"There are 55-gallon drums all over the place filled with the 'euthanized' carcasses of formerly-healthy young dogs & cats because dog pounds, animal 'shelters' & 'humane' societies have no choice (NO CHOICE I TELL YOU!!!) but to 'euthanize' them! Please, please, please (OH, FOR THE SAKE OF OUR DEAR MERCIFUL JEHOVAH GOD IN HEAVEN, PLEASE!!!) donate money 'cause them drums ain't free!"

You stroked my enormous tumor with love & care
after I fell into a ditch because I didn't see it there
You took my wallet to buy for me an expensive gift
'cause free of the ditch I needed an emotional lift
I will not ever be cured of this upper leg limb limp,
as long as you turn tricks for your big ****** ****

The apple doesn't fall far from the fruity fruit tree. Don't tell your twin everything. You're wiser than she. Dogs are attuned to sine waves, menstrual cycles & cardio-rhythms. A picture's worth 1,000 words...but only 57 ****. Love & Kisses, oven hisses...All my love's for you, and for that woman who used to drive the bread truck. Sitting up unsupported? Drinking coffee on a diving board? Wearing high-heel shoes in a swimming pool? There are 2 types of people, those who put people into 2 types and those who don't. My chihuahua loves me for what I am inside: dog parts. Concrete is correct. It's cement when it's wet. Royalties. They are royally generous like Liz is with Phil, like Nick was to Sunny. Go ahead, love yourself, but not on the bus where everybody can see you. Even in mystical India, helicopter pilots MUST reject spherical trigonometry to navigate our Earth as she is: a motionless plane, and not as a ball planet rotating & wobbling @ 1,039 miles per hour at her equatorial mid-line. I'm touched (in a mentally-unretarded way).

Regression ****** in anger hangs on hangers, frogs laid outwardly,
on platters, fascinate frog-fanciers who fancy laid-out frog wangers

♚ As they rested on the front porch side by side on rocking chairs the farmer sarcastically said to his wife of 60 years, while pointing at her sagging *******: "If those things worked I wouldn't need a cow."; "Yes," she conceded, "and if that thing worked," said she while pointing at his crotch, "I wouldn't need your brother."

Giving the dentist a groping thrill ain't going to lower no dental bill
when Eskimos howl biting things about how cycles make them feel
after whitey smashes heavy steel columns across their faces for real

My neighbor's eye ***** have turned into walnuts. It's so weird. At first I thought it was temporary but they're still walnuts. I hope his wife doesn't transmogrify into a tow truck or a couch cushion. See! This is why I pray to Jesus and not Mohammed!

BIG NIG'S DISASTER PREPAREDNESS - Big Nig & Patty McJohnson lived with their 4 children in a modest house near the Empire State Building and each rainless day Patty would hang laundry over the side of a cliff in their yard that adjoined the steepest part of the Grand Canyon. One day, as Nig was trimming a bush, the Eiffel Tower began to lean scarily towards the McJohnson garage. "Hurry Todd!" Nig yelled. "I need duct tape! The big roll!" Quickly Todd & Nig encircled the tower with a wide swath of tape. "That will keep her from falling!" Nig proclaimed. "What happened?!" Patty asked. "The Eiffel Tower almost fell on our garage!" Todd exclaimed, still slightly out of breath. "We secured it with duct tape!" Later, after 23 hurricanes passed over their house, one after another, a volcano erupted, spewing a wave of lava 67,000 feet high. Fortunately Nig had prepared 2 dozen extra-big sand-bags to divert the flow.

We can't go there & we can do something with boats in our pockets
'cause heaven's God's door for the sum of 6 ***** & mid-leg sockets
that fall under the underlings whose socks are from cotton-sock kits
for high frequency, amplitude & pulse brassieres made to shock ****

Some day I'll be appreciated for what I really am: a multi-faceted he-man. 14 agree: Lincoln's melancholia did nothing to curb his penchant for blood baths. In all the blue Earth & other violet planets of deluge there are droughts & set-backs. Cries of “a sand storm killed my mother” & “my grill friend can't get enough” {chef related} can be heard far & again.

