800 trillion centuries ago God sent His teen daughter into the forest
to gather pine needles for a heavenly tea that every angel in Heaven
hated a lot but pretended to like so that God wouldn't brutally whip
them to death with a leather strop or throw them out of a helicopter
with no parachute. Jennifer, God's 14-year-old daughter, carried the
heavy tray with tea cups & stuff into the dining room but tripped &
fell & broke her leg. Well, God was so ******* that he killed 150
people & burned all of their houses & flimsy wood sheds down & a
few bowling alleys too. Jennifer was frightened & told her Dad that
He was too harsh on those poor people & so He told her to shut up.

by David Bowie

Oogie knew there's never ever time
Some of us will always stay behind
𝗗𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗶𝗻 𝘀𝗽𝗮𝗰𝗲, 𝗶𝘁'𝘀 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝟭𝟵𝟴𝟮
The joke we always knew
Oh, what'sa matter with you?
C'mon, let's go
Slip away

You toyed with my fragile emotions like a fluffy kitten chasing a green bug into the River of Emptiness where unemployed crocodiles and man-eating pastry chefs play football with Jimmy Hoffa's calcified liver that can't be softened with peroxide and vinegar.

I saw a beautiful film of Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt making uninhibited love on the beach a week before "the accident." It was so touching. Dale was all smiles as he professed his eternal love to Richard who asked him if he was a homosexual.

SPANKING A SWEDISH COUSIN - Young Kyle Martin had a student loan to consider when his second cousin Ingrid appeared unexpectantly from eastern Sweden one night while he was washing his pud. "What are you doing with your pud?" She asked all innocent like. "Oh, just tidying it up a little," Kyle answered. "Here, let me help. In Sweden we use a large rag tied to a camper trailer hitch," she informed with a healthy grin as her nay-nays swayed rhythmically like they used to in Sweden when she milked reindeer for her uncle.

Jan wanted to see the ground saturated with albino tears. Without knowing whether albinos had tear ducts, she jogged to the nearest albino-only penitentiary to infiltrate the strange world of ALBINOS IN JAIL CELLS. Young Jimmy Henderson righted himself on the unicycle to impress Cindy Brady, who was entering Big Bob's Nursing Academy in the spring to study lactation. "Look at me Cindy! I'm going to injure my **** forever if I go faster!" He exclaimed righteously like he was God again. (He was God for 3 years 10 years ago, so claimed his job application with Tiny Tim's Pneumatic ***** Pumps.)

Go ahead and cry Teresa Teng look-alike in your moldy grass hut till your Taiwanese eyes swell completely shut because I'll be traveling north in the morning after the sun comes out with a bellyful of steamed brown rice and sautéed rainbow trout.

Yes, those are important ****** muscles that allow me to lift old women above my head and slam them to the ground. Yes, those are the same ones Tonto Schwartzennegro uses when he's angry at Investor Alone from the 𝘏𝘰𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘺 movies.

THE STORY OF BOB, THE GENEROUS TRILLIONAIRE - Mister Bob, with the extra scoop of ice cream it'll be three dollars and sixty-seven cents. What?! Three dollars and sixty-seven cents?! That's outrageous! Prepare to die! Just kidding. Here's three hundred thousand dollars. Holy Christ Bob! I thought you were going to **** me for a minute there. Thanks for the three hundred thousand dollars. Now I can get my ****** surgically tightened.

Mary & Madge lived under a bridge, sleeping beneath a canopy over a bed from the reign of the Sun King, Louis XIV in their expansive Paris chateau. "I'm so happy, now that we're trillionaires," Madge whispered because her plastic surgery face wounds still smarted. "Me too," Mary said as her ****** throbbed from four ******-improvement procedures.

THE BARBARITY OF SLAVERY - Mama, why are the Negroes around here so brutally violent? Because they have endured 400 years of slavery. But the Negroes around here, who will stab you in the throat if you look at them funny, are all in their twenties. Yes, slavery will do that to Negroes because they weren't allowed to vote and had to work all day picking cotton. I've never seen them pick anything but a fight. Yes, that's true, but you have to remember that slavery is in their blood. Imagine not being allowed to vote because it's cotton-picking season. Think how horrifyingly terrible and terrifyingly horrible that would be. Pretend you're an ex-lesbian who enjoys being with Negroes and having their babies and then one day several local slave-crazy Negroes attack you, destroying your luggage and pulling your wig off. Who would you blame? I guess you got me there. I should blame myself for not being a *****. I wish I could turn myself into ***** right now because I would do it. Me too.

Why I bread my fish! I bread it to symbolize the cruelty of no-fault divorce and the broken lives of women with no mechanical skills.  I bread my fish to end teen pregnancy and celebrate feminism and the lesbianism it generates. Yes, my fish will remain breaded till Europe and North Africa unite under the name Eurafri.

Take a whip and wherever it feels heated up by the summer sun beat it and whip it till it becomes cool and then when nobody's aware of you or your presence knock down the nearest cop and when he's down shower him with passionate kisses till he has zero need for *****-shortening surgery.

After a mad California cattle drive cowboys Clem and Butte went off together on vacation to eastern Alabama where he-men could be tough without having *****-shortening surgery every 5 minutes. "Clem," Butte began, "I've had several *****-shortening procedures since I became a cowboy 12 years ago and each time my ***** was shortened, I cried because the pain was so horrific." Clem smiled a desperate smile because he had known the same pain before marrying his step-sister Nellie whose beauty was so masculine that she looked like Zachary Taylor looked 7 years before being poisoned to death by Jesuit ****-gobblers in 1850.

is a fresh bag of manufactured teeth? Have you thought about getting replacement teeth? Will a full mouth of teeth land for you that high-end executive position that you and your ****-flippers crave? Are you completely out of molars & incisors? Fear not! Be brave and conquer the world of denture-making! My brother had dentures, and he never looked back because his neck was broken. Look! A man is like a car. He has feet (tires) and a steering wheel (shoulders) and a *****. Don't be left out in the rain! Defeat women by using their war plans against them. Pretend you're in a woman's birth canal in a small kayak when suddenly there's a volcano and a hurricane erupting and flooding your *** at the same time. What will you do? That's why packing heat (carrying a Glock) is more serious than ever.

MACRO-SCRAPE UNWANTED ***-FLESH and become a 10! Men will desire you while women will ***** in anger at your slim **** that was bigger than a coffee table 3 weeks ago. Are you tired of eating fish underwater? Well, you don't have to be tired of doing that anymore. With just 15 feet of fishing line, you can pull the fish to the surface and eat them on the ground after wiping them off of course.

FOR SALE: Gay bed (designed by the late Richard Simmons) for 2 gay men to sleep in. This bed has it all: pink cotton filling and extra loose springs for bouncy-bounciness. Order now for $1,000 or $500 plus 90 easy payments of $12.

I took my ***** to a movie because it was a whorish movie that she could relate to. She was so happy. I bought popcorn and Pepsi and together we watched enthralled. It was a great film with Tom Cruise as Brandon, a tough, *****-beaten homosexual with a death-wish and then there was Kandee, a tough, *****-beaten homosexual with a death-wish. Later, after arriving at her trailer, we recreated the important scenes from the movie, each of us using fake voices and wearing no underwear.