𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲: Poems

Jun 14 · 39

The I.R.S. disenfranchises thousands of American citizens over "improper" paperwork each year. Who cares?

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 14

The I.R.S. disenfranchises thousands of American citizens over "improper" paperwork each year. Who cares?

Jun 14 · 36

THE MEXICAN PRINCE

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 14

THE MEXICAN PRINCE

Daddy, was the dead singer Prince half-Mexican? No, he was
all-Mexican. I thought so. Was he a ******? Yes. I knew it!
I saw him in a magazine, and it was for midgets only.

Jun 14 · 42

WOULD JOHN LENNON

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 14

WOULD JOHN LENNON

STILL BE ALIVE TODAY
IF HE WASN'T DEAD?

The answer is YES. I have researched this subject thoroughly
(even consulting with a mortician) and I have concluded:
a person who is alive and has not died is NOT dead.

Jun 14 · 59

MARILYN MONROE'S FINAL WARNING

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 14

MARILYN MONROE'S FINAL WARNING

I have a skateboard that Marilyn Monroe used before she died. It has M.M. scribbled on it in crayon. Also, there's a suicide note taped on the underside that reads: 𝘏𝘪. 𝘐'𝘮 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘺𝘯 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘳𝘰𝘦. 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘬𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘣𝘰𝘢𝘳𝘥. 𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘣𝘪𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘵 𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘵 𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨. - 𝘚𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘺𝘯 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘳𝘰𝘦

Jun 14 · 41

Research: Debra Makel

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 14

Research: Debra Makel

Jun 14 · 42

TO SAVE MONEY

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 14

TO SAVE MONEY

on hormone storage fees, Karen wisely kept her hormones in a tin box that originally held Swedish cookies. When her friends visited, she could offer them hormones without having to call ahead to get old Gus to open the gate. "Don't you have to call old Gus to open the gate?" Tina asked. "Not anymore!" Karen giddily exclaimed because she was full of hormones, hormones that she kept in a tin box.

Jun 14 · 44

How to install a rain barrel on top of your uncle's rotting corpse. First, dig up Bob (your uncle). He's in a cemetery. Remove him from his crate, box, casket or coffin. Lower barrel onto him. Now you're ready!

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 14

How to install a rain barrel on top of your uncle's rotting corpse. First, dig up Bob (your uncle). He's in a cemetery. Remove him from his crate, box, casket or coffin. Lower barrel onto him. Now you're ready!

Jun 13 · 35

THE DEAD MIDGET - After John found a midget corpse in his driveway, he called the midget hotline at 1-800-Dead-Midget. Minnie, the junior operator, was helpful but decided to transfer the call to Shorty, a more experienced counselor.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

THE DEAD ****** - After John found a ****** corpse in his driveway, he called the ****** hotline at 1-800-Dead-******. Minnie, the junior operator, was helpful but decided to transfer the call to Shorty, a more experienced counselor.

Jun 13 · 52

NANCY PELOSI AND PAUL AND PAUL AND NANCY MCCARTNEY switched dance partners several times during the abortion soirée. Everybody needs an abortion when the time's right to have one, especially when the time's not right to have a baby.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

NANCY PELOSI AND PAUL AND PAUL AND NANCY MCCARTNEY switched dance partners several times during the abortion soirée. Everybody needs an abortion when the time's right to have one, especially when the time's not right to have a baby.

Jun 13 · 46

TOO MUCH STARSKY, NOT ENOUGH HUTCH

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

TOO MUCH STARSKY, NOT ENOUGH HUTCH

After Al Gore's "drinking problem" was resolved he began "taking up" or "keeping company" with large prostitutes. Lily was his favorite because of her long hair and missing foot. They were routinely seen "painting the town" arm-in-arm like Starsky and Hutch: speeding through narrow alleys in their 1976 Gran Torino, befriending pimps, and other cop stuff.

Jun 13 · 36

DAN'S BIG MISTAKE was wearing his martial arts groin protector backwards because he was playing a joke. The joke was on him though when he suffered a preventable groin injury because of what he did.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

DAN'S BIG MISTAKE was wearing his martial arts groin protector backwards because he was playing a joke. The joke was on him though when he suffered a preventable groin injury because of what he did.

