if
  I
  don’t
   care
    about
     the
      sky

It’s been over
a while darling
but I still
can’t force
my dreams to
                          stop
making me cry
in the morning
and question...
        (once again)
...question everything

A little wooden doll springs
to life each night in my dream
in a wooden box hung
over firing hearth

Soon it’s gonna be over
and I would help but my
skin is glued to the chair
ripping it with flesh if I move

I’m crying and bleeding
from somewhere of my chest
where the tears are poison
coming to the hole in my heart

Eternity later helpless knocking stops
and life is taken by flame
that rises and slowly
fills the lightless room

It’s strange though for I’m
certain I see everything burning
but the world
just feels so cold**...

Eternity cried
(Falling leaves are angels
From the skies dead
Old as all the spring and
Summer days)
This love is not to be
(Nor is the other one
Even when it's beginning
Sickness dwells in her soul
Doomed and ******)
Happiness isn't coming
(Just as God never existed
And still never was absent
In the heart of land
Raising poor souls)
You gave me pain
(Making me to live
In the past
the cold bed so shallow
Shorter of your shadow)
You offered a choice
(You asked the deaf to sing
A song of love
And told him to
To do it in silence)
You remain with him
(And as our love is ashes
He may give you
A new hope
The Smallest of sparks)
Hold him as once you hold me
(And keep the fire on babe
Without your feelings
Of anger, betrayal and injustice
Don't keep your love scared)
Say farewell
(Like thousand times before
You and I said hello
But this is different
Our last goodbye)
We don't talk anymore
(Walking the earth
Feeling the presence [the love] of
Each other without seeing
Both of us rooting in time)
And maybe we are free
(Maybe still not able
To rattle to unlock the chains
We have on each other
Praying for love to die)
Please don't follow me
(For I could lift you
And take everywhere in my arms
For I could kiss you
And leave the pain behind)

I’ve been washed up upon foreign shore
hollowed by the sea wave to the core.
My body had gone, my mind had died,
Only my love survived.

Caught in a whirlpool in mercy of the tide
I was so hungry I had to swallow my pride.
And when everything was denied,
Still, my love survived.

When no longer haunted by images of you,
No longer green, no longer blue,
No tear left for the eye to cry,
Only my love will survive.

And this is my redemption song
With no one to sing along.
When we’ve dealt with all the lies
Only my love survives.

With memories and all the senses gone
I wait for the final and eternal dawn.
Fights, sadness, hopelessness, it all dies,
Only my love survives.

And if you look for me again,
You will find me without any pain.
And you'll find (if you just tried)
That only my love survived.

I'm strong and faithful like a flame
(But you keep that part
And I only wear my other half)
Won’t you just leave me be darling
Won’t you just walk away from my dreams
or stop being in my head more
than (and always stronger)
a though of suicide?
You say you hate me and this place
(like I could do something with
the dead silence around you)
more than sleeping on
thousand deadly snakes
(as if your world now was
just a walk in a park)
Once you told me you want to be happy
and yet (falling like the first
drops of starting rain)
when I offered you happiness
you said you loved the pain
what was I supposed to do
(being only a blind man
begging for love)
than to leave you
and never coming back again?

Once in the summer
when the moon ruled
over the lands of men
with her silver law

you said
love is a perfection
so I hid my pain
deep inside where
it was impossible to see
but it remained with me
each time I smiled
it tore my castles down
each time I cried
it hungrily drunk the tears

you said
love is the end
so I fell silent wandering
in the stars for answer
yet when I looked
into your eyes there
was no end in them
nor the beginning
and the spark you had
was no longer to be

you said
love is the absolute
So I stopped believing
in you for I knew
you lied (even to yourself)
then the pain came to
surface and you saw
my struggle by own eyes
took the brightest of stars
and tangling it in my hair

you said love is us

Lifeless
lifeless are those mountains
and meadows beneath the horizon
Lifeless is the time and yet
forever speeds into the void
I and not I for my body is to be gone
and mind always elsewhere
present in the past but never
with us straying among the stars
Lifeless is the happiness we feel
suffering just a mere illusion of the soul
(what’s the point in laughing into the sun
and crying on the moon? )
Lifeless
lifeless is the darkness and so is the light
feelings wandering all around
to hit us and tear us apart
Lifeless you are
Lifeless I am
I and not I
only the world only the void
and love that sparks all fires
Lifeless is all

