Are your toe nails so thick that you have to smear pork grease on them before dangling them off a dock into alligator-infested water each day for several hours? Now, because of futuristic toe nail cutting technology, you don't have to do that anymore unless you get a big kick out of it because you're some kind of perverted ****** or something.

I have a skateboard that Marilyn Monroe used before she died. It has M.M. scribbled on it in crayon. Also, there's a suicide note taped on the underside that reads: 𝘏𝘪. 𝘐'𝘮 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘺𝘯 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘳𝘰𝘦. 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦. 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘬𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘣𝘰𝘢𝘳𝘥. 𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘣𝘪𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘵 𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘵 𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨. - 𝘚𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘭𝘺𝘯 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘳𝘰𝘦

on hormone storage fees, Karen wisely kept her hormones in a tin box that originally held Swedish cookies. When her friends visited, she could offer them hormones without having to call ahead to get old Gus to open the gate. "Don't you have to call old Gus to open the gate?" Tina asked. "Not anymore!" Karen giddily exclaimed because she was full of hormones, hormones that she kept in a tin box.