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BLACK LIVES MATTER & STUFF THAT HAPPENED WITH MY GIRLFRIEND ~ I awoke from the brutal punches to my face. My girlfriend just kept punching me in the face and with each punch she would scream, “Black lives matter!” This went on for several minutes, “Black lives matter! “Black lives matter!” until I kicked her hard enough to knock her unconscious. She lay twisted between the bed & nightstand where I continued to kick her in the ribs while yelling, “No they don't! No they don't!”

I just saw Disney's 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘔𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘞𝘦𝘥𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘎𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘔𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘢 𝘝𝘪𝘳𝘨𝘪𝘯 𝘗𝘳𝘦𝘨𝘯𝘢𝘯𝘵 and it wasn't as good as the original cartoon from 1937. Rancid Daycare played the ******, and she was so spiteful that I put my ******-replacement plans on hold.

THE LAND OF VEGETABLES AND NAKED WOMEN - The **** nakedness and the naked ****** of unclothed women frightened Paco as he lumbered north to freedom and endless possibilities. One day soon he'd be covered in naked women and fresh vegetables in the land of plenty as his friends in Venezuela starved to death with no naked women covering them.

THE ******* ZOO ADMINISTRATOR had a medical certificate that allowed her to be bare-breasted while administering the affairs of the zoo. Nobody questioned that but 1 day, while she was scrubbing her ******* with anti-chafing ointment, the zoo's assistant administrator Nig McJohnson suddenly fell in love with her and a few short minutes later they were locked in romantic embrace. "Oh Nig, how I've longed for your manly touch," Ann, the administrator cooed. Nig smiled at her passionately. "Your gold teeth are so precious," Ann continued, while Nig unleashed the mega-sensual powers of an assistant administrator.

For Sale: JAN BRADY MANNEQUIN from the original 𝘉𝘳𝘢𝘥𝘺 𝘉𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘩 T.V. series, comes with sixteen authenticated Jacques Cousteau ****-straps autographed by Ted Knight (star of 𝘊𝘢𝘥𝘥𝘺𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘤𝘬 & 𝘛𝘰𝘰 𝘊𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘊𝘰𝘮𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵) - $2,000 (U.S.)

was an ex-lesbian from Canton (the city in Ohio). One day, as they were both revving their car engines, Juanita threw a beer bottle at a cop who was squatting behind a fire hydrant taking a **** (the cop, not the fire hydrant, was taking a ****). "You can't throw a beer bottle at a cop *******!" The ex-lesbian neighbor exclaimed because she was a crazy-*** cop-lover.

WORMS absorbing each other is not what worms do; absorption, adsorption, climbing up and down my *** like crazy-*** people. As soon as I get where I'm going I'm going back.

MA AND PA SAW THE RAW FLAW IN UTAH ****** LAW- Daddy, what makes the wind go so fast? Is it the weather chick on T.V.? Is it her largeness and beauty, or her big ones where most women have small ones? I love the open spaces that Utah has and the women there who wear loads of underwear because it's colder than an ice cube frozen in another ice cube.

During an ex-lesbian exhibition (or exposition) at the library, Tanya & Tammy decided to become ex-lesbians immediately. From now on, no more of "that." That night as the crickets made noise, and the toilet gurgled nonstop, Tanya turned to whisper advice to Tammy: "Ex-lesbian activity can be taught. The other day I found a shopping cart with a pizza in it, so I ate it. I had never eaten a shopping cart before, but I did it without hesitation." Tammy smiled sweetly parting her lips just enough for Tanya to do "stuff." Jimmy, who had been secretly listening on the far end of the bed, suddenly had an epileptic seizure. "Quickly Tammy!" Tanya exclaimed. "Steal the money from his wallet!" And later, after the twitching stopped, Tammy & Tanya took Jimmy's stolen money and drove to the nearest ex-lesbian dance hall to enjoy a little "one-on-one" to the disco music of the late Olivia Newton-John.

The I.R.S. demanded my *****-enhancement story or else! Okay, okay. I was orphaned at 4 when I was young, living on cottage cheese in a city far away. My mother was dead, dead tired. My daddy was a gifted homosexual who hated men. One day, when I was 27, dad went to work at the Colgate factory and never came back. 2 hours later my favorite tooth fell out and I swallowed it. It was pretty good, but I didn't have enough teeth to last for more than a week at 13 meals per tooth. Anyhow, dad came home and mom was so happy that she kissed him on the porch instead of the lips. That porch still stands with kiss-marks all over it. Someone told me that I needed ***** surgery to make me more beautiful than I already was so I hopped a train for ***** City where all the good ***** surgeons are. Shortly thereafter my favorite high school gym teacher was eaten by cannibal Pygmies, and I cried for 3 months.

