I never understood people who look back on
their childhood, back to the best most innocent times of their lives
because my years weren't like that
five years was reading, alone in her room
six years was the beginning of cynicism, telling everyone that those blow up animals were not people and never were
seven years was the beginning of understanding social constructs, feeling lonely in kindergarten but not sure why. I watched a girl from across the playground and fell in love and proposed to her in front of the class but the teacher hushed me and hurried everyone away
eight years was my first best friend but the realization I had no female friends and when they told me I was weird I didn't know what to do so I just shut down
nine years was when my friends declared war on me in the school yard and the first time someone expected me to like a boy
ten years was the beginning of anxiety and the first obsession: owls
eleven years was depression, grades dropping, awkward cargo shorts, when I first knew about *** and that year I loved wolves
twelve years was my first love (second if you count the girl in kindergarten) I waited for him outside his mom's classroom and I thought he was the most beautiful of all humanity. he was my newest obsession. I dated that boy with the silly name but we never talked in person and I started feeling something like a crush for my friend sofia. I found someone else to love at my new school and I was forced to admit my sexuality to myself
thirteen years was when I told Pam and everyone at school that I liked girls and I had my first sleepover, my first taste of 'popularity', I kissed my first girl, thirteen was when the anxiety faded away, the world appeared bright and clear. I found God that year. I hurtled through a roller coaster and my parents cursed me out the first time and I loved it, I loved every second
fourteen years was when I recognized my own soul and when others did too, it was when I stopped reading because the real world was good enough, I kissed someone that I didn't love but his lips were warm and the sun was bright that day and he called me 'his girl' and I loved that, if not him.
fifteen years was when I shouldered the responsibility of my impact and I understood what the world needed from me and I was ready to do it, I learned what love looked like that year and I found my favorite genre of
music and I can finally speak in front of people, I have friends that love me and I will never lose myself away from this world because it is finally beautiful, there is no magic of my childhood to return to because the magic is now, I am ready and willing to grow old and throw myself raw into this world with cares and worries because that is what makes life great and at sixteen I hope to lose myself to passion and go crazy with love, I hope to learn how to treat people and hold them close, I hope to become selfless, toss my soul in the fire, I hope there are many dark starry nights and many lonely rainy mornings and many sunny car rides and my birthday is in the winter so my world has always revolved around getting warmer, I was born when it was dark but it got brighter, it keeps getting brighter and bigger and warmer and sixteen will take me further than I ever thought I could go.