[We can't use sea water to extinguish the fires because sea water hurts grass and shrubs. You hammered me like a hammer salesman for several hours till I bought a crate of them. It's like living in Cuba with a Lithuanian. Four to eight drops (dissolved in water) of Lugol's oral iodine taken daily will lessen the symptoms of psoriasis.] "Oprah!" Gayle shouted. "Your skin is like circus tent canvas spread across the parking lot after dogs peed on it for five days and your feet are remindful of dark rail spikes bleached in battery acid after being submersed in a corrosive concoction of Morton salt and dog ***!" Oprah smiled to reveal large teeth untouched by time. "Oh Gayle, my affection for you is more powerful than ten maniacs with dog ointment skating across Lake Superior in January; more powerful than thirty huge white women with toe nail clippers eating frogs in Paris while their ex-lesbian nurses bathe in the hottest water under a bridge that's falling to pieces and killing people." Just then Oprah's brother Frank entered the room with his ****, ex-lesbian girlfriend. "Oprah, I need a million dollars and I need it right away!" He exclaimed as his ex-lesbian girlfriend gave the two women there the evil eye. "Sure Frank, it's up my ******," O whispered which seemed impossible till Gayle said that it really was up there.

(something that fat truck drivers have been doing for 90 years) - Truck drivers know all the short-cuts when it comes to making the toilet seat experience pleasurable and memorable. As you know, till 1998 Sears had triple-thick toilet seats in their rest rooms south of Chatanooga. This was no accident! The planners were well aware of Walmart's inevitable rise to supreme market ascendancy and so the "toilet seat thing," warming them like a toaster, was a necessity. So the next time you're 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘪𝘦, 𝘣𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘨𝘳𝘶𝘮𝘱𝘺 𝚘𝚛 𝘣𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘻𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘉𝘢𝘣𝘺 𝘙𝘶𝘵𝘩, remember: diesel fuel isn't just for powering big rigs, it's also great for heating toilet seats.

THE DAY MY MOTHER TRIED TO **** ME WITH ADVANCED MEGA-STRENGTH! Nobody wants to be killed by their mother with advanced mega-strength except ex-lesbians and weirdos. I was in the attic sorting through brassieres & girdles when suddenly I was attacked by my mother. Yes! She had been bitten by a vampire in Venezuela and was thirsty for blood. Hurriedly, or even quickly, I crossed 2 marijuana cigarettes to form a cross and then I karate-chopped her across the shin and she died. I certainly learned a valuable lesson that day.

Valerie giggled as Fred tickled her wart-free **** with a feather. "I can't believe how wart-free your **** is," Fred commented. "It's pretty nice. Ain't it?" Val answered as feathers fell from a nearby tree like it was a sign from God or something.

Fred Pittsburgh (Pittsburgh's founder) removed the bandage with a mighty tug that nearly drove Valerie, an ex-lesbian, back into the hairy arms of a gym teacher. "Sorry 'bout that," Fred whispered as the Korean army led by Mao Tse-Tung wandered by with large medical boxes full of ****** pamphlets written to convince no one.

Fifty-two ex-lesbians blocked my car a mile from the toll booth. They wanted something. But what? "What's wrong with you women?!" I demanded to know. "We are ex-lesbians and we demand that you join us in Chriostian-friendly activities!" The lead ex-lesbian demanded. "You spelled 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘯 wrong," I pointed out, even though I didn't see it written down anywhere. "That's a typographical error so just ignore it!" She instructed.

After chugging back a complete six-pack with my clap-ridden hoes, I took the path of righteousness that Jesus had, in Bible times, chose. I pulled my fake nose off and ate a swollen can of meat, pulled over a cop whom I intended to beat with a baseball bat till he fell off his feet and then I prayed hard, harder than a monkey with Parkinson's disease or cerebral palsy till I could barely distinguish orange from tan leaves.

THE NEW SQUEEZE

      "The first 15 minutes
      are the hardest," I  told my new girlfriend. She
      seemed to understand even tho she  was new.

    "Will I always be your girlfriend?" She asked expectantly.
   "No," I mushed, "some day you'll be a miserable
   memory like radiation therapy or dialysis."

     "If I turned Italian, grew whiskers & spoke
      with a limp would you not still love me?"

     "Still?...oh yeah, sure still..."