Jun 13 · 54

𝗠𝗬 𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗟𝗘𝗦 𝗪𝗘𝗥𝗘 𝗣𝗜𝗖𝗞𝗘𝗗 𝗯𝘆 𝗠𝗲𝘅𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗻𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱: 𝗯𝗿𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝘀𝗲𝗲𝗱𝘀, 𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝗸𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝘁𝗼𝗼.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

𝗠𝗬 𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗟𝗘𝗦 𝗪𝗘𝗥𝗘 𝗣𝗜𝗖𝗞𝗘𝗗 𝗯𝘆 𝗠𝗲𝘅𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗻𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱: 𝗯𝗿𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝘀𝗲𝗲𝗱𝘀, 𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝗸𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝘁𝗼𝗼.

Jun 13 · 53

MAYBE WHAT YOU NEED

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

MAYBE WHAT YOU NEED

is a fresh bag of manufactured teeth? Have you thought about getting replacement teeth? Will a full mouth of teeth land for you that high-end executive position that you and your ****-flippers crave? Are you completely out of molars & incisors? Fear not! Be brave and conquer the world of denture-making! My brother had dentures, and he never looked back because his neck was broken. Look! A man is like a car. He has feet (tires) and a steering wheel (shoulders) and a *****. Don't be left out in the rain! Defeat women by using their war plans against them. Pretend you're in a woman's birth canal in a small kayak when suddenly there's a volcano and a hurricane erupting and flooding your *** at the same time. What will you do? That's why packing heat (carrying a Glock) is more serious than ever.

Jun 13 · 31

Give a woman a loaf of bread and she'll eat for a day. Give a woman gonorrhea and she'll have trouble peeing.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

Give a woman a loaf of bread and she'll eat for a day. Give a woman gonorrhea and she'll have trouble peeing.

Jun 13 · 47

THE BRUTALITY OF PRETENDERS

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

THE BRUTALITY OF PRETENDERS

Soon everybody who didn't reach one hundred will be resurrected by Jesus to get the years back that they're cosmically owed. Jesus can do it too because of the divine power entrusted to Him by God twenty centuries ago when the Romans were pushing people around like they were God, which they weren't, even though they thought they were for some reason.

Jun 13 · 40

I WOULD PAY

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

I WOULD PAY

TO SEE A LOVE-MATCH

between a kidney doctor and a lung doctor or a bank teller and
a black smith. That would be so awe-inspiring to witness a
bank teller beg a kidney doctor to suckle her *******
hard enough to make her ******* bunch up.

Jun 13 · 47

CAN'T I DO ANYTHING THAT COUNTS FOR NOTHING? I worked my fingers to the bone at the finger-carving company for you and then you ran off with an ex-lesbian for some reason. What's up with that?

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

CAN'T I DO ANYTHING THAT COUNTS FOR NOTHING? I worked my fingers to the bone at the finger-carving company for you and then you ran off with an ex-lesbian for some reason. What's up with that?

Jun 13 · 39

I TREASURE MY ANTIQUE MIRROR. It's one of fifty-eight made by Allen Antique, the famous mirror-maker from Michigan who was eaten by rabid muskrats in 1976.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

I TREASURE MY ANTIQUE MIRROR. It's one of fifty-eight made by Allen Antique, the famous mirror-maker from Michigan who was eaten by rabid muskrats in 1976.

Jun 13 · 49

𝙿𝚁𝙸𝐃𝐄 𝐌𝐎𝐍𝚃𝙷

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

𝙿𝚁𝙸𝐃𝐄 𝐌𝐎𝐍𝚃𝙷

Jun 13 · 24

LIFTED FROM THE ASHES

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

LIFTED FROM THE ASHES

Angela Nin was born to Joaquín Nin, a violent ex-lesbian hater, and Conchita Riveria, a dwarf with 1 kidney. In 1908 the family moved from Spain to Nicaragua for fun & adventure. Angela took walking lessons from Winslow Walker, the famous author who also had but 1 kidney. The 1-kidney trend was what all "with-it people" shared in common before the ***** craze overtook it in September of 1922.

