Unsettled fingertips tap the counter and
I clench my fists
Unclench
Clench
Unclench
Clench
I live inside Salem,
A body of mystery and fear
Torn between truth and myth,
The void exactly where you wanted me

"Are we going to fix it?"
We don't talk about it
"Is it going to work?"
We don't talk about it
"I love you"
We don't ******* talk about it

5 years is an eternity for girls living apart
Separate states and contrastive attitudes
Regarding colorful race and travelling the world
I wanted adventure and you wanted safe

I think about you when I row the river,
I think about you when I paint the landscapes and
I think about you when I'm drinking
A wrecked, terse woman wasting in oblivion

You injected distrust in each of my veins,
slowly seeping throughout my body,
Creating a coma of emotional insecurity
year
after
year

And I believed you this time
I believed you last time and
the time after that but
I will not believe you the next time

I sat on the curb at 3am and discussed
endless options of our future
I didn't need to prove myself further,
Since I've already done the hard part,
Driving 5 hours in the middle of the night,
in secret to see you, darling

"Are you coming?"
"I'm coming"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure"
Do you promise?"
"I promise"

I did the hard part and it was your turn
Your turn to prove that you meant it,
that you wanted it to work

The sun was pouring that day,
When you cried and choked on the words,
"I like a boy,"
Words that weren't so foreign
but that were piercing to my heart

"It's okay," I said
"I still love you," I said
A beautiful mountain girl surrounded
by bigotry and hate in a state full
of so much beauty

Acidic tendencies in the middle of the night,
I washed my hair with your ******* forgery,
My eyes poured for days, unceasing
Unrelenting
Ultraviolence on repeat because
Lana can make it beautiful

A heartbreak so heartbreaking
and I loved you
I loved you more than the pale moonlit mountains
and the Ferris Wheel skidding the clouds and
I loved you more than jars full of sand and
Midnight fireflies and cool, sophic fire scented air
I loved you more than loose t-shirts on lazy days
and I ******* loved you

"I love you more than this mixtape,"
with the memories of swaying palms and
gravitating tide pulls and a simple sentence of
"You look so familiar."

I wish I had never seen you
Blonde hair, windy
Blue eyes, angry
I wish I had never glanced toward the deck 5 years ago
on the shore where all things seemed beautiful

Because All Things Seem Beautiful
at first, before the crash of thunder and
Before paradise lost its way home

"It's not goodbye," you said
"It's see you later," you said
And I wish it was the former and never the latter
Because this road was lost many years ago when
Empty promises promised to exist

You've broken my heart and
I
Loved
It
because with you, dark nights
seem a little breezier and howling coyotes
drown out country ambitions because
with you, with all of you,
it's too safe
Too ******* safe

I loved you the first time,
and I loved you the last time
I need my trust back and I can't be waiting
for you to make up your mind on your *******
domesticated relationships because you feel
better hiding than being passionate

Hiding behind your masculine partner,
A partner so very vague and so very safe,
when you didn't take the chance that I did
A chance that would have worked, for as long
as things really work
I would've tried for you

I need to trust again
I need believe when others say that they're coming
I need this distrust to deteriorate because
I can't do days of stomach aches and
gipping anxiety anymore
I need to trust and to love because
I know that I'm good at it,
but you've taken my ability to love
and flushed it like cold coffee

This is okay
I am okay
Because each day that I go from you,
the happier I feel and the freer I feel
I'm a kite that catches the wind at ungodly times
of night and a gemstone that scratches too easily
when promised a warranty

Goodbye to you, beautiful mountain girl
I'm saying what I need for me and never for you
because I loved you in past tense and the present
is so forbidden

Goodluck with your normalcy,
while you lick your lips with Jesus
and while I light a cigarette so sweet and pure
Goodbye, beautiful mountain girl
Goodbye