FOR SALE: 14 broken window panes smeared with dog-****, also 12 broken window panes smeared with **** from animals unknown. Priced right at $5 per pane or take entire lot of 26 for $175 (U.S.). This is a once-in-a-lifetime offer! No refunds! No trespassing! No loitering! No hunting! No parking! No smoking! No swimming! No diving! No dancing! No fishing! No motor vehicles!

Leaning back on this toilet, praying for a miracle, eating a gold fish
while controlling the more eager of ready broads is an age-old wish
as it's a gynecological lost cause to warm a menopausally-cold dish
7 December 1980 Yoko & John Lennon celebrate Pearl Harbor Day
with sushi, foot-long Coney Island hot dogs & Uncle Tetsu's soufflé
My *** hurts & I'm harboring rabid resentment for Tom Ridge as I
look for a bad woman to subdue in a headlock & throw off a bridge
Bob Mitchum said: "Stick with me & you'll be farting through silk"
to his fiancée whose huge milkers were lactating extra-creamy milk
At night she labored with an intensive hypnagogically-hypnical ****
that allopaths attributed to a restless leg syndrome, obstetrical quirk
to be cut out by a gamma x-rayed scalpel dirtier than a septical dirk
with the sense of purpose & sincerity of a less alien robotical smirk
coupled & triangulated with a frozen-cold-shoulder-shrugging shirk
as nutty as Robert Gallo father of A.I.D.S. who worked with Merck
that has ruined queers of Ireland's Leap Castle not too near Dunkirk
where ghosts who haunt not the dreams of Obama's fake father lurk
in the cracked cranium of a Keniano grovelling as a Canadian clerk
& not a nurse who's no worse than a ******-baiting curse 'cause she
niggered my **** after jerking my ****** like a ******-jerking nurse
who is lividly ornery, wickedly cruel, savagely brutal & terse as she
bottles stale **** for the shoe-testing queers of evil Nike's Converse
paunch that wallows in Ed A. Crowleyan demonological commerce
so that Christendom's rites are attenuated by posing them in reverse

Impersonate a cow to get milked, kiss Michael Milken to get bilked
'cause rake-fist is the host deported grill of the bay, served on 1 tray
Dum' toes can't learn 'em nuttin,' dum' *****, can't learn 'er somet'in'
***** hinges in as them wages of sin rack up with cat-house binges
Hell singes trite mortal sins what ready Texas *****-house twinges
Fires singe flighty moral wins that sea-quake D.C. bordello twinges
Jail singes trite coral stints to swell semi-flimsy poor-house twinges

MY MOST UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENT WITH AN EX- TEAMSTER - I was sitting in my sports car, eating a chicken McNugget that a chicken had to die to provide, when a monstrous killer (like Ted Bundy) approached me with a Taco Bell taco. "How much?" I asked. "I would never sell it. It belonged to my grandma who died before I was born. She loved this taco and named it Chuck, Chuck the Taco, sometimes Chucky," the killer said who could've been an ex-teamster who loved lesbians even though it amounted to nothing.

There must be a grimy, non-theatrically saucy way to gratify, for 55 minutes, a woman sexually like Béla Lugosi did when he was alive working as a working worker bee in a working worker bee bee hive
Bill Clinton's trucking dad died because Billy Rockefeller was born
so that Arkansas bath houses hosting *** *** antics could film ****
Somehow my **** lard **** ain't getting no thinner on a 7-day daily
diet of ham hocks, pork rinds & chocolate-syrup sundaes for dinner
on the 7 steps to Zoubek's Memorial to the Victims of Communism
I shall show love for chewing chewy carrots with vegetarianism, or
I'll choose a chewy Cuban ****** chaos for chewin' chewy carrots
with Castro's 1959 call for a cruel & cruddy Marxian vegetarianism
that'd be Cuba's revolutionary means to spoil Haitian egalitarianism
for forgetful amnesiacs who can not recall unrecalled amnesia at all

It is always me who must pick up the pieces, from your illegal Gulf
of Mexico oil leases, 'cause you're slimier than 7 trillion Ed Meeses
He pulled the same **** on me twice, first he gave me 3 versions of
A.I.D.S. & then he infected me with genital ***** & ****-body lice
when I least expected it 'cause I was just circumcised, sexier & nice
when I least wanted it because I was just-circumcised sexier & nice

