Gerbils are just like you and me: out to make a buck. If you enjoy clawing your way up Richard Gere's ****, then you might be ready to make friends with Herb Paul, a gerbil that speaks 13 languages (not counting German). Herb was raised by Pygmy cannibals in Sumatra when he was little. He grew tall and firm on juicy rat-**** & monkey-****. 1 day, as Richard Gere was winning an academy award, Herb escaped. Gere's underwear drawer was searched thoroughly yet nothing was found. Later after that, Cindy Crawford chewed her way out of a canvas sack because she had sharp teeth and pink *******. (I saw them in 𝘗𝘭𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘰𝘺 magazine before Hugh Hefner died.)

For Lease: coal-fired tooth-brush washer! For 34 dollars per week you can lease a coal-fired tooth-brush cleaner that will clean your tooth-brush so effortlessly that you will wander off into the wilderness and get eaten by polar bears and nobody will ever see you again and not care anyway because they didn't like you at all to begin with (or in the first place), not even a little bit.

ᵂʰᵃᵗ ʸᵃ ᵍᵒᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ? ᶠᵒᵒᵗ ᶠᵘⁿᵍᵘˢ. ᴵ ᵇᵒᵘᵍʰᵗ ³ ᶜʳᵃᵗᵉˢ ᵒᶠ ⁱᵗ. ᴴᵒʷ ᵐᵘᶜʰ? ³ ᶜʳᵃᵗᵉˢ! ᴺᵒ, ᴵ ᵐᵉᵃⁿ: ʰᵒʷ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ᵈⁱᵈ ⁱᵗ ᶜᵒˢᵗ? ᶠⁱᵛᵉ ᵈᵒˡˡᵃʳˢ ᵃ ᵇᵒˣ ᵗⁱᵐᵉˢ ⁵⁰ ᵇᵒˣᵉˢ ⁱⁿ ᵃ ᶜʳᵃᵗᵉ ⁱˢ ᵗʷᵒ ʰᵘⁿᵈʳᵉᵈ ᵃⁿᵈ ᶠⁱᶠᵗʸ ᵈᵒˡˡᵃʳˢ ᵗⁱᵐᵉˢ ³ ᶜʳᵃᵗᵉˢ ⁱˢ ˢᵉᵛᵉⁿ⁻ᶠⁱᶠᵗʸ. ᴹᵃʸ ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵃ ᵗᵃˢᵗᵉ? ˢᵘʳᵉ. ᶜᵃʳᵉᶠᵘˡ, ᵗʰᵉ ᶠᵘⁿᵍᵘˢ ⁱˢ ⁱⁿ ⁱᵗˢ ˢᵖᵒʳᵉ ˢᵗᵃᵍᵉ.

𝗛𝗔𝗩𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗔 𝗧𝗢𝗡 𝗢𝗙 𝗙𝗨𝗡 𝗪𝗜𝗧𝗛 𝗚𝗨𝗦 - 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘆𝗮 𝗴𝗼𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲? 𝗙𝗼𝗼𝘁 𝗳𝘂𝗻𝗴𝘂𝘀. 𝗜 𝗯𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝟯 𝗰𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝗶𝘁. 𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝗺𝘂𝗰𝗵? 𝟯 𝗰𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘀! 𝗡𝗼, 𝗜 𝗺𝗲𝗮𝗻: 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝗺𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝗶𝘁 𝗰𝗼𝘀𝘁? 𝗙𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗮𝗿𝘀 𝗮 𝗯𝗼𝘅 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝟱𝟬 𝗯𝗼𝘅𝗲𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝗮 𝗰𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝘄𝗼 𝗵𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗳𝗶𝗳𝘁𝘆 𝗱𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗮𝗿𝘀 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝟯 𝗰𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻-𝗳𝗶𝗳𝘁𝘆. 𝗠𝗮𝘆 𝗜 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗮 𝘁𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲? 𝗦𝘂𝗿𝗲. 𝗖𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗳𝘂𝗹, 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝘂𝗻𝗴𝘂𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝗶𝘁𝘀 𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗲.