Why don’t you just **** me with those big dreams of yours,
why don’t you just put an end to the suffering of my fading soul?
And yet you’re still here, smiling with a lover’s smile,
wanting more and more ‘till you got just enough to survive the next day.
Forever in my head you dwell and sing the poisoned song of love
hoping that maybe someday, slowly I’ll marry you
and there and then I’ll change into the circus lion
great and majestic, yet powerless and weak
but most of all alone in darkness
with the relics of my soul dying like neon lights in the night
Being with you was trying to breathe by suffocating myself,
yet the short time with you was as bright as sun
and I adored you ‘till I died.

i am who i am
and who i was i don’t remember.
i’ve forgotten much of life.
and you
the first clear day after years of sickness
first fresh air that healed my lungs
you are my connection to the world
through your heart my heart finds a way
soul finds soul as i know only you
and myself i know only through you.
happiness is with us and also the pain
life is playing itself mercilessly before us
we laugh in the sun as we do in the rain.
so let me hold your hand
and walk you into the flowerbeds.
there may be some thorns
but if we’re careful
only by a little blooded ire
the flowers will be stained
but by great great affection
their roots and sprouts will be filled.

Turn on the night
for I can hear it coming
through the day
always the lights
keep on deceiving us

Turn on the night
and let there be light
only in your eyes
let all else in the universe
sink in the dark

Turn on the night
and lie on the bed
a little flame under
a spoon full of black
boiling sweet death

Turn on the night
and let the needle
find its way to your
vein, blood, brain
godless heart

Turn on the night
forever in timeless
seconds of the past
let your eyes of the universe
be dyed in the dark

do what you want to do
why
a white lie
click
tie around neck
bring madness to the world
help
bring love to our hearts

before the first man
came to the woods
for a long time there
was only endless bipolarity
with summers and winters
like two interchangeable twins.
the snows on the top of the hills
were flushed down by april suns.
there was only a hint
yet no notion of change.
no sound of a sparrow’s chant
or of coming tides.
wind travelled alone across the land.
I think some years later from now
after we split apart
he’ll have a hard time
getting accustomed to loneliness
again. but he will possess the second
eternity to forget men.

Late night
Smoke’s rising from ***** ashtray
which you gave me once

I can’t sleep
Can’t bring myself to put away teddy bear
symbol of your love

It’s dark outside
You’re in another city with another man
Photo on my desk is here to remind

I’ve been with another women
cheated more than once
hurt you almost dozen times

You’re with someone who never
means to bring you harm
Clean, loving and faithful

First, I wanted this poem
to show you that love is always enough
but now I’m not sure

For I know what I’ve done
I know how unforgivable it is
and yet you still love me

Too late have I woken up
too long I’ve been ruining your life
too much you’ve suffered

I don’t dare to say I love you anymore
my heart is torn to pieces
my head aches, life wants to go

I know what I need to do
what is right for you
and lethal for me

But it’s so hard to write or say
or even think, so please
bear with me, bear with me

No words can tell how much
I’m sorry or how much
I want everything to be right

I’d do anything to chain you to me
anything to win your love
but that's not the problem, right?

The past has hunt you
the past has hunt me
the past has ruined our future

The past is me and my wicked deeds
forever written in you
and to rewrite them love’s not enough

I can’t ask you to give me another chance
I didn’t deserve a single one before
I don't deserve you

I must set you free of my being
I must leave and let you forget
for my crimes love’s not enough

Please don’t think I don’t love you
for it would be the biggest lie
I think about you all the time

I have no future without you
But darling I must let you go
you deserve happiness more than love

And to think that he gives you both
makes me want to **** myself
O, how much I was wrong

I have nothing to say to my defense
I can’t change what was done
But I love you with all my heart

Now I see what I need to do
now I’d do anything you want me to
Now I know you were the one

But for the past unchanging
for the pain I caused there is no cure
when love’s not enough

So please go now and never turn back
for you may oversee me dead or dying
and I don’t want you to think it’s because of you

Or please stay with me
and you’ll never hurt again
for I am changed

I know it came too late
hurt too much
and you’re afraid of the past

But I know I love you
and I know I need you
I know I could make much more than love

I could make you smile
I could make you happy
I could make love true again

I doesn’t matter if you love somebody else
or that you date some other guy
for I’ll always be yours

So now go or stay
but please don’t forget
that I hurt you but I also loved

Everything you did
and I will always remember
the children we planned to have

I love you, I love you, I love you
I love you, I love you, I love you
But then again, it’s not enough

Late night
you left, ashtray is broken into pieces
everything burns, everything’s lifeless
everything’s ash

Love is like a ******
Weakness for somebody
Love is the biggest drug
You cannot stop
You don’t see yourself as a wreck
Just give me that dope
Which keeps me alive
Forever
Even after all the years
you’d rather die than reconcile
that there won’t be another dose
that there won’t be another moment with her

Were we blind then
Or are we now ?

