"You'll never get a second chance to make a first impression or a seventeenth chance to make a seven hundredth impression, so shut your gob or I'll drive my Corolla up your *** when you least expect it!" Hunter told Joe after they both lost a leg-shaving contest in Tulsa.

Jesus wept and then He got even. The floors and the walls and the ceiling and the ditch out back made Tyler miss Tanya like a basket weaver misses lesbian training by Mormons. "Yes, those were the days when a foreigner could get comfortable just lying around on stolen blankets, eating cheese and going to the bathroom for fun," Gladdio reminisced. "Here, take my bean pocket and toss these magnets at that train," Mary instructed casually. "Alright! But I'll need a rubber ***** for demonstration purposes," Gladdio mused while his knockers grew beneath a flimsy shirt because of synthetic girl-hormones that he got for free from the Department of Labor Management.

"The first 15 minutes
      are the hardest," I  told my new girlfriend. She
      seemed to understand even tho she  was new.

      "Will I always be your girlfriend?" She asked expectantly.
   "No," I mushed, "some day you'll be a miserable
      memory like radiation therapy or dialysis."

     "If I turned Italian, grew whiskers & spoke
      with a limp would you not still love me?"

     "Still?...oh yeah, sure still..."

THE GAY WAYS OF ALL WOMEN drained Steve of his confidence with women even after reading 𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘰 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘓𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘞𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯 𝘰𝘯 𝘢 𝘉𝘶𝘥𝘨𝘦𝘵 by **** Pleasureman. "I can't make it work out with the women at the carpet shop," Steve confessed to his priest who didn't know the pope personally or anything. He knew a bishop, but that hardly mattered in tight places.

I was so mystified by dumb tricks &, tired of your busy labels that I
farted a final, tired **** at the Christmas tree 'neath the kitchen table
with my girl whose able ****'s cuntier than the **** of Betty Grable
naked on my couch, legs parted, full lips pink & mental state stable

