You're like one of those civil war guys who throws up on people sleeping on the beach. No I ain't. Yes you are. I saw you poking that chick in the *** wearing the bikini with the big hole in the ***. That wasn't me. That was my Siamese twin brother. Where is he now? How the **** should I know?!

Nibco Turnip and his brother Frank made their way up the mountain without shoes even though the trail was frozen and colder than a monkey's **** in Finland. "Pass the petroleum jelly please and hurry!" Lorraine demanded. Frank did as commanded because he was afraid and alone except for the others who were with him. Quickly Lorraine lubricated her ****-crack with generous gobs till she was ready for the dangerous gerbils that Richard Gere's third cousin had in his suitcase. "I'm telling you for the ninety-eighth billionth time that I don't have gerbils in there!" He proclaimed with a believable passion that only crippled ex-lesbians from eastern New Mexico would fall for.

SEVEN SURE SIGNS THAT YOUR LOVED ONE OR FAMILY MEMBER NEEDS SHIN-LENGTHENING BONE GRAFTS (1) short shins are apparent from 30 feet away (2) large bone splinters have poked through skin (3) shin conductivity is 4% (4) no one can pull shin bone free, even with twine (5) most piggish cops are masons and worship Lucifer (6) marital infidelity is rising especially in the trans-gay communes west of Toledo (7) cold winds chill shins and make them blue...

HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOUR DOG NEEDS A HEART/LUNG TRANSPLANT - Dogs are like people except they can't be drafted into the army. If your dog is weaker than he was a few hours ago it may be time to have his heart and lungs replaced via transplant surgery. A new heart and lungs might be just the thing to get your dog on his feet again. Don't wait! Come to Big Frank's Dog Heart/Lung Transplant Clinic (behind Pizza Hut) and receive a 10%-off coupon on all heart/lung transplants before Easter. And, as always, NO FAT CHICKS!

It was so quiet outside that you could've heard a school bus drop from the tippy top of the Empire State Building when little Toby Watson was walking his dog on Monday morning, May eighth. "Don't forget to eat all of your lunch without barfing it all up afterwards," his mother instructed, whose ******* were so perfectly formed that it was like God or Jesus made them or something. "I won't forget," Toby answered back as Frank Roosevelt limped by with no wheel chair because he wasn't crippled, not even a little bit. "Faker," Toby mumbled under his breath. "Here comes fifty black people!" A concerned normal woman warned whose ***** was very beautiful because she was born in Sweden or Norway. "You have the most beautiful ***** in the world," a young ruffian complimented her because his mother (who was an ex-lesbian) put him up to it. "Thank you young man," she replied with genuine thankfulness. "I take care of my genitals and I love everybody." The young ruffian smiled at that and asked: "Will you use your genitals to love me with?" Three Easters later several ***** gangsters began fighting each other with military tanks, submarines and airplanes. Many Negroes and hundreds of normal people were killed and hurt. President Truman had to throw boiling ***** on them from his upstairs apartment window. Lots of people were *******, lots of people didn't care.

Let's sail over the sea to distant Bombay where chicks are thin and no men are gay. We'll eat eels and stuff our ***** with bubble gum for fun and lob bombs at bums to make them run and trick ****** out of money and cover our bubble gum-stuffed ***** with bumble bee honey.