Like a cigarette smoke
Love disappeared from her lips
Bitter sun shone upon the tips of trees
He knew all was lost
Upon the lilac petals
Of yellow reality
She won’t return

So this is over
you’re out of my life

A paradox indeed

for if you were my world
I wouldn't be alive

I met a butterfly
On my way to Jötunheim
With a hammer in my heart

I met a butterfly
With luminous wings
That stopped for a while
As in the deepest time of night
When even birds are quiet
While whisper lets out a lie

It descended upon my horse’s ear
Blue and green on chestnut hair
Our pace was unrelenting
And also weary from the err
Souls heavily pushing
this meaty cart
I met a butterfly
On my way to Jötunheim
With a hammer in my heart

What is to think of this life
Caught between the night and day
When even seer sees only partly and
Many times different as same
A Hero famous for a thousand years
Or a beggar without a name
From our souls blooms
Like a flower a poisonous dart
I met a butterfly
On my way to Jötunheim
With a hammer in my heart

And yet I think that in a way
‘Tis more real than these hands
That clutch the oars

The moment ended
And the wings spread to depart
To continue in their blind
Pursuit to cheat the death
This delicate unlearnable art
I met a butterfly
On my way to Jötunheim
With a hammer in my heart

I walked the street
for a dose of black rocks
('cause there was nothing else
but the moon and sun)
and I froze seeing you
in front of me smiling like rose
I hugged you and kissed you
cried and joyed
But it was only me dreaming
On the floor
dying
overdosed

Choice and compassion-
Just those two sum up a man.
And evil originates only
From a desire
To be loved.

And what did you get
O, you famous poets of eternity
What did you get
From all the words
That were scribbled
In the darkness
Which flame couldn’t reach
Or under the lamp
While outside
The world snowed
And was being bombed
*****, murdered
And built again
By the few hands of the faithful

Did the world ever
Repay your kind observations
Did it even notice
Your steps in the snow
The mud and the dirt
That you held in your hands
While offering but a single word

Slowly despair settled
On the knuckles
Of your hands
Vowed itself into the bright hair
Turning it white and soon
To nonexistence

Yet the word remained
Growing through the hearts
Once it got settled in

And when the time
Played out to be the destroyer
It offered a silent prayer

In your eyes is everything
A man could ever know
How it feels to love and be loved
How it feels to be alone

And you restlessly wrote on
Of the pains and of beauty
Of one and all
And though burned
Your life shone for all
To offer hope

those who

say that love

fades never

have known her

Long has the wait been
And patiently I have waited.
Underneath the days a silent parody;
A thought of a thought of a man
To whom nothing ever happens.
Imprudent seasons gently rolling by.
Always growing, always falling is the willow´s leaf.
Hazy steps in the freshly fallen snow
Are trying to rook one to the endless empty sleep.

The hour is now rich for the reaping
Of the Inherited legacy of stillness.
And time, always time,
Yet ahead still walking or limping
Gives a deeper meaning for a while,
The eyes to see a lover´s smile,
And then slowly with the sardonic immunity
Sacrifices everything you have ever loved
To the single eternity.

I was with you that autumn day
when a performing mime accidentally
laughed loudly on a whim
and the disgruntled crowd threw him
and his little french hat overboard
into the silent river.

As he landed and was swallowed
by the hungry cold hands of disinterest
a flock of birds flew up into the darkening sky
bewildered by the ridiculous voices
wishing him to drown with his muddy painted face
and be taken to the black sea.

The night had just begun but people
had already decided on their heavenly fate
soon forgetting the poor wretched mime rising
from the bank; the river being within him as a great
past god inflaming his anger franticly over sorrow
denying him thus the privilege of peace.

There and then, I looked into your eye
mirroring the red moon between grey clouds
the waters beneath it and the thousand lights
of the city we once believed divine
though its greatest days had gone buried
under the mountains of cheap laughter and gore.

And when the single tear appeared on your cheek
I knew that the time of play and games was over;
doomed and ******, the riches of body and soul
had fallen from the pedestal of adoration, desire
reluctantly ended in detachment whilst the mime
half dry already stands prepared for the next woeful show.

