Lizzie Borden bandaged the injured sparrow's leg as her stepmother snuck up from behind with a hatchet. "Lizzie behind you!" The maid shouted just in time for Lizzie to deflect the blow with an ancient karate move. The blade bounced back striking the stepmother in the skull. She was dead. "Jesus!" Lizzie gasped, as the follow-up attack by her father commenced. "Take that *****!" He yelled insanely, missing Lizzie by 1 inch. The failed attempt on his daughter's life depressed father Andrew Borden so much that he retreated to the parlor to commit suicide by brutally axing himself repeatedly in the head till he was dead. "I know they're going to blame me for this!" The maid exclaimed. "No they won't because I'll take full responsibility," Lizzie said with conviction.

THE DAY I NEARLY DIED FROM A MONKEY-BITE - I was petting my monkey lovingly like I always do when a hurricane hit suddenly. Wisely, I pushed him away but not quickly enough. Out of total simian fear he bit me on the ankle so I killed him and sold his carcass to local monkey butchers.

ONE DAY it became obvious (even apparent) to me that I MUST hypnotize my **** neighbor to make her into my obedient love-slave. Hey neighbor! Hey! Come here and see my new hypnotizing kit from Kmart. Kmart? Didn't they go belly up? Yeah, but I got it just before they did. Oh. Now, look deeply into my eyes. Hey, wait a minute! Are you going to make me your love-slave through hypnosis? Yes. Okay.

Timmy was not a pud-whacker because of his Bible upbringing. Rose, the neighbor girl, wanted Timmy to not do the normal amount of pud-whacking because she wanted to marry him and have lots of children, maybe 1 every 11 months for 8 years, even Joyce advised Timmy against pud-whacking. One day, while Timmy was eating asparagus Gus from 3 towns over broke down in front of Joyce's house. "Hey Joyce! How's Timmy doing?!"; "Fine. He did a little pud-whacking last night but he's okay now."

A MATTER OF COMPASSION - Is it safe to shower without a bikini on with an ex-lesbian? Yes, ex-lesbians are not interested in the **** bodies of luscious women in their late teens and early twenties. How can I be 100% sure that an ex-lesbian is not a lesbian anymore? There are many ways to do this that are inexpensive. Ask to see her ex-lesbian promise card (make sure the most recent month is "punched"). Can an ex-lesbian be trusted with my bank card code and extra car keys? Yes, ex-lesbians are trustworthy. My cousin is an ex-lesbian, and I don't trust her because she poaches alligator eggs and smuggles counterfeit Flintstone vitamins. I understand.

I'll never forget the day Jesus died even if I live a long time. We were watching 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘙𝘦𝘥 𝘚𝘬𝘦𝘭𝘵𝘰𝘯 𝘚𝘩𝘰𝘸 when reporter Eric Sevareid cut in: "Jesus has been crucified." My mother, who was very religious, cried: "I can't believe it! Who would do such a thing?!"; "I'll bet it was the Romans," Dad opined. "Me too," I said because dad was usually right about such things: political assassinations, economic issues, trade sanctions, etcetera.

You look awful! How are you feeling? ******. They say the only way to save my left leg is to amputate my right leg. Well, maybe they're right. I brought you the hospital administrator's ex-wife. She's a ******* now. Thanks, but I don't want a ******* because my ****'s sore. Okay, maybe later.

I got a tattoo last week. Where? Here! It's too small. You should've got one fifty times bigger. What can I do now? Enlarge it with tattoo enlargening cream. Simply rub it into small tattoos every 15 seconds for 9 months. How much larger will my tattoo get? Well, a tattoo that's 1 square inch can get as large as a garbage can lid. That is large! See this cobra? It used to be no bigger than a hornet. Now look at it! It wraps around my flabby *** and ***** before lurching north to my throat. I'm impressed!

