MY MOST UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENT WITH AN EX- TEAMSTER - I was sitting in my sports car, eating a chicken McNugget that a chicken had to die to provide, when a monstrous killer (like Ted Bundy) approached me with a Taco Bell taco. "How much?" I asked. "I would never sell it. It belonged to my grandma who died before I was born. She loved this taco and named it Chuck, Chuck the Taco, sometimes Chucky," the killer said who could've been an ex-teamster who loved lesbians even though it amounted to nothing.

TIMMY AND THE ABANDONED MINE SHAFT - Look out Timmy! It's an abandoned mine shaft! I know. I read the title. There should be a sign saying ABANDONED MINE SHAFT but there isn't for some reason that's unknown to me at this time. Maybe someone stole it? If only we could replace the stolen sign with a shiny new one? But how? The sign store's closed, just like the underwear shop. Let's pray for a sign. Maybe Jesus will tell us what to do? Maybe. Jesus is busy, what with Christmas 6 weeks away. Yes. What about Mohammed? He's always available. Sure, we could try Him. Do you know any Mohammedans? A few of my ex-lesbian lovers worshiped Him. What are their names? Cathy with a C and Lolla with 3 L's. Contact them now while I try on these **** bikini briefs. Okay.

Tammy's *** was so big that people living on top of the Empire State Building would puke after eating noodle soup whenever they were drunk. 1 day, Tammy & her brother Earl, ate a lobster that wasn't 100% dead which triggered Tammy's puke-reflex a lot. Her **** wiggled a little bit but nobody kiled themselves. [Shut up and climb down off my ***! It's a typo! I meant killed.]

“We need 5 tons of manure!” Kyle X. Manure informed his brother
Mark. “5 tons?!” Mark groaned, as he strained with all his might to
push out the biggest **** in the history of pushing out big turds just
to please Kyle who was on a nearby toilet eating a huge hamburger.

I was sleeping in ***** when Kamala Harris came over to me with her arms outstretched. In her hands she had 4 pounds of raw dog liver. "I'm offering you raw dog liver," she said like an angel from Heaven. Another time, there was a large woman waiting for a bus in the rain when Kamala came over with a large bag of raccoon guts. "Here, eat these **** guts and be happy," she advised, and the large woman did, and she was very happy.

I heard truck drivers make the best lovers. Yes, I heard that too but it's probably not true. How about people who work at Sea World? Maybe. What about crippled people who are near death? Yes, what about them? Are they good for anything? Of course. They can be sanded and painted and last for years without rusting. Do you have an uncle in the navy? No. Me too. If I did, I'd smother him with ****** kisses till he couldn't take it any longer. So would I. I saw your cousin at the cemetery, crying. Yes, that's because they fired him.

SEE WHAT REAL MEN ARE MADE OF at the autopsy exhibit. Food, fun and beer-swigging for all ticket-holders! Don't sit in the rain when you can be enjoying family-friendly Viet Cong-style executions! **** a ****** for mommy while large badgers claw at your entrails! Deep-throat a "big one" in a bread truck! ***** mysterious women with no clothes on! It's all for charity: Saint Jude's Cancer Torture Hospital!

(1) Find a document with your birthday on it. (2) Subtract your birth-year from the current year. (3) If the number of years is a number that ends in "teen" (like fifteen), then you are still a teenager unless your twentieth birthday has already passed.

Ball-twisting fun can be yours for 23%-off or no money down. Just pay 45 easy payments of $57 per week for 72 weeks or $99 per day for 3 years and you'll be sitting pretty in the most comfortable chair ever made! Built by dangerous Pygmy cannibals on an island somewhere, this chair features a built-in meat grinder and sinew stripper! You'll be eating people raw in no time with no questions asked, so hurry now or go to bed alone with an ex-lesbian with short fingers.

Clara could hardly face Steve again because of what happened in Albania when they were dating. "It was your idea to fly to Albania for lunch last August!" Clara exclaimed in her defense while Steve picked his nose with a pencil. "That's another thing!" She yelled in a high voice that totally perplexed Steve in a confusing way.

My dead mother's friend Gene loved World War 2 a lot, more than his grandson loved ******* and ***. One day Gene was in the yard killing a mole with a rake when Jimmy, the grandson, brought over an enormous birthday cake that read: "Happy Birthday Grandpa!" The cake was from Publix. Jimmy didn't shoplift it. It cost $15. Lots of junkies are caring people who love their grandparents a lot. A few days later there was another mole in Gene's yard and, out of the goodness of his heart, Jimmy smashed it flatter than a pancake with a shovel.

Are you going on vacation with your boyfriend? This is a good time to use the menstrual cycle "speeder-upper"! It's fast! It's fun! It's like eating ice cream in a haunted house.

"Just a minute there," Hanna Barbera said to her normal gynecologist, "you're not my normal gynecologist." The gynecologist smiled, his big yellow teeth reflecting natural sunshine like bikini models eating breakfast in France do. "I am your normal gynecologist. You just don't recognize me because I had my nose straightened. You see, it all happened 44 years ago when I was a wee lad in Canada. My father was a tall man, 7 feet high, and my mama was a ******, no bigger than a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich. Well one day, while I was having my left thumb cut off by the Mafia, the Korean War started again. I rose to my feet and ran to the army department to become a gynecologist. Years passed and my thumb slowly grew back on and now I'm the greatest gynecologist in the world and women love me a lot."

DON'T MESS WITH ME or I'll use my grave-digging knowledge to **** you and my karate knowledge to dig your grave!

JESUS HAS COME BACK! It's the end of the world! What will we use for toilet paper?! Sand paper! Sand paper?! It's going to be rough...