I loved you a million times more than your half-sister ever did before you backed over me with your Mack truck. "Sorry," you said. "Are you okay?" You asked. "Sure, I'm fine. I'll feel better after I have my crushed legs amputated." I replied, emotionally hurt and wondering about our future together.

Young Kyle Martin had a student loan to consider when his second cousin Ingrid appeared unexpectantly from eastern Sweden one night while he was washing his pud. "What are you doing with your pud?" She asked all innocent like. "Oh, just tidying it up a little," Kyle answered. "Here, let me help. In Sweden we use a large rag tied to a camper trailer hitch," she informed with a healthy grin as her nay-nays swayed rhythmically like they used to in Sweden when she milked reindeer for her uncle.

Well, after the sponging down and lathering up, the original group of obese ex-lesbians are brought in by bus. Several grenades are rigged with trip-wires, just in case. The 𝘦𝘹𝘹𝘦𝘳𝘴 are told to change into modest 1-piece swim-suits that were made in Mexico, so ignore the taco stains, and enter a pool on the shallow end. Once in, large hoagies are placed on a table. If the 𝘦𝘹𝘹𝘦𝘳𝘴 can look away for 5 full minutes, they'll be released free and clear.

Joan always looked 20 years younger than she was. One day (while she was shaving her bikini zone) a small mail man (no bigger than a gallon jug of grape juice) knocked on her door. "Who's there?" She asked in abject horror. "Don't be horrified. It's just me, a small mail man," came the answer. "I'm shaving as closely as I can right now to my ****," Joan responded. "Come back tomorrow or the next day." The mail man was horrifically confused by the situation and left the United States for several years to seek psychiatric treatment in Cuba or Morocco.

a chef put a bag of garbage on top of his wife's grave. Raccoons found it, dug up the corpse and through the magic of Jesus returned the dead woman to vibrant life and then she got **** enhancements and star-billing in fifteen ***** movies before getting eaten by Pygmy cannibals.

Nibco Turnip and his brother Frank made their way up the mountain without shoes even though the trail was frozen and colder than a monkey's **** in Finland. "Pass the petroleum jelly please and hurry!" Lorraine demanded. Frank did as commanded because he was afraid and alone except for the others who were with him. Quickly Lorraine lubricated her ****-crack with generous gobs till she was ready for the dangerous gerbils that Richard Gere's third cousin had in his suitcase. "I'm telling you for the ninety-eighth billionth time that I don't have gerbils in there!" He proclaimed with a believable passion that only crippled ex-lesbians from eastern New Mexico would fall for.

Your fur is so soft, just like a walrus. Do they have fur? Who? Walruses. How the cluster-**** would I know?! Well, you said they did. Did what? Have fur. No I didn't. Yes you did. Read the first sentence. Okay. 𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘶𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘰 𝘴𝘰𝘧𝘵, 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘶𝘴. Alright, I did.

Well, of course, I'm no Dalton Trumbo, but I'll give it the old college try. Great. You'll need to limit blood-flow to the back where the nerves are clustered. Okay. What about the anterior fallopioids? Well since 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘱𝘪𝘰𝘪𝘥𝘴 isn't a word, I suggest that you concern yourself with the uterine tubes or oviducts. Alright already! Climb down off my ***!

MOWING DOWN THE PAST - Our relationship ended when you stole my lawn mower. I knew it was you because of the way your grass looked. "You stole it!" I exclaimed, out of my mind. You denied it and said that your lawn mower looked like mine but it wasn't. That's a lie and you know it! I bought that mower 4 years ago during the mower shortage. That's why it cost so much. I did everything in the world for that mower and now it's gone: trapped in your tool shed and I hate you for that.

BIG BOB'S SURVIVAL TESTIMONY - In the first few days I survived exclusively on light-weight birds. I would have one for brunch (as I often skipped breakfast because of **** warts), and another for early supper. I had a cigarette lighter shaped like Regis Philbin (or Mary Philbin) that saved me from bear-attack. When the bear was hibernating, I lit his fur (killing him till he died). On the seventeenth day, I woke up to the awful sound of a feminist advocating abortion while stopping traffic with her big **** because she hated global warming so much that it made her want to have yearly abortions for some reason.