Off the spoon with your smooth-ground peanut butter! I'm the sister
of a lean-cut brother. I will bear your brats in our queen-****'s color,
because the coal oil-broiled cur is mine, my slap-happy mutt seller!
I gather lather for shavers shaving with mayo & peanut-butter ooze,
because after you've lost a nose to frostbite you cannot snort *****.
Yawalapiti chicks are mongrel Mongols! They sleep until 2:45 like
I do. I don't know why they wring the hydrogen cyanide acid out of
raw mandioca, ½ chew viperfish or use slimy seaweed as shampoo.
Menstruating Emmanuella lived on little mountain Monticello with
Thomas Jefferson, the dead president fella. They had a lot of clean,
Jeffersonian fun each day & night, eatin' corn dogs, watching *****
fight. 1 day while Emmanuella was washing her ******* in a stream
the evil wraith of wormy Sally Hemings appeared like a bad dream.
School girl Isabella lived on little mountain Monticello with Mister
Thomas Jefferson, the ex-presidential fella. They enjoyed healthful
cholera vaccines, ****** feedings & blood-letting, kissing & petting.
One time, while Isabella was scrubbing her ***** in a filthy stream,
Negrita Sally Hemings rose up like skim milk minus its rich cream.
I'm weary of being a meat-bag for *** whale hunters who scarf ran-
cid squid & chicken, or any Mississippian ***** wanting to sink his
hick in. These ******* only stretch to my lower ribs, beyond that we
will need O.S.H.A.-approved, California-******-pink lobster bibs.
Maybe a higher high-grade frequency's needed to contend with new
vessels forming upon the bark where a cholesterol-deficit shrinks to
seize, a statin-toxin man with doctor Aloysius Alzheimer's disease?
I think so, after asking Vy's left-leaning toe. There ain't much and it
is plenty; enough to freeze the breeze & to knock gigantic monkeys
from trees with a sneezy, queasy wheeze. Please Joe Biden: Coax a
coke snort from the Man's Country men Barry Soetoro's been ridin.'
The bummed-out drunken doctor recommended that the very nervy
******-polyp patient eat 5 peanut & butterfish-belly sandwiches ev-
ery day for 6 years, & have his fangs waxed along with his jug ears.
Since you abandoned me, & our player piano moving business, I've
been herniating myself twice per day. To herniate myself less, I de-
cided to move lighter pianos and to I hire a criminal to ****** you.
You crashed my Russian helicopter into a parked helicopter when I
needed it most. You stole my toaster so I can't make toast. You kiss
strange women because you say it is thrilling, without a care in this
queer world about the murderous feelings that I'm normally feeling.
When it comes to ***, all that I have are my ******* memories. Let
me alone. I am going to the **** where real's real & no one pays an
**** bill. It's time to put up or shut up & to tuck in hot, curly fringe
that makes your ménage à trois ****-trio puke up phlegm & cringe.
Initially I could crap without laxatives while thinking of: P.J. Proby
with P.P. Arnold accompanied by B.J. Thomas over the complaints
of T.S. Eliot, H.P. Lovecraft, B.B. King, F.W. Woolworth plus J.C.
Penney, G.C. Murphy, B.F. Skinner, H.H. Holmes & D.W. Griffith
who is dead, deaf & dumb & off the toilet seat that dented his ***.
There is our moon this foggy night that's warty like a nice pickle &
hotter than a green cheese icicle. I will fake a trip there like masons
do, with duct tape, roofing felt, curtain rods & model airplane glue.
“You ******-lipped my stick” seems like an obscene observation to
make but it's not. It's a complicated dental procedure that has saved
the teeth of millions of chiggers. So, the next time someone exits the
dentist's treatment room crying, “That mother-******' quack dentist
just trigger-lipped my stick!” you'll thank Lord Jesus on your knees.
I was drinking beer with a mentally-******* woman in a bar near a
garbage dump 3 years ago, 21 days after Valentine's Day in Ohio or
some other place when for no sane reason she handed me her purse
because she was going to become a man. I bought another beer and
punched her in the ****. “Why did you do that?!” She demanded to
know. “You know why!” I exclaimed. “Yeah” she responded sadly,
“soon my **** will be turned into a huge *****, larger than a school
bus.” Even though I didn't see her or her **** again I'll never forget
this mentally-******* woman whose **** I punched, 3 years ago in
a bar near a garbage dump, after Valentine's Day in Ohio, probably.
Here is a query from Negroidal Africa's Gold Coast: “Could a wild,
intra-****** hemorrhoid, under neo-C.I.A. remote control, free itself,
wriggle up to the pulsing throat unfelt & throttle its sleeping host?”
What is that? Let me taste it. It is not peanut butter and it's not dog-
****. I have a cat. Oh, then it must be cat-****. It's such a great joy to
solve a baffling mystery like Sherlock Holmes did when he was not
shacked up with crapped-out Graham Chapman. It was David Sher-
lock, not Sherlock Holmes! Sherlock Holmes was hitched to young
Shirley Temple before her ***-bags exploded & killed Buddy Epsen.

"Are you **** Pleasureman's wife, Sandy?" A **** Pleasureman fan begged to know. "Yes, I am," Sandy replied automatically, if not robotically. "I've just read 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘈𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘞𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯 𝘞𝘩𝘰 𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘎𝘰𝘵 𝘙𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘍𝘦𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭 𝘗𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘰𝘯 and it was great!" The fan proclaimed fanatically. "You're very kind," Sandy replied warmly. "**** will be pleased." Later that day Sandy met **** at the bowling alley for lunch even though neither of them bowled except when forced to at gun-point by international terrorists.

Becky knew the gynecologist was concerned but it didn't matter because she was a wild child who partied down with criminal Negroes, and she didn't give a greasy **** who objected. "I'm going to the ghetto to thrill my homies," she told her back-up gynecologist who handled things when her primary gynecologist was in a coma. "You better not," Sarah Burgundy warned. "I was in the ghetto yesterday and the mood's pretty ugly there."

