The winter was lip-cracking cold and ***-******* bold when our pet bear stirred from hibernation like a canal **** made into a hat for Daniel Boone. I loved my girlfriend way back then because she had a police bike and a twin sister who looked identical to her. I knew an amputee who lost his leg because a train ran over it. He was a nice guy who inexplicably walked with a limp. "What happened to you? Did you get run over by a train or something?" I asked in a funny way that made him so angry that he ordered his wife to double my sister Lori's piano lesson price. *****!

By Bryan Ferry & Brian Eno

I thought - you'd be my 𝘚𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘤𝘢𝘳 𝘕𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘥 𝘋𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘳𝘦
My way - my taste of wine
I thought - you'd be that flame within the fire
One dream that just won't die
All night - looking for new love
Impossible true love - nothing at all
Looking for new gods - looking for new blood
Looking for you
I thought - I'd find you walking in the rain
Just like a wayward child
I thought - I'd find you calling out my name
So foolish is my pride
All night - looking for new love
Impossible true love - nothing at all
Looking for new ways - looking for strange blood
Looking for you
I thought - I'd be your 𝘚𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘤𝘢𝘳 𝘕𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘥 𝘋𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘳𝘦
Your man - the one you seek
I thought - I'd take you deep within myself
Subtitles when we speak
Hold on - the flower says reach out
The thunder says no shout is greater than mine
Listen and hold on - till the day fades out
Smothered in gold

You said GOD while I was sitting here collecting unemployment benefits. I felt the hellish, Eskimo-freezing cold when you opened the door. I didn't say GOD! I said something else, something far less Christian.

Wiki: A Colombian necktie (Spanish: corbata colombiana) or tie-cut (Spanish: corte de corbata) is a form of execution or post-mortem mutilation in which the victim's tongue is pulled through a deep cut beneath the jaw and left dangling on the neck. It first appeared in Colombia during the period known as La Violencia (1948–1958) as a method of psychological warfare designed to scare and intimidate.[1] It was one of several documented types of public mutilation in the conflict used to terrorize people away from their land. Others included killing a pregnant woman, extracting the fetus and placing it on her body and replacing it with a rooster; stuffing the genitals of dead men into their mouths; and the "flower-vase-cut" where the victim's limbs were cut off and stuffed into their torso. The methods served to dehumanize victims, as can be seen in terms used by perpetrators such as bocachiquear and picar para tamal, which refer respectively to the preparation of fish and tamales.[2][3]

Its invention is sometimes erroneously attributed to drug kingpin Pablo Escobar.[4] 𝗗𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝘂𝗿𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗮𝗹 𝗼𝗳 𝗢. 𝗝. 𝗦𝗶𝗺𝗽𝘀𝗼𝗻, 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝘄𝘆𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝗰𝗹𝗮𝗶𝗺𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗵𝗶𝘁𝗺𝗲𝗻 𝗵𝗶𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝘆 𝗱𝗿𝘂𝗴 𝗱𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝗴𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗡𝗶𝗰𝗼𝗹𝗲 𝗕𝗿𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗦𝗶𝗺𝗽𝘀𝗼𝗻 𝗮 𝗖𝗼𝗹𝗼𝗺𝗯𝗶𝗮𝗻 𝗻𝗲𝗰𝗸𝘁𝗶𝗲, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝗯𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝘁𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗼𝗻𝘆 𝗱𝘂𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗮 𝗹𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝗼𝗳 𝘀𝘂𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲.[5][6]

Just a few years before queen Liz crapped-out she was jumping off cliffs and mounting mules from the wrong side. Now look at her: deader than George Washington who's too far gone to be revived with the best heart-shocker.

I can't stop remembering when you were taller than most women, 3 years before you became a ***** on ****** pills. Now look at you! It takes a microscope to find you! I'm leaving and I'm never coming back unless I do so accidentally because of emphysema or **** warts.

I was drinking beer with a mentally-******* woman in a bar near a
garbage dump 3 years ago, 21 days after Valentine's Day in Ohio or
some other place when for no sane reason she handed me her purse
because she was going to become a man. I bought another beer and
punched her in the ****. “Why did you do that?!” She demanded to
know. “You know why!” I exclaimed. “Yeah” she responded sadly,
“soon my **** will be turned into a huge *****, larger than a school
bus.” Even though I didn't see her or her **** again I'll never forget
this mentally-******* woman whose **** I punched, 3 years ago in
a bar near a garbage dump, after Valentine's Day in Ohio, probably.

