Why haven't I
been able to feel
like I did on
October 29, 2010
is it because
that date is still
engrained
in me?

I don't even have words
We crested a mountain
In down pours and
60 mph winds
now I'm home
Wrapped in clothes
and blankets
full of
memories

the street was my mattress
the sky my sheets,
dreaming of a car roaring
and squishing me
but for all my honesty
still death I cheat
I want to leave.
please Reaper, please
ride your midnight stead
scythe over shoulder
dead flame and worn teeth
grab hold my shoulder
split the earth
pull me under
split the earth
let me sleep

I watched videos
that made it through my operating system's
up date
some got lost in the crunch and grind
but a few slipped through
I look happy in the ones recorded for you
but click over one or two
and I seem worn, dilapidated
now I'm incapacitated
it feels like I used up all my romantic love
in a two year span
like after all my sweetness expired is when
I grew into a man
after all, the girls that came after
slowly morphed into women
and the relations I had fell short
of stable
now I reject the label "boyfriend"
I don't make promises because
I don't believe I'll keep them
the last time I held hands
and actually felt warmth
I think I was drunk
and helping someone up
who had fallen
her heel broke, almost did a face plant
I felt sorry and accompanied her home
she babbled and tried to pull me inside
I said
"No"
not because I didn't like her
or want her
I just didn't want to be
haunted by my lack of devotion
someone please come along
set the gears of my machine heart
back in motion
or better yet
turn the cogs back into muscle tissue
change the cables into veins
replace the gasoline
with real pumping blood
so I can once again
feel my heart jump
at the smell of a perfume
a touch
a voice
please
make me
human