Who will be next??? Joe had to go, and any toilet would have to do. "Stop at that Texaco!" He ordered Randy, his close friend. "Gotcha Honey!" Randy exclaimed which sounded strange to the passenger in the back seat. Joe "let loose" with a big one and felt greatly relieved and immediately noticed that he couldn't get up because the toilet seat held him in place. "That's odd," he whispered to Randy who was standing close by. "What?" Randy asked. "I can't raise my **** from the toilet," Joe said. Later, they found out from a mutual friend that Texaco toilet seats are possessed by Satan. "You better become a Christian right away!" Randy urged and he was right.

It's called a micro-bikini and it's made in a foreign country where micro-bikinis are very expensive to make and then it's loaded onto a ship till the ship's so laden down with micro-bikinis that it just about sinks like the 𝘛𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘤 did and then it's shipped across six of the widest oceans in the world till it gets here for **** women like me to wear.

Narelle Atkins' book Falling For the Farmer changed my outlook on farmers. I thought that they were all bloated, cow-****-stinking retardates married to toothless crones plagued with sub-clinical glandular abnormalities, syndromic mal-absorbtion complaints & chronic-fluid-retention problems. But, according to "Narelle," farmers can possess good qualities. Indeed, for any broad who'd choose to suffer with endometriosis forever rather than to roll in the hay with an analphabetic, sister-*******, tobacco-chawin' hayseed, this novel will plug (and clog) your barren ports tighter than a Cuban baseball. ¡Viva Fidel y su hermano Raúl más la revolución de Irán! Come on masons: Hurry up & bury Luciferian Billy F. Graham as I can't hold my bowels much longer! Hurry up & plant the self-professed-demon-possessed Robin F. Williams as I won't contain this bladder much longer! Demanding queers demand that the perfectly-normal commonweal of Wisconsin change its inoffensive name to Wussconsin.

Ch. 1 : “Of course I don't like war, but Mexico is asking for it...”
My left knee hurt and I knew that I'd need left-knee surgery when I returned to the palace. Fortunately my mother, who is the queen of England, wasn't home so I hung my ****** on the throne to air out. It was just 2 minutes later when the red phone rang: “Mexico has dropped a couple of nuclear H bombs on Pakistan.”; “*******!” I exclaimed. I immediately contacted central command. “This is the prince of England! I want 70,000 soldiers dispatched to Mexico right now!!!”; “Yes sir!” Said the guy on the other end.

Ch. 2 : Cindy's *** puckered like a strangled duck unused to French bread dough. “Did you order the attack on Mexico?” She asked.
   “Yes I did Cindy. As prince of England I see it as my duty.”
   “I love you,” Cindy said, “more than I love God.”
   “Thanks Cindy, but I'm not God, I'm only the prince of England.”

Ch. 3 : “Royal Duties Beyond the Horizon”
My attack on Mexico saved billions of lives in Pakistan and the king of Pakistan knew it. He called me as soon as he could.
   “Please your royal, highly-worshiped Prince of England,” he began, “accept the gratitude of the people of Pakistan for what you have done to save them from being killed by Mexicans.”
   “You're welcome,” I said. “I was simply doing my job as prince of England. Let's pray that Mexico has learned her lesson.”

Ch. 4 : “Mexico Apologizes”
It didn't take long for 𝘦𝘭 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦 of Mexico to see the error of his ways. In a letter sent to me from the president's house in Mexico City, the president wrote: Dear Prince of England: I'm so sorry for dropping a couple of nuclear H bombs on Pakistan the other day. I don't know why I did it. I promise Sir Royal Prince of England that I won't ever do it again. Please forgive me. I am really sorry.
~ Sincerely, the president of Mexico

Ch. 5 : “Apology Accepted”
As the prince of England I know that nobody's perfect, not even the president of Mexico. I accepted his apology on behalf of the people of Pakistan whom the president of Mexico had dropped a couple of  nuclear H bombs on several days ago.

a chef put a bag of garbage on top of his wife's grave. Raccoons found it, dug up the corpse and through the magic of Jesus returned the dead woman to vibrant life and then she got **** enhancements and star-billing in fifteen ***** movies before getting eaten by Pygmy cannibals.