𝙷𝙰𝚅𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙰 𝚃𝙾𝙽 𝙾𝙵 𝙵𝚄𝙽 𝚆𝙸𝚃𝙷 𝙶𝚄𝚂 - 𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚊 𝚐𝚘𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎? 𝙵𝚘𝚘𝚝 𝚏𝚞𝚗𝚐𝚞𝚜. 𝙸 𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝟹 𝚌𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚒𝚝. 𝙷𝚘𝚠 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑? 𝟹 𝚌𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚜! 𝙽𝚘, 𝙸 𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗: 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚖𝚞𝚌𝚑 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚒𝚝 𝚌𝚘𝚜𝚝? 𝙵𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚊𝚛𝚜 𝚊 𝚋𝚘𝚡 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝟻𝟶 𝚋𝚘𝚡𝚎𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚊 𝚌𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚠𝚘 𝚑𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚛𝚎𝚍 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚏𝚒𝚏𝚝𝚢 𝚍𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚊𝚛𝚜 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎𝚜 𝟹 𝚌𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗-𝚏𝚒𝚏𝚝𝚢. 𝙼𝚊𝚢 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚊 𝚝𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎? 𝚂𝚞𝚛𝚎. 𝙲𝚊𝚛𝚎𝚏𝚞𝚕, 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚞𝚗𝚐𝚞𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚒𝚝𝚜 𝚜𝚙𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚐𝚎.

ＨΛＶＩＮＧ░Λ░Ｔ♢Ｎ░♢Ｆ░ＦＵＮ░ＷＩＴＨ░ＧＵＳ░－░Ｗｈａｔ░ｙａ░ｇｏｔ░ｔｈｅｒｅ？░Ｆｏｏｔ░ｆｕ­ｎｇｕｓ．░Ｉ░ｂｏｕｇｈｔ░３░ｃｒａｔｅｓ░ｏｆ░ｉｔ．░Ｈｏｗ░ｍｕｃｈ？░３░ｃｒａｔｅｓ！░Ｎｏ，░Ｉ░ｍｅａｎ：░ｈｏ­ｗ░ｍｕｃｈ░ｄｉｄ░ｉｔ░ｃｏｓｔ？░Ｆｉｖｅ░ｄｏｌｌａｒｓ░ａ░ｂｏｘ░ｔｉｍｅｓ░５０░ｂｏｘｅｓ░ｉｎ░ａ░ｃｒａｔｅ░­ｉｓ░ｔｗｏ░ｈｕｎｄｒｅｄ░ａｎｄ░ｆｉｆｔｙ░ｄｏｌｌａｒｓ░ｔｉｍｅｓ░３░ｃｒａｔｅｓ░ｉｓ░ｓｅｖｅｎ－ｆｉｆｔｙ．░Ｍ­ａｙ░Ｉ░ｈａｖｅ░ａ░ｔａｓｔｅ？░Ｓｕｒｅ．░Ｃａｒｅｆｕｌ，░ｔｈｅ░ｆｕｎｇｕｓ░ｉｓ░ｉｎ░ｉｔｓ░ｓｐｏｒｅ░ｓｔａｇ­ｅ．

For sale: DAVID NIVEN NOVELTY ALARM CLOCK. Wake up like David Niven used to: in *****. See the country in a new car! Wake up to the smell of coffee mixed with David Niven's *****. Laugh, love, scratch your *** like a monkey! The time to die is now! If you're so good at committing suicide; how come you're not dead?

MY SISTER IDENTIFIES AS A MAN - Are you experiencing unwanted ******* pain? Do your teeth fall out when you're experiencing unwanted ******* pain? Have you ever been sedated during surgery only to wake up in the recovery room with unwanted ******* pain? Unwanted ******* pain is no joke and it's even worse now since a man is defined as anyone who identifies as one. For example: "Sister! What's wrong?!" - "I'm experiencing unwanted ******* pain!"

PEOPLE YOUNGER THAN THAT MAY NOT DRINK AND MUST SURVIVE ON VANILLA PUDDING! Men without mustaches have no rights. They may not breathe, breed or train beagles. Women in strapless evening gowns are encouraged to bend over a lot (like they're looking for car keys), especially during Kwanzaa (for some reason). Rabbits make good pets and people under the age of 37 may eat them or enter into civil unions with them like homos used to before the 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘰 court got involved and made them buy marriage licenses.