ERNEST BORGNINE'S LEGACY [I shall out-love everybody until there's nobody left.] For 38 years Becky wanted to smell like someone else when finally the opportunity came for her to smell like Ernest Borgnine's wife by using an excitingly-new perfume. One evening at an elegant dinner party several wealthy women complimented Becky's scent. "Darling, I know the Borgnines and you smell like one of them!" Becky was so proud that she wrote to Ernest: "Dear Ernest: Smelling like you or your wife has elevated me in various social circles. I can now mingle freely with others who have chosen (without coercion) to carry the scent of your family and for that I'm immeasurably grateful. Lovingly yours, your smell-alike amiga Becky." 2 weeks later Becky received the Borgnine family reply from Ernie: "Becky, I wish that I could smell you but alas I'm in Hollywood starring in an important movie about World War 2. Please accept this 1-gallon jug of Ernest Borgnine's Midnight Seduction Perfume. Your friend, Ernie." Becky was elated. Her prayer request to smell like a Hollywood movie star (or his wife) had been granted. Now she could attend Catholic mass like a real woman, one who smelled important; one whose scent bespoke of triumph & recognition. From that day until her tragic death in a gator-feeding mishap, Becky held firmly to her convictions which served her financially. Becky's Tuba Polish became the standard tuba polish for every Moslem woman over 50 in Sumatra, Indonesia.
   Enraged by smallish Negroes with large butts that betrayed God's original design, Ernie Borgnine applied copious amounts of perfume to his groin and other "problem" areas. "That ought to make England's queen take note," he muttered to Jeff Higgins, his trusted homosexual lover & Boy Scout big-wig. "Let's go Jeff!" Ernie barked because there was 500 miles of rough road to cross before Russia would be in view. "Jeff, take my *****," Ernie whispered moments after they entered the ***** house which was in shambles from World War 2 activities. "Hello, I'm Ernesto Borgino and I'm here for a *******. Do you have one with red hair?" Suddenly, like a huge **** from a swollen ******, there was an explosive disruption from the *** Room. "Jesus Winston Churchill! What was that?!" Jeff begged to find out. "Nothing to be concerned about Jeffy! Now give me back my *****!" Ernie exclaimed.

CONGRATULATIONS TO GOD for another huge win! Never before in the history of God has there been such constant winning! Get involved with God now and enjoy a 10%-off discount or risk being killed by God or one of His people who will make it look like an accident even though it isn't accidental.

SUDDENLY Nig McPeters took the wig off his dead mother's head and threw it out the bus window. The passengers were shocked because the bus was struck by lightning. "This is God's doing!" Nig exclaimed as large gerbils attacked his ****** with the ferocity and ferociousness of 23 billion clones of Richard Gere. Later on, after several years had gone by, Nig became the wealthiest man ever to exist anywhere after stealing 12 trillion winning lottery tickets. "You are blessed by God," Nig's ex-lesbian neighbor and lover said 7 months before her ****** exploded from a hand grenade hidden in the rear part of her bikini *******.

Kim saw her uncle board the 𝘛𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘪𝘤 and then went quickly back home to be with her other uncle. News came 2 days later that she was pregnant. It was 1912 "the year of the uncle" for her and nobody west of Pittsburgh gave a **** as it was decades before Saint Jude would begin torturing kids with radio rays. "I love my new Model T," she told the mayor who had a large scrotal tumor that made scratching his left ankle an adventure in agony. "Don't worry," a nearby quack doctor said softly because he was a total wack-job.

SEE WHAT REAL MEN ARE MADE OF at the autopsy exhibit. Food,
fun and beer-swigging for all ticket-holders! Don't sit in the rain when
you can be enjoying family-friendly Viet Cong-style executions! **** a
****** for mommy while large badgers claw at your entrails! Deep-
throat a "big one" in a bread truck! ***** mysterious women with no
clothes on! It's all for charity: Saint Jude's Cancer Torture Hospital!

HOW TO STRAIGHTEN CROOKED TEETH ON YOUR OWN (1) Firmly grasp the offending tooth with pliers and gently twist it till it's in perfect alignment. (2) Tap nearby teeth with a wooden mallet to "encourage" them to return to a position that would please God. (3) Inform a fat woman that gluttony is sinful.