𝓝𝓸 𝓚𝔂𝓵𝓮, 𝓘 𝓭𝓸𝓷'𝓽 𝓫𝓮𝓵𝓲𝓮𝓿𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾. 𝓣𝓱𝓪𝓽'𝓼 𝓳𝓾𝓼𝓽 𝓪𝓷 𝓮𝓶𝓹𝓽𝔂 𝓮𝔁-𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓫𝓲𝓪𝓷 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓶𝓲𝓼𝓮. 𝓘 𝓬𝓪𝓷 𝓼𝓹𝓸𝓽 𝓸𝓷𝓮 𝓪 𝓶𝓲𝓵𝓮 𝓪𝔀𝓪𝔂. 𝓡𝓮𝓶𝓮𝓶𝓫𝓮𝓻, 𝓶𝔂 𝓶𝓸𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻'𝓼 𝓪𝓷 𝓮𝔁-𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓫𝓲𝓪𝓷. 𝓨𝓮𝓼, 𝓘 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀, 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓘 𝓱𝓸𝓷𝓸𝓻 𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓼𝓪𝓴𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓫𝓲𝓪𝓷𝓲𝓼𝓶 𝓽𝔀𝓮𝓷𝓽𝔂-𝓯𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝔂𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓼 𝓪𝓰𝓸 𝔀𝓱𝓮𝓷 𝓮𝔁-𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓫𝓲𝓪𝓷𝓼 𝔀𝓮𝓻𝓮 𝓻𝓪𝓻𝓮𝓵𝔂 𝓪𝓬𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀𝓵𝓮𝓭𝓰𝓮𝓭 𝓮𝔁𝓬𝓮𝓹𝓽 𝓪𝓽 𝓫𝓸𝔀𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓽𝓸𝓾𝓻𝓷𝓪𝓶𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓼. 𝓗𝓮𝓻𝓮, 𝓵𝓸𝓸𝓴 𝓪𝓽 𝓶𝔂 𝓿𝓾𝓵𝓿𝓪. 𝓘𝓽'𝓼 𝔀𝓲𝓵𝓭 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓾𝓷𝓬𝓪𝓻𝓮𝓭 𝓯𝓸𝓻, 𝓵𝓲𝓴𝓮 𝓪 𝓒𝓸𝓴𝓮 𝓶𝓪𝓬𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓵𝓼 𝓸𝓷𝓵𝔂 𝓢𝓹𝓻𝓲𝓽𝓮. 𝓨𝓮𝓼, 𝓘 𝓴𝓷𝓸𝔀.

Three women, all ex-lesbians, mounted the dead cowboy's naked corpse like pagan animals. "This is sickening," one of them ******* while the other two engaged in lezzy *** even though they weren't supposed to. "I hate all ex-lesbians!" The third cousin of the lead ex-lesbian proclaimed in a naughtily haughty way that made Tom, an ex-lesbian lover, so jealous that he jumped off the tippy top of the Empire State Building several times, nearly killing himself.

Is it safe to shower without a bikini on with an ex-lesbian? Yes, ex-lesbians are not interested in the **** bodies of luscious women in their late teens and early twenties. How can I be 100% sure that an ex-lesbian is not a lesbian anymore? There are many ways to do this that are inexpensive. Ask to see her ex-lesbian promise card (make sure the most recent month is "punched"). Can an ex-lesbian be trusted with my bank card code and extra car keys? Yes, ex-lesbians are trustworthy. My cousin is an ex-lesbian, and I don't trust her because she poaches alligator eggs and smuggles counterfeit Flintstone vitamins. I understand.

EATING PEOPLE WHO OPPOSE CANNIBALISM - John Lennon represented youth, muscular youth, the kind of youth that could **** a person. Yes, yes. But what about unemployment? And joblessness? I agree. These are 2 horrifying dilemmas, but we shouldn't let our swollen ***** stop us. Well, mine does. I can barely get off the toilet from a seated position. Me too. The other day I was stuck for 2 weeks and I nearly died. If a neighbor woman hadn't stolen my wallet, I'd be unemployed right now. Yes, me too.