I saw you in a raft sleeping while I was awake on Fake Snake Lake.
I saw you sleeping when I was awake in a boat on Snake Egg Lake.
I saw you napping when I was awake in a ship on Earthquake Lake.
I saw that you were deep asleep when I was wide awake in a ******
boat motoring across the wildest sections of East Rattlesnake Lake.

If you had killed John Lennon, that could be a starting point for all conversations: “That reminds me of the time that I killed John Lennon!” Or: “Since I killed John Lennon, how the world's changed.” Or even: “I swear the cost of owning a high-performance car is significantly more than when I killed John Lennon, I can tell you.”; “I'll never forget that Tuesday, it was the one just before I killed John Lennon.”; “Hand me my gun...the one next to the one that I killed John Lennon with.”

Substitutions, approximations & affiliations make my flat **** tired
among the countless ***** bank kiddies my "donations" have sired
with mucked up & mired résumé-writers happily ****** up & fired
who reject the notion that a Dutchman'll never quit a job once hired
We march in jackboots to combat the foot ball neuromas of Morton
that force us on long marches to stop, cut, soak our heels & shorten
the queer couplin' betwixt Gavin Gordon & Edward Everett Horton

Tina held an important position at the bean cannery, and she loved Todd a lot since first seeing him eat a can of beans without farting. "Todd?" She beckoned. "Yes Tina," he answered followed by a ****. "What was that?" She asked with a hint of suspicion. "Oh nothing," he answered with an innocence that made her fall in love with him a second time. "Here, I bought this hand grenade for you. It's very dangerous to have and could easily **** you," he said. "Thanks Todd. You're so considerate." Later, after a shirt change (or shift change) at the beanery, these 2 young lovers found a quiet place behind an abandoned Kmart to make sweet love on a blanket that was shoplifted from Walmart. It was like a romantic movie with women in it who are ex-lesbians.

HOW TO GET A PART-TIME JOB THAT PAYS 2 MILLION DOLLARS PER HOUR [WARNING: this is not a full-time position!] Are you tired of working for THE MAN? Would you rather eat dog **** than face another minute working for THE MAN? Well, you're not alone. There's someone behind you! Watch out! He has a knife!

Here, have a creamy bowl of super-hot oatmeal while I remove this rat from a trap. Thanks. Have you lived here long? 6 months. My father used to **** hitch-hikers when I was in the navy. Where's your mother? Dead. Eaten by cannibal Pygmies when I was 27.

ENGLAND AND THE ROYAL GLAND - Diana kept 2 embalmed weasels in her royal underwear drawer "just in case" and Charles did likewise. The queen was very concerned because this tradition (the weasel thing) was started during the Great War and should've ended with it but it didn't. Later, after the queen crapped-out, Charles had his glandular prostate difficulties that shocked the world. Crude drawings of the inflamed part (of his prostate gland) were made by school children. Young Tommy Walters won a trip to the Bermuda Triangle. Everybody cheered.

After 358 heart attacks, actor Burt Lancaster took a few weeks off to
enjoy a "working vacation" which was primarily unloading bricks
by hand off 24 sinking ships in the Thracian Sea during a hurricane.

[We can't use sea water to extinguish the fires because sea water hurts grass and shrubs. You hammered me like a hammer salesman for several hours till I bought a crate of them. It's like living in Cuba with a Lithuanian. Four to eight drops (dissolved in water) of Lugol's oral iodine taken daily will lessen the symptoms of psoriasis.] "Oprah!" Gayle shouted. "Your skin is like circus tent canvas spread across the parking lot after dogs peed on it for five days and your feet are remindful of dark rail spikes bleached in battery acid after being submersed in a corrosive concoction of Morton salt and dog ***!" Oprah smiled to reveal large teeth untouched by time. "Oh Gayle, my affection for you is more powerful than ten maniacs with dog ointment skating across Lake Superior in January; more powerful than thirty huge white women with toe nail clippers eating frogs in Paris while their ex-lesbian nurses bathe in the hottest water under a bridge that's falling to pieces and killing people." Just then Oprah's brother Frank entered the room with his ****, ex-lesbian girlfriend. "Oprah, I need a million dollars and I need it right away!" He exclaimed as his ex-lesbian girlfriend gave the two women there the evil eye. "Sure Frank, it's up my ******," O whispered which seemed impossible till Gayle said that it really was up there.

(something that fat truck drivers have been doing for 90 years) - Truck drivers know all the short-cuts when it comes to making the toilet seat experience pleasurable and memorable. As you know, till 1998 Sears had triple-thick toilet seats in their rest rooms south of Chatanooga. This was no accident! The planners were well aware of Walmart's inevitable rise to supreme market ascendancy and so the "toilet seat thing," warming them like a toaster, was a necessity. So the next time you're 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘪𝘦, 𝘣𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘨𝘳𝘶𝘮𝘱𝘺 𝚘𝚛 𝘣𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘻𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘉𝘢𝘣𝘺 𝘙𝘶𝘵𝘩, remember: diesel fuel isn't just for powering big rigs, it's also great for heating toilet seats.

THE DAY MY MOTHER TRIED TO **** ME WITH ADVANCED MEGA-STRENGTH! Nobody wants to be killed by their mother with advanced mega-strength except ex-lesbians and weirdos. I was in the attic sorting through brassieres & girdles when suddenly I was attacked by my mother. Yes! She had been bitten by a vampire in Venezuela and was thirsty for blood. Hurriedly, or even quickly, I crossed 2 marijuana cigarettes to form a cross and then I karate-chopped her across the shin and she died. I certainly learned a valuable lesson that day.

Valerie giggled as Fred tickled her wart-free **** with a feather. "I can't believe how wart-free your **** is," Fred commented. "It's pretty nice. Ain't it?" Val answered as feathers fell from a nearby tree like it was a sign from God or something.

Fred Pittsburgh (Pittsburgh's founder) removed the bandage with a mighty tug that nearly drove Valerie, an ex-lesbian, back into the hairy arms of a gym teacher. "Sorry 'bout that," Fred whispered as the Korean army led by Mao Tse-Tung wandered by with large medical boxes full of ****** pamphlets written to convince no one.