(The only wisdom we can hope to acquire
Is the wisdom of humility: humility is endless.
- T.S. Eliot)

Uprooted
Like this beech tree;
Weary of the deceptive world
Of unceasing wind tearing its leaves,
Dry sun shamelessly burning its dreams
Of a fair new world just begun
And of Heavy flooding rains
Offering only deceit of deceit of hope;
Aimless is the time of birth and death -
And so am I.

And yet even when lying on the earth
seemingly mortally wounded,
A new bud secretly and silently grows
Humbly receiving a little piece from all -
And so am I.

without the feather’s might
and plow to sow the lines of soul
at the violent hour
the hour of blade and blood
we reach the same shores yet again

and if we do not come too close
we shall never see the wrinkles
that stretch like markings
left on earth left without water
for the yellow heated dust
for the rock and the death

what is dug from hardboiled soil
is only a flicker of hope
the last thing lingering in the ancient box
trapped while the other vile evils
trample over the old and new roads
and the rain’s still nowhere
but in the heads of perpetual dreamers

I cannot make sense of things
for some time now
there is me and there is you
separate, separated, separating
the trash in the mind of none
and when the photos we took
and the silence we shared
is all but gone
there still seems to be some life in us
there still seems to be some light in us
there still seems to be some love in us
yet not for each other

What is left
of fallen springs
(and fallen love)
bleeding (as only
springs can bleed)
into everhungry
mouth of earth

What is left
of skinny religions
crucifing for
redemption ( for
some kind of sin
we’ve made)of
eternal soul (but we
can’t remember)

What is left
of those trees (
where we've made love
once) near the river
and the sun that shone
for our smiles
(or maybe only yours)

What is left
of these memories(
only pain) bringing
on their wings (pain)
a hope for another day
(always pain)

Winter sun
Looking into myself
I find only snow

God of medicine
Have mercy on him,
Uproot this feeling
That dwells within.

Give him your healing blood
So he could sleep like a log,
Secure him dreamless night
By thy single sweetened drop.

Unsatisfied remains his love
That touches like bitter breeze
The tender spots in his heart
And cleaves his mind apart.

Be like a rose, or be like a sword,
Calm him down with your word,
Give him just a shadow of hope,
Or help to tie a noose on his rope.

God of medicine
Have some mercy on him.
Take the silent pain he feels within
Or let his tired eyes grow dim.

One night upon the stormy waters,
John the sailor lost his hearing
But the sea and the sky,
Indifferent as ever,
Continued humming and screaming.

Before his eyes waves came and went
Just like the days of his youth,
Seen only through the lightning
And faded glow of the lanterns,
Never destined to sooth.

Unable to hear the shouts of his captain
He felt lost; in his nose only salt and sea
With their notion of deaf eternity.
A piece of mankind’s suffering shone from his eye
While his hands, stretched onwards, perplexed,
Were desperately trying to grab the invisible sky.

At that moment a memory came to John,
From the depths of human unconscious,
Of a drowned Phoenician sailor who resides
In every man who hath passeth the seas,
Of the end of the lengthy voyage,
Of the leaves of grass and of the breeze.

Burried by the ocean or burried by the soil,
Matters not to those who seek eternal life
But more often they end in the stony places
Where only dark and ghastly things form -
Considering this, he regained control of his spirit
Prepared once again to conquer the storm.

Breathless, the late dawn
Touches the stillness of windowpanes,
While cat lies, gently resting on the lawn.
The leaf withered, floats in shallow pond to die.
Herds of orange clouds spread
Their dreamy fingers across the sky.

Everything was as it should have been.
You were here (then and now) with me.
And then, the breathless day was suddenly set
And about to finish its perpetual journey.

Now, the footfalls echo through the empty apartment,
Playing the fake tune of here and always.
What was once young at bloom now lies
Trampled by the time hurried in its eternal chase.

Sitting at this limbo between summer and winter,
The crossroads of midnight and noon,
I behold the sky full of sun turn grey-
The silent reproach below the pale moon.

Then and there, the tempest, resource deified,
Attacks my solitude- and blows away the crust
That once, I think, beat as my heart,
Blows away the memories woven with rust,
And finally is breathless at dawn,
Watching as we slowly turn into dust.

The land of Canaan lays covered in blood
Which mingles with sand and yellow dust;
A solemn initiation of a continuing life.
The Temple has long fallen and its ruins
Are much older than the silent millennia.

From east to west, from north to south,
Wandering feet make themselves known
In the sand, just for a while until the wind
In his great wisdom covers them away
And hides them from the millennia.

