It's 3AM and I can't sleep because my legs are restless and I know where they want to run to
difficult to comprehend sometimes
that a boy who I laid in parking lots with and laughed at skies with is in a pile of dirt
is that what life really ****** comes to
we're born and its this fabulous miraculous mystery and we're the greatest beings to walk the planet and we can be taken so quickly and just vanish into ******* dust
I'm sick to my stomach thinking of you in your inevitable gold chain and Rolex always so clean and charming and how now you're filled with dirt and you're just a skeleton rotting in a suit
Where'd your big brown eyes go?
I guess I can look at tree trunks and think of you
Or the texture of the next noose I won't have the ***** to use

Merry Christmas, Chris

I'm not sad today
it's sunny and the skies are gorgeous and it stopped raining finally and everyone is happy and I know it's because you're looking down today. The sky's always beautiful when you're looking down.
I'm praying to God or whoever will listen that you're sitting there with your baby brother and your twin in front of a Christmas tree. I'm praying that they know you're with them and that even though things will never be the same that they'll be okay.
Merry Christmas Chris, I owe you. Thank you for instilling your happiness in me today. I'm thinking of you.

you were my bad influence
you got me drunk and sat me down in the grass when I got the spins and when I looked up you were staring at the stars yelling through a smile with clouds of breath coming out of your mouth
you were my risk taker
you brought me to an abandoned asylum and giggled as we ran through the halls, and cackled as we ran from the police
you were my music
we were on my brother's bed enveloped in smoke so thick I couldn't see you and all I could do was bob my head to the sound of your chuckle
you were my safety
every time my mom hurt me you were right there to let me know someone loved me and someone was there
you were my first heart break
you were my first hospital visit
you were my first funeral
you were my first burial

I still remember the way your whole face was put into your smile and your laugh
I still remember your skin lit up with stars and moonlight and your snore in my bottom bunk and the way your voice cracked when you said my name and the way your laughter echoed through every room and every person you encountered. thank you so much for allowing me to know someone as perfect as yourself. thank you for being so many of my firsts. I'm so sorry it was you.

happy thanksgiving Christopher

Today I wanted to go see you
But to be honest I'm terrified of graveyards
So instead I look at pictures
And newspaper clippings
And obituaries
Everything and the only things this town remembers you by
I think everyone's lying
About how good of friends you were
And how close you were
And how much they miss you
I'm cynical
But I ******* miss you so much
I missed our friendship since it ended
I'm so sorry it ended
I'm so sorry you ended

I'm cleaning my bedroom and I found the outfit I wore the last time I saw you folded up on top of my couch. It still smells like the hospital. I can still see my hands in it covering my face as my jaw was dropped and the tears were fighting to stay in my eyes. I didn't want to cry in front of your parents. Or you. But then again you were going to be okay. I'm so sorry the doctors were wrong. And I hope you met my dad up there and I hope you met the other kids from our town who went.
happy thanksgiving Chris, I am thankful for knowing someone as happy and positive and good hearted as you were.

I hope you burn
Actually
I hope everything you love burns so you can see things the way I had them
I hope your house goes up in flames and your girlfriend is caught in them and I hope you watch your bike and your xbox burn and I hope you watch your baby pictures burn and the bed that we slept in burn and I hope that as you watch everything you love burn that you can feel something other than ice in your heart.
I hope you can feel it burning
Then you can know what I know
Losing everything to a flame
(That's what she is)

But lastly, I hope you burn.

I fell asleep with your obituary in my hand last night
In my dreams I was finding your grave
I hugged your headstone
I dug you up from the ground
When I finally found you
You were nothing but stained blankets
I wrapped myself in you and laid down where you were

There was a time when I wrote my own obituary
And a screenplay of my death
Do you remember when you found it?
You didn't say anything
But you looked at me like I was already gone
I never thought your name would be in the paper before mine

I don't believe in god
But I hope you're with him
I don't believe in god
But I hope there's a heaven made just for you
I don't believe in god
Because if he were there you'd be here

I woke up this morning with your obituary crumpled in my fist

Where the **** are you

One week and three days ago
You were drinking
She was driving
You know the rest
One week and two days ago
You were still bleeding
Your heart stopped beating
They brought you back to me
One week and one day ago
Your lungs collapsed
You pulled through it
Strongest man I know
One week ago today
I saw your face covered in tubes
I held your hand pricked with needles
My tears dripped on your gown
You weren't awake to see a thing
But they said you were gonna make it
Three days ago
You seized until your heart stopped
Again
I pray to god you didn't feel it
I pray to god you were unconscious
I want you to know I spent the whole night screaming and I didn't sleep until the next
I want you to know you mean so much to me
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE ALWAYS ON MY MIND IN WHATEVER I DO WHEN I CRASHED MY CAR I WONDERED IF YOU WERE KEEPING ME SAFE I PASS BY ALL THE PLACES WE USED TO HANG OUT I FOUND PICTURES OF US AS KIDS I'M RIGHT HERE GIVE ME A SIGN THAT YOU'RE HERE AND YOU KNOW I'M TALKING TO YOU CHRIS YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO AND I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT EVERYBODY LOVES YOU AND you changed an entire ******* town and I'm so sorry you had to be the one

One week and three days ago you didn't cross my mind once
Now for one week and three days straight you've been incorporated into everything I think and say and do

I can't believe you're ******* gone

Are you here?