I never really understood
why anybody would want to hurt
themselves
it confused me
I thought it was contradicting
because nobody liked pain

until the days got longer and I started crying into my pillow
changed the cases so my mom wouldn't see
all of the mascara stains

then when I started crying the middle of class
because of anger
its socially unacceptable to throw tantrums
or cuss someone out in the middle of the hall
or punch a wall

so you have to keep it in
and stay silent

then the breakdown in the middle of the night
nobody to talk to
they all call my suicidal thoughts tomfoolery
and attention seeking
because its so often I have these nights
so I stopped relying on imaginary hearts
and silently
crying wasn't enough
to fill my 3 am emptiness
nobody could hear I was unstable

no screaming
no burning old pictures
no breaking plates
just silence
so the quietest option was a blade

and yet the scars remain to show weakness and instability
but at least they can be covered
and nobody's is being awaken in the mid night

that's all they care about
not how you feel but how you look

and that's how I figured out
why anybody would hurt themselves