Sometimes she hides in the carefully constructed sentences and perfectly manicured nails. Sometimes she comes right out rugged, fuller figure from all the eat 'til you get a food coma moments that keep happening "this is the last time" too often.

She has read the books and watched the documentaries and knows what to do but there is this weight on her shoulders that just won't budge no matter how many days she sleeps in, I mean taking time to recharge is productive too..right? So... no sunshine. Darkness and her bed her most trusted, most consistent, most enabling "friends".

"I should get out more."

"I should see people more."

"I should..."

People:

"You have gained so much weight! Oh hi!"

YOU SEE MY DILEMMA?

I am a melody that longs to be sang
I am a dream that longs to be discovered
I am a story that longs to be told
I am a star that longs to shine
Please don't fence me in

I am a picture that longs to be painted
I am a recipe that longs to be cooked
I am new, i am unique
I have never been
And i long to be
I am someone special
Please don't fence me in

Each time you call me lazy
Each time you call me stupid
Each time you call me useless
You lay the the next brick
That houses in the real me
Please don't fence me in

I am the voice of an orphan
I am the voice of the fatherless
I am the voice of a grown woman
I am the voice of a mature man
I am the voice of the rich and poor
I am the voice of everyone who feels
Misunderstood, undermined
Or mistreated
Please don't fence me in

My mouth is shut but my heart
Is screaming i am almost
Losing my strength
From all the shouting and wailing
The cry of my heart is
Do you see me?

Do you know how many times I’ve dragged myself out of this hole before?
Countless for me to point out
And I would emerge smiling and shaking hands with everyone

Somehow in those priceless “I am finally moving forward moments”
I am back in the hole again
And I have to summon all my strength to drag myself out of the hole once more

Guess what I am here again and I look around me and everything is a mess
This time though I do not have strength to even at least make the hole habitable because It doesn’t seem like I’m getting out again anytime soon

Help me

Lifting up my eyes
I start to behold
Peace joy serenity
How could I

The world around me
Offered so many solutions
So many solutions
How could I

I tried and tried
So hard to put
Two and two together
How could I

Life seemed to better
A little but still
There was a catch
How could I

How could I have
Missed you
When you were
Right in front of me

Yah the two young men
The young lady in the bus
My lecturer at college
My own sister
How could I

I hope that one day you will realize that I too bleed when I am cut. I am flesh and blood as much as you are. Maybe then, you will cut me a little slack and allow me to be human too.

The wind too has a story
Blowing from east to west
North to South
Seen it all but still blows all the same
Clearing the streets
Messing the streets

Cursed, Blessed
But it never stops blowing because
That's what its meant to do
Blow us happy
Blow us hysterical

Oh! How i could blow with the wind
Find you in your hiding
Blow you up happy
Blow you up crazy for me again

I'd refresh you with my cool breeze
Make a deal with the sun and the clouds
Blow you up cool on a hot day
blow you up warm on a cold day
Whatever the cost make you smile

If i were the wind
I'd clear all your cares and burdens
All your regrets
Mess you up with my pure love for you
Blow you you up content, restful, joyous

Just if i were the wind i would whistle in the chimney tops
Asong of mine true love
Lost but found
Make the whole world know
i am no ordinary wind
I am a freshly found breeze
In this climatic change heat
A wind of hope and love again
I am the wind

I wish i was perfect but then i don't. For perfect means rigid, unlearned, inexperienced. Perfect people don't live life, they float though it. NO adventures. NO mistakes. Oh really? No. The biggest mistake is to float through life with no sense of purpose. For NO Battle scars. NO Rewards.
There is a haven i crawl to and lie prostrate at. It is like wonderland. When i get there with all my imperfections, worn out from the days battles. My form changes. I get renewed, and yes i am  made perfect. This perfection supersedes the first one by infinity and more. And i choose it. I choose to be washed and cleansed to perfection by the spotless blood of the lamb. My good works i so strive to do daily are filthy rags i am tired of wearing. Emptiness. Condemnation. Guilt. Competition. Are no ways to live. Shackles or perfection? ******* or freedom? I choose to be free. Peace of mind. Genuine love. Joy unspeakable. Rest. I choose to be ME in YOU. The imperfect chosen by a perfect creator.

The first time i saw you
I could not help but notice you
I tried so hard to keep my cool
But my heart got the better part of me
Mouth dry, hands sweaty
Heart thumping so hard
I had to hold it inside my chest
Before it pounded right out
I felt like i was in standard three again
When my teacher asked me
To read my essay in front
Of my class
Boy was I nervous!
Lady you are beautiful

I opened my mouth
To say Hi to you
All I could maage was a squeaky "Ey"
You smiled at me
Curly lips, perfect smile
**** eyes
I swallowed hard
My eyes glued on you
Afraid to blink
In case it was just a day dream
Lady you are beautiful

That day i believed it that God
Had allowed some of His
Angels to come stay with us mortals
After you passed i pinched myself
Took a peep you were still there
Face radiant, figure well sculpted
I felt a trickle of sweat go down my neck
Smiled uncontrollably
Lady you are beautiful

Days passed
No change
It had to be done
Getting to know you
Has opened my eyes to a new revelation
Your outer beauty is nothing compared
To  your inner one
Lady you sure are beautiful

Your light in me illuminates everything good and lovely in me. I love me in you. I love me like you. I love your light in me.

Clear skies
What a surprise
Not a cloud in sight
Its almost as if there was no storm last night

It always seemed like you liked me better quiet
So I went mute in your presence
It always seemed like you loved hearing the sound of your voice
So I became the audience to your non stop chatter

Passions
                                                                ­                                                                 ­                                    Sessions
Rhythmically repeating  

Choices made out of haste

Eluding my very own taste

                                                       How could i have been so careless
                                                       All in the name of being fearless
                                                       Emotions running wild
                                                       Each time i promise

"I will keep it filed"

Filed up
Stored up
Never to open again
Only to come back
To the same mess
Rivers of tears flow
As i realize
What i really am
A slave to my own untamed nature


                                                      **­ Really Needing a Saviour

One without blame
In a world full of sin he came
So that we may not remain the same
I hope you will give him your shame
Because He is ready to give you His name
I promise He will re-ignite your flame
You will burn and on the streets his love proclaim

Today it’s so hard to forget you
Yesterday pushing you away was so easy
Anger and disappointment had clouded my judgement
Insecurity and salvation methods my first haven
Yesterday the memory of you was unclear
Deep in my heart i am sure
That better than a good man
I had been found
A Queen in my own right
Lost and found and lost but got found
But now it seems i am lost again
Look at me
See me
Know me
My heart has not changed
So many words to say to you but
I am silenced
Chase me
Find me again
I want to be found by you
My one month, distant dream Knight
I am in still love with you

I think at the beginning I did not believe it
But I was there…in the flesh…mentally a million miles away

Half of me excited, the other numb
In a way expecting something bad? to happen?

sigh …lurred me in. Finally I was all in.

My guard down.

My worst fears became true

Another side of you I saw.

And now my walls are back up again
Even Flynn Rider cannot ascend this tower

Its not that I do not want to let down my hair
It is just that I have no hair to let down any more

Why do you run?

Why do you hide?

'Cause I know it won’t work

Play it cool
And say hello

And I’ll smile and say
“Hey” to you too

If you ask me:

Illusions run
In the mind of the one
Who is small