And ye, gentiles, be not harsh with the souls
Of the buried, for they knew not their mistakes.
Cherish every rock and tree giving you shelter
From the sun for which there is no cure
As it shines unto you for the millennia.

When the land of Canaan shall be finally yours,
When the waters start pouring from rich oases,
Will you finally be content and self-satisfied?
Will your pride allow your heart the freedom
It has sought for the empty millennia?

With the altar and the Temple rebuilt,
Will your ***** hands throw down the trowel?
Will you lay down your sword and face
The wretched generation of enlightened men
That has grown out of the motionless millennia?

And when the King shall call onto thee again,
Will you come at the error of your ways?
Will you bow, will you utter a frightened grace?
Will you show him the haggard face
You’ve tried to hide from his eyes for millennia?

Or will the broken city of Jerusalem,
Will it always be broken?

At frozen midnight when he reached
the lonely mountain’s peak
(only patient owl and restless rabbit
keeping him their ghostly company)
he beheld before him deep in a valley
a city with its lights so bright
one could weep the rivers of gratitude

City people love and hate it at once
as it shines the light on the middle
of every man’s fall
minutes before utter destruction
of every sensation felt
different for thousand times and more
a great theater of many actors
each living and dying in their characters
that they themselves created out of desire
but it is only and only the moment
the short duration between the dark and dark
that franticly matters in their distorted hearts
that and only that moment in time
when light turns to them
and they are seen by others
a moment of shammed fame
for nobody’s listening
but waiting for his part

The owl silently caught the rabbit
while he turned to sleep the other away
his back facing the city lights

Tears all dried up
Hope but a faded memory
and numbed heart, pierced
by thousands of daggers

as

she leaves to journey with her new lover.

(And soon she will no longer think of thee.
She will not spare a thought in her newly found delight.
And you, only an old, rusty flower already set to die out,
are replaced in her soul and in her mind).

The river's flow cannot be halted easily
and the one who holds on to it’s stream
is not lost at least until it reaches the sea.
But to go against the austere flow
is only the way of remembrance
of things best left to forget.
Even to throw oneself into the water,
expecting it to enclose the sinking feeling
and freeze it by the cold,
leads only to a loss of the ability
to set one’s own pace,
to forfeit rest and sanity
in an unequal exchange
of ice shard for free will.

Yes, it happens sometimes
that the river might seem broken,
forgotten and conquered by the bridges,
infected with small ships and big boats,
or the heat of the august sun might
dry up and hollowed out its bank.
But the world is only temporary,
measured by time and space.
And so the river, from time to time,
releases its fury to remind the man
of his inevitable mortality.

I, who has been walking
on the strand for so long,
sit next to the transparent god
who has been there when we first met
long way up the stream.
I think of the time we travelled together
and how you left for the other shore
just when the river showed us its rage.
I’ve been sitting here for endless time now,
seen hundred suns go up and down,
cold rain, ferocious wind with no shelter
for weary soul.

Now it must be the time to finally move on
for you are not here,
not in any way near me,
only in my head,
only in memory,
and the love I feel is only in the past,
upstream where we’ll never walk again.
So farewell to you
and farewell to 2020.

Yesterday I could touch you
And it felt like being born again.
When your hand turned to mine
In a big blue car
My body and soul quivered
Fearful of the uncertain future
That at once stood tall before them
But suddenly crumbled like burning Rome.

I don’t think that you can understand
For I’m not sure if it can be explained
By words of any language.
You are the beautiful deep abyss
Into which I long to fall over and over again.
I want to share your darkness and your light
Smell forever your hair, hold you in my arms
And there will never be one who want it like me.

Man longs to leave a mark
On this world before he’s gone;
Some carve their names in stone,
Throw pennies in white fountains,
Circling aimlessly around this
Endless struggle to find purpose-
Some mad immortal preservation,
Just like a miniature spider
In raging winds trying to climb up
On his slender web.

Some seek to preserve themselves
Through their offspring
Creating an image of alienation
In children’s perception.
It is somehow an attempt
To live at least twice
To fulfill what they did not in their prime.
But it never does work that way
And seemingly innocent goal becomes
Doom for their love and pride.

If you asked me what I wish
To leave behind when the time comes,
The answer would be nothing;
I desire simply to disappear.
My only request being to go before you
For without you I’m as good as gone,
The soul reminding a broken stone.
I do not want people to say:
„Look, here, that was a inordinate love!“
I long to vanish without a mark or sound
only with eyes open, in your arms,
looking at my past and present
beautifully materialised,
holding your hand waiting for warmth
to escape my body for the last time.