******* YOUR CHRISTMAS **** DONNA! WE'RE GOING ICE SKATING IN MONROEVILLE! Any day now and I'll be richer than George Hamilton: queerly swimming in gold dust and mole turds; climbing up dangerous ladders; ******* women 6 feet tall with bony hips; singing hippie-era songs like a *****; walking backwards to the men's room at Burger King...oh yeah!

I'm sorry but your mother's dead. The molecules that held her together uncoupled! May I see her? No. She was fed to alligators an hour ago. Does Dad know? I thought he was dead? He is but I'm going to hold a séance to break the news gently to him. Oh, here's my sister Irene. Irene, Mom has crapped out. Her molecules have come apart. Jesus! Does Dad know? Not yet. We should hold a séance to tell him. Yes, that's what I was thinking.

THE PERVERTS OF PENNSYLVANIA -- What happened? Hock Rudson tried to give me a big kiss. So? He's infected with death. Oh no! Oh yes! Darlene **** ****** & Philip Rudd Craft were to be married on Cape Cod in the spring. Everyone was so happy & pleased by the prospect of having Darlene as a daughter-in-law. "Kiss me Darlene," young Patrick Bowel Tender said as he puckered up for a "**** one." Just 56 short years later Pat would be crushed to death in an avalanche. His **** body was eventually eaten by 3 **** polar bears.