Jun 13 · 25

😜😜🎯 REMEMBERING YOU is like, after your guts were ripped out, you go on this picnic with no way to properly digest delicious picnic food, because your guts were ripped out.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

😜😜🎯 REMEMBERING YOU is like, after your guts were ripped out, you go on this picnic with no way to properly digest delicious picnic food, because your guts were ripped out.

Jun 13 · 31

I don't want to live in a world without crippled people. I'm scared and my knees are on backwards so I can only walk to places that I've been to before.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

I don't want to live in a world without crippled people. I'm scared and my knees are on backwards so I can only walk to places that I've been to before.

Jun 13 · 45

🍔 𝗠𝗬 𝗚𝗔𝗥𝗗𝗘𝗡 𝗢𝗙 𝗘𝗠𝗣𝗧𝗜𝗡𝗘𝗦𝗦 𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝗼 𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂: 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘁𝗼𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗹𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗴𝗿𝗶𝗻, 𝗵𝗮𝗹𝗳-𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗲𝗱 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗳𝗮𝗰𝗲𝗹𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗻.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

🍔 𝗠𝗬 𝗚𝗔𝗥𝗗𝗘𝗡 𝗢𝗙 𝗘𝗠𝗣𝗧𝗜𝗡𝗘𝗦𝗦 𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝗼 𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂: 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘁𝗼𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗹𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗴𝗿𝗶𝗻, 𝗵𝗮𝗹𝗳-𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗲𝗱 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗳𝗮𝗰𝗲𝗹𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗻.

Jun 13 · 42

Just because 𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘦𝘴𝘵 is an anagram for 𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘴𝘵 doesn't mean East is least and West is best. Or does it?

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

Just because 𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘦𝘴𝘵 is an anagram for 𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘴𝘵 doesn't mean East is least and West is best. Or does it?

Jun 13 · 47

CRIPPLED PEOPLE are nice, just as nice as amputees. They stay home a lot: boiling urine on the stove, making comic death threats.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 13

CRIPPLED PEOPLE are nice, just as nice as amputees. They stay home a lot: boiling ***** on the stove, making comic death threats.

IT WASN'T BY ACCIDENT THAT I HIRED THE SHORTEST MAID IN THE WORLD! Hey! Where's this maid of yours? Right there. Where? In front of you. I don't see her. Here, use this magnifying glass. I still don't see her. Well, try this electron microscope then. Oh yeah, there she is.

THE GOOD IDEAS KEEP COMING! To inoculate against sickness, inject dog excrement with spoiled mayonnaise and hope for the best
and then put an ounce of sugar in your left bra cup. It will hurt at first but you'll get used to it 'cause you don't have to worry about **** when you're mega-rich with huge ******!

YEARS OF SMALLNESS - When I was smaller (before the x-rays) I couldn't reach anything on the top shelf anywhere. I was alone except for the people who followed me everywhere. I had a mole on my nose that my brother fed to his snake. Beastly little mole, like a chinchilla except not as gerbil-friendly as a real gerbil. My liver was fine till you poured Tabasco sauce on it!

Jun 12 · 37

Wiki: 𝑰𝒅𝒂𝒉𝒐 𝑻𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒔𝒇𝒆𝒓

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 12

Wiki: 𝑰𝒅𝒂𝒉𝒐 𝑻𝒓𝒂𝒏𝒔𝒇𝒆𝒓

is a 1973 science fiction film directed by Peter Fonda. - Teenager Karen Braden (Kelley Bohanon) is a troubled mental hospital outpatient who is taken by her father George and sister Isa to a government facility near the Craters of the Moon lava fields in Idaho. The project there was commissioned to develop matter transference but made a different discovery: time travel. They also discovered that a mysterious ecological catastrophe will soon wipe out civilization. Principal shooting took place in Arco, Idaho, Craters of the Moon National Monument and Preserve, and Bruneau Sand Dunes State Park.

