear
Rejected, unforgiven
Damaged by another

It was reclaimed at long last
Caged for its own safety
Clipped so it couldn't soar
Numbed by the experience

It was afraid to be free
Blindfolded by life
Relegated to dull existence
Content in acquiescence

It grew colder over time
Ignored and soon forgotten
Shriveled up and hard
Unnoticed and discarded

It was stumbled upon by grace
Warmed slowly by another
Held fast in times of trouble
Trying hard to be less guarded

Behind closed doors they sleep
While in the night the tears are streaming
They dream of dragons and kings
Silently the shadows are creeping

Closer and closer they come
Grabbing hold of all that is good
Squeezing until the bleeding stops
Too numb for the pain to feel as it should

Never wanting to let go
Drained of all the things hope brings
Sharing dreams of yesterday
Lost in the night as the Cricket sings

A thought awakens
Blood rushes, heart pounds, timeless
Dried salt tracks remain
Warm breath rememberances
Held fast by yesterday's dream

The feel of your skin envelopes me the second I close my eyes
Your lips, the very taste of you, your hand against my thigh
Racing hearts and shallow breaths of passion not denied
Dreams are filled with memories and hopes of future ties
The now has changed the status quo, I'm living in disguise
Body and mind and heart unite yet living different lives
In the throws of restlessness I awake to subtle cries
My heart, it weeps for longing, for a need I can't describe
So full of joy between us, there is more than love implied
Drawn to you completely, yet left to wonder why
Choices made against a future that seems eternally unwise
Yet painful yearning pushes to a life that we must try
An aftermath of broken hearts and tears that never dry
Still, we're drawn to one another beyond what we realize
How are we to live apart in lives where the sun won't rise
Where everything we say and do will feel like it's a lie
All the love that we could share has come as a surprise
We can't seem to hide our hearts with what our words belie

Across the room a subtle glance
Victims of bad circumstance
Hoping you would take the chance
Yet, nothing changes
The makings of a great romance
But time estranges

There you are just out of reach
In my mind there is a speech
Of how your heart I will beseech
I still, can feel you
The words you say I will impeach
I know the real you

The one whose kindness from the start
Has torn my faded world apart
And shown the truth to half a heart
There's so much out there
Happiness you do impart
With how much you Do care

Still it's like just yesterday
So close and yet so far away
I need you in my arms, to stay
That's my suggestion
I want you each and every day
There is no question

So sunshine mornings I have seen
Because there is no in between
The love we feel has always been
Our worst disaster
If only kisses dared to mean
Forever after

An idea
Formed from nothing
Grips the mind
Squeezing
Until reality is unrecognizable
Pain seeps in
Through self-inflicted wounds
Perception
Once sunny
Now in shadows
Fighting hard to see the light
To step into it, again
To see through it like before
The mind leads down twisted paths
To find its way back to the beginning
A new light
Yet, shadows linger in hidden corners
Tainted yet free
Thought, imagination, and fear
The worlds most powerful words

A life lived in black and white.  No time for middle of the road.  Lines drawn straight and narrow.  Passion, only with rules.  Love, only as stated.  A heart filled with admiration, adoration, and caring.  Nothing missing from the list of "supposed to".  All boxes checked off. I's dotted and T's crossed.  Perfect on paper, perfect to onlookers, perfect in bed.  Never a thought of something missing.  All boxes checked.  Not able to settle into a life.  Unable to blur the lines.  Must be good, always good.  Mistakes happen, but not on purpose.  Not by choice.  

Always the good one
Right is the only option
Mistakes...still happen

Before we fully become, life is full of confusion.  Who we are and what we do are enmeshed within our surroundings, our perspective, our emotion, and our lives.  Pulled together, yet fighting every step of the way.  Beyond our understanding of purpose or passion.  Afraid of everything we are as yet unable to understand.  Trying to get through to the next phase without falling too hard.

Peers skew vision
Rules confine the innocent
Love hides unnoticed

Grown into a life of checks and balances.  A nice life, a good life.  Loved by many, yet alone.  Always alone.  Able to love, willing to love, believing love is what is being lived.  Unseen circumstances. Friendships remembered.  Longing, pulling toward one another.  More than passion could ever be.  More than who we thought we were.  The need to be right, to do the right thing, is stomped unrecognizable by emotion.  The past melts into the future.  Is a life unfulfilled, yet loving, enough to maintain, or is love supposed to be so full of passion that it takes you outside the box?  

The thought of a life
A love left unrealized
A world in a cage

A chance to live in happiness. Fires burn in body and mind.  No sorrow, no regret.  Pushed by one into another.  Two hearts alone run to each other.  Holding fast to all that is real.  Yet casualties will line the road forever tainting all that could be good.  Checks and balances. Pros and cons.  Does one give up happiness to maintain the perfect facade, the perfect family, the "perfect" life?  There is no perfect.  There is only what is.  The possibility of happiness could be short lived.  Hearts broken and bridges burned.  Broken families, broken lives.  Happiness could be tangible.  Happiness could be real.  Pros and cons.  What price shall be paid.  When should love lose and happiness not be a goal?  Choices, pain, there is no fairness.  There is no black and white, there are no boxes in which to fit.  

