I do not want to be a girl so easily over looked for sleep.
The blessed invitation for your hands to make my planes and valleys your home answered with fear, maybe?
I want to be desirable
I want to be unforgettable
The feeling of rejection stings like scraping fingernails across my deepest insecurities
I want to spit out this feeling into my wineglass.
Instead it is silently swallowed
gathering like bile in my gut
My therapist calls these ANTS
(automatic negative thoughts)
and they whisper desperation
Aching “fill me”, “fill me”
Consume till you feel whole.
I give so much to those who only know how to return less than half.
Remind yourself that you are a storm
and everyone is a walking warning label.
and really we all have spaces to fill
like the area behind me on our friends couch which you take up till you are wrapped around my like a vine
and how I have always loved the resilience of plants, just like I love your arm around me
and you and I are resilient.
each in our own ways I know, because the physical is the physical and the friendship is what we have got
those mornings following your body with mine
your lips on my neck tracing cigarette burns
I have never smoked in my life, it would not ever feel nearly this good.
The light in me sees the light in you
singed at my edges
I want to see more
and
I want to ache less