Jun 12 · 30

ᴊᴏʜɴ ᴋᴇʀʀʏ ᴀɴᴅ ꜱᴇᴠᴇʀᴀʟ ɢᴜᴀᴛᴇᴍᴀʟᴀɴ ᴄᴀɴɴɪʙᴀʟꜱ

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 12

ᴊᴏʜɴ ᴋᴇʀʀʏ ᴀɴᴅ ꜱᴇᴠᴇʀᴀʟ ɢᴜᴀᴛᴇᴍᴀʟᴀɴ ᴄᴀɴɴɪʙᴀʟꜱ

Martha shacked up with Tony when she was pregnant because he lived in a hospital part-time and under a bridge during Kwanzaa. One day, as they were brutally ******* like malnourished Venezuelans, the hospital was taken over by ex-lesbian cannibals (probably from Guatemala). "Tony, be quiet or we'll be eaten alive by filthy cannibals," Martha whispered, which ****** Tony off for some reason. Later, as several Guatemalan cannibals were talking in indecipherable Guatemalan, Martha had a baby. It was a small one with curly hair. Years went by and the baby grew tall and political (eventually looking like John Kerry).

Jun 12 · 37

You should always beg for pity while projecting pathetic uncertainty. Play dumb. Bathe infrequently. Puke after meals. Puke between meals.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 12

You should always beg for pity while projecting pathetic uncertainty. Play dumb. Bathe infrequently. Puke after meals. Puke between meals.

Jun 12 · 39

𝑻𝑯𝑬𝑹𝑬 𝑾𝑬𝑹𝑬 𝑺𝑷𝑰𝑬𝑺 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒏'𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒈𝒖𝒍𝒂𝒓 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔; 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔 𝒔𝒘𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒔; 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔 𝒃𝒂𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝒑𝒊𝒆𝒔; 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔 𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑭𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒉 𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒔.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 12

𝑻𝑯𝑬𝑹𝑬 𝑾𝑬𝑹𝑬 𝑺𝑷𝑰𝑬𝑺 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒏'𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒈𝒖𝒍𝒂𝒓 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔; 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔 𝒔𝒘𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒔; 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔 𝒃𝒂𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝒑𝒊𝒆𝒔; 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔 𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑭𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒉 𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒔.

Jun 12 · 32

𝗔 𝗧𝗔𝗥𝗢𝗧 𝗖𝗔𝗥𝗗 𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗗𝗘𝗥 𝘁𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝗺𝘆 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗵𝗶𝗺𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗵𝗲'𝘀 𝗯𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝘂𝗿𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝗞𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 12

𝗔 𝗧𝗔𝗥𝗢𝗧 𝗖𝗔𝗥𝗗 𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗗𝗘𝗥 𝘁𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝗺𝘆 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗵𝗶𝗺𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗵𝗲'𝘀 𝗯𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝘂𝗿𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝗞𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲.

Jun 12 · 36

BOB'S UNMURDERABLE LOVE FOR MARGE

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 12

BOB'S UNMURDERABLE LOVE FOR MARGE

was evident. Everywhere they went together people saw what they saw: Bob was crazy about Marge. Often, he would spray vegetable oil on her and then add salt to make her deliciously wonderful especially when canned foods were scarce. One day, after the Olympics in Helsinki were over, Marge suffered from a horrible migraine head trauma that almost killed her. Several cops arrived to take her to Big Mike's Diseased Brain Surgery Clinic where Mike and his valiant staff of ex-perverts ate chicken with no clothes on. "I hate him!" A nearby ***** exclaimed before his brain was sloppily removed.

Jun 12 · 43

A CANNIBAL CONFESSES

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 12

A CANNIBAL CONFESSES

Sure, eating people is what I love but I don't love it all the time. Some human flesh would gag a maggot. The important thing is love. The Beatles sang it best: "All you need is love! Love of cannibalism is all you need!"

Jun 12 · 39

𝑻𝑯𝑬𝑹𝑬 𝑾𝑬𝑹𝑬 𝑺𝑷𝑰𝑬𝑺 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒏'𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒈𝒖𝒍𝒂𝒓 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔; 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔 𝒔𝒘𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒔; 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔 𝒃𝒂𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝒑𝒊𝒆𝒔; 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔 𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑭𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒉 𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒔.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 12

𝑻𝑯𝑬𝑹𝑬 𝑾𝑬𝑹𝑬 𝑺𝑷𝑰𝑬𝑺 𝒊𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒘𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒏'𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒈𝒖𝒍𝒂𝒓 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔; 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔 𝒔𝒘𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒔; 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔 𝒃𝒂𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝒑𝒊𝒆𝒔; 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔 𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑭𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒉 𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒔.