Straight and narrow life
Checklists, I's dotted, T's crossed
Thwarted by passion

The thought alone ignites the flame
That consumes me from within
Reality just fuels the fire
Composure is wearing thin

Behind the eyes lies fantasy
A dream so far away
Yet in the now, is everything
There is nothing left to say

Temperatures keep rising
Bodies stir with every glance
Passion is taking over
Led to burn by sweet romance

A brush across the skin
Reacting bodies hold no fear
Devouring piece by piece
Consuming what is held so dear

Heightened senses in the throws
As fantasy is laid to rest
When hearts are bound in love
There is nothing to contest

When I said that I'd be bad company
I meant that only you could brighten my day
The sound of your voice is my sunshine

When I offered for you to let me be
I meant that I would never force you to tolerate me
But hoped that you would want me by your side anyway

When I pushed you aside, however delicately
I meant for you to not want to go
For you to just sit with me for awhile

When I said I wasn't in the mood to talk
I meant for you to sit with me
In comfortable silence until you kissed me happy

When I sent you a message warning of my grumpy
I meant for you to call me
And make sure I was alright

When I said that I couldn't
I meant for you to show me that you believed in me
To help me believe in myself

When I set you free
I meant for you to not want to leave
For you to stay with me always

Separately we live
Together under one roof
Bound by a shared past

How can I be honest
When it is too much to bear
When all I can do is pretend

Please don't ask me how I feel
I can't say the words
It's almost too hard to comprehend

We were only kids
When that look in your eye
Sent me whirling for reasons unknown

Agitated by your smile
Or your bothersome ways
I wouldn't understand until I was grown

Now that I know
What I should have known
About that blonde haired angel-faced kid

I think back
To the hell in your eye
And I know what I guess I always did

So here we are
The two of us older
No longer hiding what our bodies betray

Yet there is no freedom
No joyous reunion
Only fear that my heart's already strayed

How can I be honest
When it is too much to bear
When all I can do is pretend

Please don't ask me how I feel
I can't say the words
It's almost too hard to comprehend

I could stay up for hours
Just for the chance to hear your voice
To listen to you whisper my name in the dark

I would wait all night
Just in the hope of feeling your breath
As you slide in next to me and sleep

I have longed a lifetime
Not realizing the opportunities lost
To the doubt and circumstance of innocence

I will wander time as you rest
To never miss another chance
To be in your arms, in the moment, and in your heart

It lifts my spirits, even when they aren't down
It resonates with all things happy
Makes me tremble to the core
The expectation of its warmth
Comes as waves of unforeseen joy
When the ride ends it is always bittersweet
Until tomorrow
Until next time
When that time draws near
I wait with bated breath
In hopeful anticipation, I linger
Almost as an afterthought in throaty air
Like distant thunder in a cloudless sky
With a deep rumble and a Southern drawl
Sweet dreams always follow

When I slice my chest open
Spill my heart and soul
Divulge the same at my own inadequacy
I never said it was your fault
On the contrary, it is my own
When I asked for time to think
To breathe away from responsibility
You asked me how you were supposed to make that happen
When I stopped talking and you didn't even notice
You said I had no right to assume you weren't listening
You yelled that I was against you
That I blow things out of proportion
I tell you again how hard it was to tell you my fears
and  admit my shortcomings
You tell me that I like to be mad
But I'm not mad, I'm hurt
I told you that, when I had stopped talking
You were too busy scrutinizing your foot to notice
That showed me just how important I am
None of it was about you
None was about how you make me feel
You don't get to play the victim in my pain
You don't get to break me and say I threw you away
You gave me away slowly, willingly
You pushed me out
You have no rights left
And you don't get to hurt me anymore

Everything for everyone
Nothing left for me
I speak to walls
My voice makes zombies
My life, unrecognizable
Broken by family
My love has twisted all my hopes and dreams
A cracked shell of shards
Remnants of what happy was
Before I realized I was happy
Used up, worn out, and discarded
There is only so much trying
There are only so many tears
My pain is not yours to take
My crazy is no one else's burden
Open and empty carcass
Picked clean by harsh words
Not even my pain is my own
Claimed by others to fuel their anger
Their growing hatred
All I did was love
Now I'm lost eternally
Alone surrounded by people
No trust, not for my broken innards
No comfort, no solace
I am chewed up and shat out
Invisible and inconsequential
I am alone in a house full of people
Where only I say "I love you"
Where only I need more
I need purpose
I need to be free to feel what I feel
Now, with that freedom removed permanently,
How can the status quo remain
I, once filled with love, am empty
Eyes dulled
Mind devoid of substance
Heart as cold as a glacier
A shell, numb to the outside
Motions without thought
Time drudges on
Drained of everything
My last breath, too, goes unnoticed