"You'll never get a second chance to make a first impression or a seventeenth chance to make a seven hundredth impression, so shut your gob or I'll drive my Corolla up your *** when you least expect it!" Hunter told Joe after they both lost a leg-shaving contest in Tulsa.

Jesus wept and then He got even. The floors and the walls and the ceiling and the ditch out back made Tyler miss Tanya like a basket weaver misses lesbian training by Mormons. "Yes, those were the days when a foreigner could get comfortable just lying around on stolen blankets, eating cheese and going to the bathroom for fun," Gladdio reminisced. "Here, take my bean pocket and toss these magnets at that train," Mary instructed casually. "Alright! But I'll need a rubber ***** for demonstration purposes," Gladdio mused while his knockers grew beneath a flimsy shirt because of synthetic girl-hormones that he got for free from the Department of Labor Management.

"The first 15 minutes
      are the hardest," I  told my new girlfriend. She
      seemed to understand even tho she  was new.

      "Will I always be your girlfriend?" She asked expectantly.
   "No," I mushed, "some day you'll be a miserable
      memory like radiation therapy or dialysis."

     "If I turned Italian, grew whiskers & spoke
      with a limp would you not still love me?"

     "Still?...oh yeah, sure still..."

THE GAY WAYS OF ALL WOMEN drained Steve of his confidence with women even after reading 𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘰 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘓𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘞𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯 𝘰𝘯 𝘢 𝘉𝘶𝘥𝘨𝘦𝘵 by **** Pleasureman. "I can't make it work out with the women at the carpet shop," Steve confessed to his priest who didn't know the pope personally or anything. He knew a bishop, but that hardly mattered in tight places.

I was so mystified by dumb tricks &, tired of your busy labels that I
farted a final, tired **** at the Christmas tree 'neath the kitchen table
with my girl whose able ****'s cuntier than the **** of Betty Grable
naked on my couch, legs parted, full lips pink & mental state stable