Tina was stacked up like a mountain since her lower back developed a crack. "Stand up!" Pete demanded when nobody was looking directly at him for some reason. "I can't!" Tina protested even though her **** was perfectly normal. "How's your ****?" Vicky asked like she was a nurse, which she wasn't. "It looks good from here," Donna butted in while her big **** took up half the couch. Carl smiled. His big teeth were so fake that everybody wanted to **** him. "I'm going to Wendy's for a rat burger," Fred T. Jenkins informed the group, even though they were partially deaf in one or two ears.

I found a box of abandoned puppies alongside the road, so I put them on my porch for a minute to find milk inside to feed them. When I came back out, they were gone. Somebody had snatched them. It looks like I won't be opening my fresh puppy meat roadside stand tomorrow.

PREPARING FOR THE INEVITABLE! What to do if the pope dies in your double-wide trailer: (1) Remain calm. Panicking will not help. (2) Place the corpse on the floor and cover it with a rug or blanket. Do not use one that's grey! (3) Contact a local priest or bishop (if available) and inform him in English that the pope has crapped-out in your trailer (give him the trailer court's Vatican code). (4) Do not remove jewelry (or snip off a wee bit of the pope's toe, finger, earlobe, nose-tip or *****) as a souvenir or keep-sake! (5) Place a Bible under the cadaver's head instead of a pillow.

The warm wind swept across the stern as the young adventurous couple (both ex-lesbians) passionately French kissed each other till their lips were sore. "Pass the tanning lotion," Eva said while Betty uncrossed her elbows. Later, after a good sleep, the Coast Guard arrived to offer (free of charge) three ex-lesbian boat safety lessons. "No thanks to that, because we're ex-ex-lesbians now!" Eva proclaimed like she was totally crazy or something.

SEE WHAT REAL MEN ARE MADE OF at the autopsy exhibit. Food, fun and beer-swigging for all ticket-holders! Don't sit in the rain when you can be enjoying family-friendly Viet Cong-style executions! **** a ****** for mommy while large badgers claw at your entrails! Deep-throat a "big one" in a bread truck! ***** mysterious women with no clothes on! It's all for charity: Saint Jude's Cancer Torture Hospital!

Did you see that? See what? That elephant! No! There it is again and it's coming right at us! Oh my God, it killed you and now it's going to **** me and the reason you didn't see it, as it was killing you, is because it's totally transparent. How could this have happened? I just stopped believing in God! Don't be like that! The totally transparent elephant is so misunderstood. He doesn't **** out of hatred! He kills for love, like Oprah. Is that why Oprah's elephant-shaped? Yes, exactly. Oprah is just like you and me except much bigger. Here, this is an old map of Yugoslavia. It's big enough to hold 4,000 women like Oprah, and here is another country that's on the Yugoslavian border; a country that produces transparent elephants, the deadly kind. I see. Are you saying that Oprah has the ovaries of an elephant? Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

I COULDN'T EAT FRENCH FRIES FOR 3 WEEKS! I enquired about a room for rent. The crone said it was private except that I'd have to share the bed with an ex-urologist who will insist on holding my wiener while I urinate. That sounded odd to me. Well anyway, I looked the place over and decided to give it a go on a trial basis for 17 months. I moved in immediately and, of course, had to *** really bad. 𝘖𝘩 𝘯𝘰, I thought, but in the end, it became a habit. Having an ex-urologist hold your wiener while you *** isn't something that most people have experienced. It's like eating a homosexual-meat hamburger at a homosexual cannibal picnic with a beautiful woman who's ten times stronger than Arnold Schwarzenegger and **** Van **** combined.

(1) A neck tattoo shows the world that you have a neck tattoo! (2) Hot chicks who didn't like you before will change their minds and do a one-eighty or a three-sixty or a seven-twenty. (3) Expect a huge pay raise! It's going to happen! (4) A tattooed neck is a zillion times sexier than shin-bone implants. (5) Tattoos tell the world that you don't follow the rules because you're a rebel. (6) Ugly people will look at you and want to jump into a warm pond full of hungry alligators because they're so jealous of the beauty that tattoos have given you.