THE BALCONY-CLIMBER - How are you making a living? You aren't still "balcony-climbing" are you? What's wrong with that? Nothing unless you lose your grip. Listen, I've fallen billions of times. The secret to not getting hurt is to fall on fat women. They'll break your fall better than any air mattress will. It still seems iffy to me. Watch me tomorrow. If I fall it'll be from 70 feet. I've got 2 fat ***** in the parking lot. I can't miss. I'll hit 'em squarely. One'll be killed instantly but I'll be fine. Okay, if you say so. Got any bread? Sure, bottom drawer. Thanks. My sister was a **** till a "balcony-climber" smashed her flat. Yes that was me.

THE DREAM of a Tourette Syndrome victim is to live in Norfolk & speak with an English accent; in that way the T.S. sufferer would be excused for exclaiming **** & **** all the time everywhere. "I live in Nor-**** and I **** ever leave!"

All stories start the same way. I was ******* several stewardesses in the privacy of the airport when a call was placed for me. It was the president. What now? TALKING THINGS OVER WITH FRED ****-MUSCLE ~ “Hi, Mr. ****-Muscle. Are you comfortable?” ~ “Yes.” ~ “Good. About your name?” ~ “What of it?” ~ “Tell us about it.” ~ “It's not my name really. I was Christened Alfred after my father. Folks have taken to calling me Fred for short.” ~ No, I mean your last name.” ~ “What?  ****-Muscle?” ~ “Yes.” ~ “It's 2 names, **** & Muscle. That's why it has a hyphen.” ~ “I see. Thank you Mr. ****-Muscle.” ~ “You're welcome.”

I am wolfishly wolfing hot dogs with wolves whilst being doggedly
dogged by dogs that are pigging out with pigs piggishly on Chinese
processed ham products ground by Chinese prisoners in Shen Yang
who thrive on beet tops, ping pong ***** & wild rat pink nose gravy
With 5 ham sandwiches stuck to my *** from a ham-sandwich fight
I rolled over in bed to take from your *** a large ham-sandwich bite
I need 100% access to your labially-guarded, deeply-drilled treasure
to ensure 98% pleasure with my thrill-tool-to-knock-her-up measure
American women discard 898 trillion metric tons of plastic I.U.D.'s
every 4 seconds because they like to. There ain't no talking sense to
these raging, I.U.D.-discarding ****** no matter what you ever do.
Each day I eat black floor crud to prove the permanence of my love
for you & your sister's oily **** that're God's gift from heaven above
for you & for your sister's ***** that are manna from heaven above
for you & for your sister's huge teats that are a gift from God above
for you & for your sister's silky teats that are gifts from Jesus above
Hillary Clinton's ape ****** fooled chimp-lovers in New York City
when her colon prolapsed after Huma fondled Hillary's elderly kitty
Hillary Clinton's ****-tunneling forced critters into diarrheal shittin'
as Huma ****** Hillary's kitten, so in the press it was today written

“Honey, pass the crunchy peanut butter.” ~ “If you think that you are going to get away with dragging my reeking *** back from Tennessee like the last abusive biker then you better get a brand new brand of dandruff shampoo for your 'fro 'cause I ain't no  *****'s hillbilly chill-monkey!” ~ “What?” ~ “Oh, nothing.”

Hillary is ****. Bill likes 'em ****.

Hillary is ****. Billy likes 'em ****.

ENJOY A NEW MATTRESS FOR THE PRICE OF 3 DOG-TRAINING LESSONS at Hector's Mexican Mattress Shop! Hector has been making mattresses with his wife LaToya for many years, ever since their house burned down from a mattress fire. Come in now and get 40%-off!

I'll love you Cheryl when your 9½ toes rot off, when your hair curls
to 1 undertone, puckered like a crone, sacked through a ***** bone.

THE REAGAN YEARS - Ronald Reagan's resilience to dath, I mean death, caused him to live for many years. His woman Nancy also lived a long time till she predictably crapped-out. The Reagan children are alive now, enjoying twice-daily bowel movements and generally having a good time.