Jun 12 · 17

ᴡᴏᴍᴇɴ ᴀʀᴇ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴡʜᴇʀᴇ! ɪ ꜱᴀᴡ ᴏɴᴇ ʏᴇꜱᴛᴇʀᴅᴀʏ ᴇᴀᴛɪɴɢ ᴄʜɪᴄᴋᴇɴ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴀʀᴋ, ꜰᴇᴀᴛʜᴇʀꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 12

ᴡᴏᴍᴇɴ ᴀʀᴇ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴡʜᴇʀᴇ! ɪ ꜱᴀᴡ ᴏɴᴇ ʏᴇꜱᴛᴇʀᴅᴀʏ ᴇᴀᴛɪɴɢ ᴄʜɪᴄᴋᴇɴ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴀʀᴋ, ꜰᴇᴀᴛʜᴇʀꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ.

ANOTHER DAY OF DOOM! The toilets were ready for installation by Big Tex Smith, Texaco's "toilet man with a heart of gold." Young Beau Hopkins was so proud to work with Tex and his wife Marge whose ******* were like the flood lights that led the survivors of the 𝘛𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘤 to safety in New York. "I'll never forget the day that I was nearly drowned aboard the 𝘛𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘤 when young Biff Henderson threw a hand grenade at me!" David Alphabet Man exclaimed as his socks inched closer to his ***** because he had "woman parts" that belonged to his uncle before he went totally gay. 🎀 🍒🎀 🍒🎀 🍒🎀 🍒🎀 🍒

Jun 12 · 47

Before eating another bowlful of red clay, dirt, chalk & paint chips, call mom. She's worried about you. I made a cold drink that's sure to hit the spot: lemonade with kitty litter & motor oil.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 12

Before eating another bowlful of red clay, dirt, chalk & paint chips, call mom. She's worried about you. I made a cold drink that's sure to hit the spot: lemonade with kitty litter & motor oil.

Jun 12 · 37

DONNA LOVED RANDY so much that she vowed to live on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches till she died. The hardest part was keeping the peanut butter from sticking to her butt.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 12

DONNA LOVED RANDY so much that she vowed to live on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches till she died. The hardest part was keeping the peanut butter from sticking to her ****.

Jun 12 · 27

𝗟𝗜𝗦𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗜𝗡𝗘 𝗼𝗿 𝗠𝗜𝗦𝗧𝗘𝗥 𝗖𝗟𝗘𝗔𝗡

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 12

𝗟𝗜𝗦𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗜𝗡𝗘 𝗼𝗿 𝗠𝗜𝗦𝗧𝗘𝗥 𝗖𝗟𝗘𝗔𝗡

Down at the river under a bridge
I fell in love with governor Tommy Ridge
His anals were cold, off-putting & tragical
unlike his knobs that were Walter Disney magical

Jun 12 · 40

MY NUMBER SEVEN GOAL is to save ten percent, and my number ten goal is to save seven percent because I'm a goal-oriented hockey goalie.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 12

MY NUMBER SEVEN GOAL is to save ten percent, and my number ten goal is to save seven percent because I'm a goal-oriented hockey goalie.

Jun 12 · 45

"𝕀 𝕒𝕞 𝕒 𝕕𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕜𝕖𝕣 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕒 𝕨𝕣𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕡𝕣𝕠𝕓𝕝𝕖𝕞." - 𝐁𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐧 𝐁𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐧

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 12

"𝕀 𝕒𝕞 𝕒 𝕕𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕜𝕖𝕣 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕒 𝕨𝕣𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕡𝕣𝕠𝕓𝕝𝕖𝕞." - 𝐁𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐧 𝐁𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐧

Jun 12 · 29

According to the U.S. Flag Code, “The flag, when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.”

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 12

According to the U.S. Flag Code, “The flag, when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.”

Jun 12 · 36

My boyfriend was killed in an avalanche 3 years ago & everyone says that I should move on with my romantic life but I can't rest till I recover his body even though it's frozen under 30 feet of ice.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 12

My boyfriend was killed in an avalanche 3 years ago & everyone says that I should move on with my romantic life but I can't rest till I recover his body even though it's frozen under 30 feet of ice.