Off the spoon with your smooth-ground peanut butter! I'm the sister
of a lean-cut brother. I will bear your brats in our queen-****'s color,
because the coal oil-broiled cur is mine, my slap-happy mutt seller!
I gather lather for shavers shaving with mayo & peanut-butter ooze,
because after you've lost a nose to frostbite you cannot snort *****.
Yawalapiti chicks are mongrel Mongols! They sleep until 2:45 like
I do. I don't know why they wring the hydrogen cyanide acid out of
raw mandioca, ½ chew viperfish or use slimy seaweed as shampoo.
Menstruating Emmanuella lived on little mountain Monticello with
Thomas Jefferson, the dead president fella. They had a lot of clean,
Jeffersonian fun each day & night, eatin' corn dogs, watching *****
fight. 1 day while Emmanuella was washing her ******* in a stream
the evil wraith of wormy Sally Hemings appeared like a bad dream.
School girl Isabella lived on little mountain Monticello with Mister
Thomas Jefferson, the ex-presidential fella. They enjoyed healthful
cholera vaccines, ****** feedings & blood-letting, kissing & petting.
One time, while Isabella was scrubbing her ***** in a filthy stream,
Negrita Sally Hemings rose up like skim milk minus its rich cream.
I'm weary of being a meat-bag for *** whale hunters who scarf ran-
cid squid & chicken, or any Mississippian ***** wanting to sink his
hick in. These ******* only stretch to my lower ribs, beyond that we
will need O.S.H.A.-approved, California-******-pink lobster bibs.
Maybe a higher high-grade frequency's needed to contend with new
vessels forming upon the bark where a cholesterol-deficit shrinks to
seize, a statin-toxin man with doctor Aloysius Alzheimer's disease?
I think so, after asking Vy's left-leaning toe. There ain't much and it
is plenty; enough to freeze the breeze & to knock gigantic monkeys
from trees with a sneezy, queasy wheeze. Please Joe Biden: Coax a
coke snort from the Man's Country men Barry Soetoro's been ridin.'
The bummed-out drunken doctor recommended that the very nervy
******-polyp patient eat 5 peanut & butterfish-belly sandwiches ev-
ery day for 6 years, & have his fangs waxed along with his jug ears.
Since you abandoned me, & our player piano moving business, I've
been herniating myself twice per day. To herniate myself less, I de-
cided to move lighter pianos and to I hire a criminal to ****** you.
You crashed my Russian helicopter into a parked helicopter when I
needed it most. You stole my toaster so I can't make toast. You kiss
strange women because you say it is thrilling, without a care in this
queer world about the murderous feelings that I'm normally feeling.
When it comes to ***, all that I have are my ******* memories. Let
me alone. I am going to the **** where real's real & no one pays an
**** bill. It's time to put up or shut up & to tuck in hot, curly fringe
that makes your ménage à trois ****-trio puke up phlegm & cringe.
Initially I could crap without laxatives while thinking of: P.J. Proby
with P.P. Arnold accompanied by B.J. Thomas over the complaints
of T.S. Eliot, H.P. Lovecraft, B.B. King, F.W. Woolworth plus J.C.
Penney, G.C. Murphy, B.F. Skinner, H.H. Holmes & D.W. Griffith
who is dead, deaf & dumb & off the toilet seat that dented his ***.
There is our moon this foggy night that's warty like a nice pickle &
hotter than a green cheese icicle. I will fake a trip there like masons
do, with duct tape, roofing felt, curtain rods & model airplane glue.
“You ******-lipped my stick” seems like an obscene observation to
make but it's not. It's a complicated dental procedure that has saved
the teeth of millions of chiggers. So, the next time someone exits the
dentist's treatment room crying, “That mother-******' quack dentist
just trigger-lipped my stick!” you'll thank Lord Jesus on your knees.
I was drinking beer with a mentally-******* woman in a bar near a
garbage dump 3 years ago, 21 days after Valentine's Day in Ohio or
some other place when for no sane reason she handed me her purse
because she was going to become a man. I bought another beer and
punched her in the ****. “Why did you do that?!” She demanded to
know. “You know why!” I exclaimed. “Yeah” she responded sadly,
“soon my **** will be turned into a huge *****, larger than a school
bus.” Even though I didn't see her or her **** again I'll never forget
this mentally-******* woman whose **** I punched, 3 years ago in
a bar near a garbage dump, after Valentine's Day in Ohio, probably.
Here is a query from Negroidal Africa's Gold Coast: “Could a wild,
intra-****** hemorrhoid, under neo-C.I.A. remote control, free itself,
wriggle up to the pulsing throat unfelt & throttle its sleeping host?”
What is that? Let me taste it. It is not peanut butter and it's not dog-
****. I have a cat. Oh, then it must be cat-****. It's such a great joy to
solve a baffling mystery like Sherlock Holmes did when he was not
shacked up with crapped-out Graham Chapman. It was David Sher-
lock, not Sherlock Holmes! Sherlock Holmes was hitched to young
Shirley Temple before her ***-bags exploded & killed Buddy Epsen.

"Are you **** Pleasureman's wife, Sandy?" A **** Pleasureman fan begged to know. "Yes, I am," Sandy replied automatically, if not robotically. "I've just read 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘈𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘞𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯 𝘞𝘩𝘰 𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘎𝘰𝘵 𝘙𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘍𝘦𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭 𝘗𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘰𝘯 and it was great!" The fan proclaimed fanatically. "You're very kind," Sandy replied warmly. "**** will be pleased." Later that day Sandy met **** at the bowling alley for lunch even though neither of them bowled except when forced to at gun-point by international terrorists.

Becky knew the gynecologist was concerned but it didn't matter because she was a wild child who partied down with criminal Negroes, and she didn't give a greasy **** who objected. "I'm going to the ghetto to thrill my homies," she told her back-up gynecologist who handled things when her primary gynecologist was in a coma. "You better not," Sarah Burgundy warned. "I was in the ghetto yesterday and the mood's pretty ugly there."

Who will be next??? Joe had to go, and any toilet would have to do. "Stop at that Texaco!" He ordered Randy, his close friend. "Gotcha Honey!" Randy exclaimed which sounded strange to the passenger in the back seat. Joe "let loose" with a big one and felt greatly relieved and immediately noticed that he couldn't get up because the toilet seat held him in place. "That's odd," he whispered to Randy who was standing close by. "What?" Randy asked. "I can't raise my **** from the toilet," Joe said. Later, they found out from a mutual friend that Texaco toilet seats are possessed by Satan. "You better become a Christian right away!" Randy urged and he was right.

It's called a micro-bikini and it's made in a foreign country where micro-bikinis are very expensive to make and then it's loaded onto a ship till the ship's so laden down with micro-bikinis that it just about sinks like the 𝘛𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘤 did and then it's shipped across six of the widest oceans in the world till it gets here for **** women like me to wear.