In the weeks , months and even the first year after my husband's brutal death in 2002 , the occasional mall visit would turn into bleak despair every time . I automatically scanned faces looking for him, until I remembered suddenly that he was dead. I felt like I was on an island of heartbreak in the middle of a crowded mall. Life rushed past me during those times , and I felt like a total outcast, nothing in common with everyday life anymore.