HOW TO BECOME HALF OF A GAY COUPLE WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT: (1) Constantly "date" lesbians even though you passionately loathe lesbianism more than life itself. (2) "Sleep" with lesbians, I mean really just sleep with them. (3) Move in with a lesbian without putting the moves on her. (4) Adopt the undeniable habits of a butch lesbian without telling anyone except your Siamese twin if you have one.

They arrived at Monroe Isadore's residence in response to reports of a disturbance. Mr. Isadore confronted them with a handgun and retreated into a bedroom, firing on them when they attempted to enter. S.W.A.T. officers arrived as backup and, after failed negotiations, released gas into the room and broke down the door. Mr. Isadore fired on them as they entered, and they returned fire, killing him. Mr. Monroe Isadore was 107 years old.

Billy's sour-cream-**** crunchers attack Hillary's ***-**** munchers
as 97 genders shall flow, like the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico
before it fills the sea with a mother-headed swill, my Texas cheap-o

Killing everybody & destroying everything, because the day is long
is no reason for killing everybody & everything, as it is 97% wrong

Hello! I am Nancy. I have large fish in my brain that eat a lot of my
brain. I get paid every 27 years & so I'm short on money today after
I gambled 8 million dollars and lost but tomorrow is a **** day for
nudies, freaks, weirdos, deviants & homosexual perverts. Let's give
each other back problems. Let's roll with the punches in swamps of
total dissatisfaction as we bathe each other in the big glow of Jesus.

pulchritude [puhl-kri-tood, -tyood]  1. physical beauty; comeliness.

Elton John's queer husband, they say, testifies that Elton John's gay
Elton John's new husband may testify in court that Elton John's gay
Elton John's husband will not say for sure whether Elton John's gay
Elton John & gay hubby believe that marriage is a fun game to play  
Elton John, without delay, wished muffer Doris a gay 95th birthday

Roving impoverished folk are piously philosophical until they mate
with lard ***, furry, infanticidal witches who irregularly *******
in crude ditches where, with ameba & protozoon, they'll fractionate
an 8-lipped **** that, gapes for sun blight up tight in chronic fright,
smirks beneath edges of hedges till stubble wedges in **** sledges

Have a baby, a little baby, I urged my mistress' 22nd ½-cousin Suzy
or in 5 years you'll be replaced by a greasy, T.J. anchor-baby ******
Have a baby, I advised my girlfriend's girl, the girly babe Betty Lou
or in 2026 you'll be displaced by a Cubano or a greasy Mexican too

I'm a ****** and I want a baby to prove to my **** that I'm a ******!

To stop you from talking every day I would not kick you in the face
or knot your Fallopians because you got 18 mongrels of mixed race

It rained on the night that we first had ****** ******* with a pan
& I could feel your pancreas rise & fall like some nice garbage man
& I could feel your pancreas rise & fall like a crippled garbage man
& I could feel your pancreas rise & fall like a princely garbage man
& I could feel your pancreas rise & fall like a loveless garbage man
You moaned like general George Washington a lot I guess when he
dazzled old bald John Adams in Martha's 1st term, first lady's dress

"Really? A barrel?"
"Yes."
"What's in it?"
"It's empty."
"But still. It's a barrel."
"Yes, a barrel."
"I have 2 thoughts."
"I only have one barrel."
"What a rip-off!"

"Really? A barrel?"
"Yes."
"What's in it?"
"It's empty."
"But still. It's a barrel."
"Yes, a barrel."
"I have 2 thoughts."
"I only have one barrel."
"What a rip-off!"

DIARRHEA CHEATED ME OUT OF MY INHERITANCE! I was upside-down in Lake Huron on a cloudy day when a big ship came out of nowhere like a biker on ******. I swam left as fast as possible, but it was too late. The ship hit me and sank. All the sailors drowned. Years later I swam to the bottom and pulled the ship to the surface. It was just like the Titanic. I couldn't believe it till I took memory-enhancement drugs by the bucketful. Now I'm normal again, just like a biker on ******.