Jun 11 · 39

SEEING OLD BITCHES WITH TWITCHES makes my shaking palsy even worse. It's like that rope dad tied to a chain to give my ankle a sprain.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 11

SEEING OLD ******* WITH TWITCHES makes my shaking palsy even worse. It's like that rope dad tied to a chain to give my ankle a sprain.

Jun 11 · 53

𝐆𝐨𝐝'𝐬 𝟏𝟒-𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫-𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐝𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐞𝐫

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 11

𝐆𝐨𝐝'𝐬 𝟏𝟒-𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫-𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐝𝐚𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐞𝐫

800 trillion centuries ago God sent His teen daughter into the forest
to gather pine needles for a heavenly tea that every angel in Heaven
hated a lot but pretended to like so that God wouldn't brutally whip
them to death with a leather strop or throw them out of a helicopter
with no parachute. Jennifer, God's 14-year-old daughter, carried the
heavy tray with tea cups & stuff into the dining room but tripped &
fell & broke her leg. Well, God was so ******* that he killed 150
people & burned all of their houses & flimsy wood sheds down & a
few bowling alleys too. Jennifer was frightened & told her Dad that
He was too harsh on those poor people & so He told her to shut up.

Jun 11 · 34

𝗙𝗿𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗝𝗼𝗿𝗱𝗶: 𝗧𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗸 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝗹𝗲𝗽𝗵𝗮𝗻𝘁𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝗵𝗮𝗽𝗲𝗱 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 11

𝗙𝗿𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗝𝗼𝗿𝗱𝗶: 𝗧𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗸 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝗹𝗲𝗽𝗵𝗮𝗻𝘁𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝗼 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝗵𝗮𝗽𝗲𝗱 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺.

Jun 11 · 37

"Slip Away"

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 11

"Slip Away"

by David Bowie

Oogie knew there's never ever time
Some of us will always stay behind
𝗗𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗶𝗻 𝘀𝗽𝗮𝗰𝗲, 𝗶𝘁'𝘀 𝗮𝗹𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝟭𝟵𝟴𝟮
The joke we always knew
Oh, what'sa matter with you?
C'mon, let's go
Slip away

Jun 11 · 26

A TOXIC LOVE AFFAIR

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 11

A TOXIC LOVE AFFAIR

You toyed with my fragile emotions like a fluffy kitten chasing a green bug into the River of Emptiness where unemployed crocodiles and man-eating pastry chefs play football with Jimmy Hoffa's calcified liver that can't be softened with peroxide and vinegar.

Jun 11 · 21

DALE EARNHARDT'S SECRET PASSION

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 11

DALE EARNHARDT'S SECRET PASSION

I saw a beautiful film of Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt making uninhibited love on the beach a week before "the accident." It was so touching. Dale was all smiles as he professed his eternal love to Richard who asked him if he was a homosexual.

Jun 11 · 23

ITCHIN' IN THE BITCHIN' KITCHEN - It won't be long now, the snake's length, after I cut its head off. I kill snakes, baboons & iguanas. I like elephants, but they take 6 days to cook. Rabbits are nice, with mustard.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 11

ITCHIN' IN THE *******' KITCHEN - It won't be long now, the snake's length, after I cut its head off. I **** snakes, baboons & iguanas. I like elephants, but they take 6 days to cook. Rabbits are nice, with mustard.

Jun 11 · 32

Let me help...

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 11

Let me help...

SPANKING A SWEDISH COUSIN - Young Kyle Martin had a student loan to consider when his second cousin Ingrid appeared unexpectantly from eastern Sweden one night while he was washing his pud. "What are you doing with your pud?" She asked all innocent like. "Oh, just tidying it up a little," Kyle answered. "Here, let me help. In Sweden we use a large rag tied to a camper trailer hitch," she informed with a healthy grin as her nay-nays swayed rhythmically like they used to in Sweden when she milked reindeer for her uncle.

Jun 11 · 32

I COULD FLOAT on my belly like Adrienne Shelly for all the good that would do, because she's deader than General Washington who was bled dead to kill his masonic flu.

𝑺𝒖𝒛𝒚 𝐁𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐤𝐲 Jun 11

I COULD FLOAT on my belly like Adrienne Shelly for all the good that would do, because she's deader than General Washington who was bled dead to **** his masonic flu.