UNMEASURABLE ROMANTIC DEVOTION! I'm totally lost in a fantasy world of your eternal love. Your kisses are like soft rays of moon light illuminating my ****** in a bowling alley. Your precious smile is brighter than 34 billion candles on the bottom of Lake Erie 3 days after Halloween.

THE VERY **** BOWLING ALLEY - Donna worked at a bowling alley for nymphomaniacs. Every morning she brushed her teeth before riding a pony to work. Her lover, Frank, was also a bowling alley employee and together they ate pork sandwiches for lunch while engaging in nymphomaniacal activity on lane six. 1 day, as their boss lay dying from the fatal bite of a king cobra, Donna went into a convulsion: writhing and flopping around like a fish in the lobby. Tons of fat people gathered around her, unable to move quickly because of their hyper-adiposity. Fortunately Framk, who had recently replaced the N in his name with an M, said: "Hang in there Donna!" to encourage Donna to hang in there. 3 days after that the bowling alley burned down because a fat woman went into a convulsion while warming up a pork sandwich with a candle.

ELDERLY WOMAN seeks young buck for nymphomaniacal activities (bowling alley ***). Must be able to heat pork-sandwich meat with candles without burning down the bowling alley.

MY DENTIST has more caps than I do and yet he knows how to avoid tooth decay. Never "twist off" a tumor no matter how much fun it might be. Treat tumors like warts, with warty respect. I don't know the adjective for tumor.

ADD EAR WAX THE EASY WAY! Are your ears low on wax? Mine are. I've tried everything: elephant *****, monkey-*** mites, and still my wax-levels remain dangerously low. I could die from ear wax fever if I don't do something right away! So yesterday I contacted doctor Clem Butter-**** whose work in ear wax replenishment is known in lots of places. He suggested that I jump off the observation platform of the Empire State Building with no clothes on. I asked how that would remedy my wax-deficit, and he said it wouldn't but he'd be there to photograph the entire fall for his new book: 𝙁𝙞𝙡𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙎𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝘿𝙪𝙢𝙗 𝘾𝙪𝙣𝙩 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙉𝙤 𝙀𝙖𝙧 𝙒𝙖𝙭 𝙇𝙚𝙖𝙥 𝙤𝙛𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙀𝙢𝙥𝙞𝙧𝙚 𝙎𝙩𝙖𝙩𝙚 𝘽𝙪𝙞𝙡𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜.

JOE BIDEN TOOK 10 TESTS PER DAY FOR 8 MONTHS TO PROVE THAT HE'S NOT SENILE (not even a little bit). Jill was there and so was Hunter, each of them witnessed how well Joe did. He answered all of the questions with ease. He's very sharp, like a spinal surgeon or a Subaru mechanic.

LAST TUESDAY I woke up and there was a big horse's head in bed with me. It was just like in that Mafia movie. I skinned it and mixed in noodles & cheese sauce. Pretty good, though not as good as mutilated monkey meat. It's a Dream Land trick! Run from the light, my skinny, blonde chick!

I woke up and there was a big horse's head in bed with me. It was just like in that Mafia movie. I skinned it and mixed it with noodles and cheese sauce. Pretty good, though not as good as mutilated monkey meat.

JOE BIDEN TOOK 10 TESTS PER DAY FOR 8 MONTHS TO PROVE THAT HE'S NOT SENILE (not even a little bit). Jill was there and so was Hunter, each of them witnessed how well Joe did. He answered all of the questions with ease. He's very sharp, like a spinal surgeon or a Subaru mechanic.

Are your ears low on wax? Mine are. I've tried everything: elephant *****, monkey-*** mites, and still my wax-levels remain dangerously low. I could die from ear wax fever if I don't do something right away! So yesterday I contacted doctor Clem Butter-**** whose work in ear wax replenishment is known in lots of places. He suggested that I jump off the observation platform of the Empire State Building with no clothes on. I asked how that would remedy my wax-deficit, and he said it wouldn't but he'd be there to photograph the entire fall for his new book: 𝙁𝙞𝙡𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙎𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝘿𝙪𝙢𝙗 𝘾𝙪𝙣𝙩 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙉𝙤 𝙀𝙖𝙧 𝙒𝙖𝙭 𝙇𝙚𝙖𝙥 𝙤𝙛𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙀𝙢𝙥𝙞𝙧𝙚 𝙎𝙩𝙖𝙩𝙚 𝘽𝙪𝙞𝙡𝙙𝙞𝙣𝙜.

secure & provide ****** for nickels on the half-shell. One of my females is dead. It's tragic but it ain't no Dresden. It ain't the cholera of Paris in 1832 or 1848. Pimps are ponces it's true, cyanogenetic, cobalt-blue films prove it as surely as the seeds of common North American fruits (save citrus) and leafy greens abound in hydrocyanic acid yet cause not hydrocyanism: poisoning with hydrocyanic acid.

Donna worked at a bowling alley for nymphomaniacs. Every morning she brushed her teeth before riding a pony to work. Her lover, Frank, was also a bowling alley employee and together they ate pork sandwiches for lunch while engaging in nymphomaniacal activity on lane six. 1 day, as their boss lay dying from the fatal bite of a king cobra, Donna went into a convulsion: writhing and flopping around like a fish in the lobby. Tons of fat people gathered around her, unable to move quickly because of their hyper-adiposity. Fortunately Framk, who had recently replaced the N in his name with an M, said: "Hang in there Donna!" to encourage Donna to hang in there. 3 days after that the bowling alley burned down because a fat woman went into a convulsion while warming up a pork sandwich with a candle.

I'm totally lost in a fantasy world of your eternal love. Your kisses are like soft rays of moon light illuminating my ****** in a bowling alley. Your precious smile is brighter than 34 billion candles on the bottom of Lake Erie 3 days after Halloween.