One foot steeped in reality
the other testing the waters on the other side
The side where fantasy comes alive
And there is truth in dreams
A world of possibility that tempts and taunts
where dreams, once thought dead,
are resurrected in full force
The power of perhaps shades all views
It beckons to follow as it flutters beside
Reflecting all the things ever wanted
the shackles of reality feel like a lead weight
tethering you to who you never wanted to be
Responsibility removes true choice
Yet dreams yearn for release
Opportunity bangs the door down
and shakes the shackles free
Left between shadow and light
Lost between the good of both sides
split in two by desire and need
time stands still in purgatory

Warm arms around me
As we lay in sighs of silent pleasure
Tucked into the safety of each other
Lost in the rhythm of our hearts
Basking as desire is laid to rest, momentarily
Deep breaths subside as our bodies settle
Curve against curve we remain
Bodies sated, hearts filled, and dreams turned to reality

A heart that reaches out through the years
One that regrasps what it never truly let go
Thoughts ignite to fuse the past to the present
Melded emotions in a blended reality
Emotion so heightened that time is lost
United through lost years by the memory of what never was
Separated now only by what was lived apart
Betrayed by passion, hindered by commitment
And enveloped in the dream of the possibility that lingers

is it the dream or the possibility
the want or the need
the pull within is ripping
at the fabric of my being
who I am and how I am made
are too quickly blowing away
the goal of the long term
is changing now, today
the past begets the future
that is on the verge of change
and dreams that lay awake
can cause your plans to rearrange

Guts ripped to the surface
Heart in knots, unrecognizable
All the while a smile remains
Thoughts of nothing burn in speed
Status quo has faltered
Bleeding from the outside in
Still hoping, always hoping
A scar is just a reminder of pain
It's the gaping wounds that make you suffer

Endless insomnia
Rest ran off by a fantasy
Fast-footed memories cannot be reigned in
What is done cannot be undone
What you want is what you need
Visceral reaction to the very idea
Thoughts will not settle
There is no calm ocean
Only the tempestuous remains
Caught on the top of the slide
Too high to see the bottom
Too scared to take the plunge
Too happy to have made it that far
Left to hang in midair
The ride is to be continued
But the fall remains ...tonight

This fool believed the words once spoken
The dancing heart tells lies
Floating on the wind for an hour or a day
Worries blown away in a sigh
Thoughts of maybe tickle the past alive
Awakened memories, revived

Gray days and blowing wind
On sad and naked limbs
The bitter cold imagined through the panes
Nestled in warmth and wrapped in a blanket
I am loved,
Dressed up and beautiful
The smiles that gaze upon me
In awe and wonder
Are well worth the journey's end

Gramma always had cookies in her cookie jar
No one ever ate them but me
The jar was her self-portrait
The silvery bun was it's lid
The slight clanging of it as it opened or closed
The smell of it
Even the thought of it,
filled me with joyous anticipation
of its internal goodness
When I was sad, or did a good job
When I worked hard, or was a good helper
When I was sick, or had a rough day
But particularly when I was in trouble
That is when it was most special
She would sneak me off to the kitchen
With a steady hand, like that of a surgeon
She would lift that lid slow and steady without a sound
A feat I have yet to accomplish
Then, in silent winks and sideways glances
When the coast was clear
I got to choose a decidedly undeserved treat
It was in the belly of that cookie jar
That I learned that she would always love me
No matter what

That cookie jar, abandoned and dusty upon a shelf
Recently found and cleaned
Laid in wait upon the table
It had been weeks sitting silent before my visit
I noticed it the moment Ma opened the door
Before the hugs, "hello"
We reminisced about that old empty jar
The jar that never matched her kitchen
The one that was poorly painted by hand
To her its beauty was hideous
She obviously did not know the secrets it held
Our secrets, mine and Gramma's
Happy to be rid of it,
The torch has been passed
As it takes its place of honor in the center of the counter
I notice that its yellow dress and red apron
Match my yellow walls and the red flecks in my curtains
It is at home in my kitchen
Even if my kitchen was purple
Now, its lessons of unconditional, eternal love
Are to be bestowed, unknowingly to my children
They will learn just how much a cookie can fix
And the secrets that are kept deep within
The belly of the cookie jar

I will sing for you a love song with words that ring so true
And I will forge the perfect melody to make the love shine through
There'll be thanks for all you've done for me & thanks for all you do
And I will give to you my heart in words that I will sing to you

And I'll be there, when you need a friend
And I'll be there, when you need a shoulder
I'll be there when the weight of the world
Seems less a chip and more a boulder

I'll sing to you of roses and fields of wildflowers
I'll tell you how the sound of your voice can make me smile for hours
I'll sing happy of the day you saved me from that tower
With declarations of how our love is never going to sour

And I'll be there, when you need a friend
And I'll be there, when you need a shoulder
I'll be there when the weight of the world
Seems less a chip and more a boulder

I'll be there

Destroyer of dreams
Leave my side so hope remains
Move on to the next
Oblivious in their bliss
Perhaps they shant see dreams die

Last minute rendezvous
No time to plan
Letting time unfold
Embracing each moment
Living in the now
No thoughts of tomorrow
Happiness in the everyday