In my junior year of high school my teacher had us write two separate lists
One of all of the things we hated about ourselves and one of all the things we loved about ourselves
The first was the easiest and I remember filling a page and a half of things I would **** myself over

We ripped these into shreds and threw them in a fire in the science lab

The latter was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I remember only filling half a page, with every other line screaming
I WILL NOT BE A STATISTIC

With each scream the words got more assertive and dark and permanent

I keep that letter zipped in a pocket with my razors

Tonight I left it folded there

Have you ever wondered
How tremendously different of a sound hitting a tree with your car would sound, as opposed to any other sound you've heard before?
That's all I can think about lately, and I drive a lot.
Take my keys from me.
I want to disappear in a box made for me carved with the words of everything I've ever screamed
sometimes when I scream it is just a long AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH that could pierce the ears of the deaf.
Just so we're clear, that should translate into a picture.
Of me standing in a parking lot screaming the same way as you walk away for the last time, holding her hand.

Tonight I'll scream again for the last time, and I swear tomorrow I'll really be over you.

I hope when you see my face you scream until your lungs run out

I hope when you hear my voice you slam your hands over your ears and still can't get me out of them

I hope when someone says my name you smash your head into the nearest wall to erase it

I hope when you see my posts you shatter your phone into millions of tiny pieces to make sure you won't see them again

I hope, when you're alone in your room and you know you should be thinking about her, that I cross that thick skull of yours. And I hope you grab the gun you keep in your basement and I hope you blast it right where I am because how else will you get me out of there?

Truth is, you won't and you never will. Welcome to hell.

You kissed my arms and my face and told me everything you loved about me and we went on hikes and laughed at the sky together
I thought I had it figured out
We danced at prom and you were feeling a little down I brought you up and cradled you till you smiled
I thought I had it figured out
You guys were friends and she was like a sister to you and a best friend to me
I thought I had it figured out
When you hung out you smoked cigarettes together and skated at the park and called each other "dude"
I thought I had it figured out
It's 3 months later and I'm lying on the floor while she's lying in your bed I scream in pain and she screams in joy
I thought I had it figured out
You went from kissing every scar I had to cradling her when she was sad you used to brush my fallen hair back behind my ear and now you pull on hers when she does things right you used to cook me grilled cheese and now she's getting five star meals
I really thought I had it figured out

She walked in front of my car today and it took the entirety of myself not to floor it. I saw you in the hallway today and it took the entirety of me not to paint the walls with your blood.
I thought I had you figured out
I don't even have myself figured out

I emptied out my pocket book
Yes I'm alright and everything's okay

My fingers are bleeding
I found a few blades in the pockets
Yes I'm alright and everything's okay

I repacked it
Charger
Makeup
Chapstick
Glasses
Wallet

And in the zip up part I put the blades
With a note I found stuffed in a folder
Of all of the reasons I love myself

"I will not be a statistic"
Is one of them

I'm sitting back in the room I wrote that note in

This time it's not my fingers that are ******
And I want to write on the walls
"I will not be a statistic"
In red

I need to be alone
Everybody leave me alone
Please don't touch me I might *****
Please don't talk to me I will self destruct

No I do not need a hug
No do not touch my hands
Do not touch my arms
I can take care of myself

I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF
I HAVE TWO HEADPHONES IN
PLEASE STOP TALKING NEAR ME
STOP
DON'T TOUCH
DO NOT TOUCH ME
DON'T COMFORT ME
I'M NOT JUST SAYING THIS BECAUSE I AM UNSURE OF WHAT I WANT OR BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO DO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I TELL YOU DO NOT TOUCH BACK AWAY DO NOT TOUCH I REALLY WILL SCREAM
I really will scream

But I will scream anyways

I'm not making this up
We are in your basement and your hand is on my thigh and I'm laid across your lap and your other hand is tangled in my hair and I'm falling asleep or maybe I'm waking up
Wait am I making this up?
My eyes are dripping and my breathing is shaky and my face is blushed and you're coming over to me and you pull me really close and you lock me against you and let me drench your clothes I close my eyes on your shoulder and feel your arms around me or maybe I'm opening them
Please tell me I'm not crazy
We're in your pool and you tell me it's okay that I'm scarred and we're underwater and you swim to me and you kiss me under the water your hands are on my face and everything is perfect but it's a little hard to breathe and I'm still underwater or maybe I'm above water and drowning in the air
I don't know if I'm making this up
I think I am crazy