(I.)
What if I told you
About the person I once loved
And probably still love
And miss
With all my heart?
Such was a kind
When I was a kid
Caring fellow
O How he loved me
Love like I never knew
He carried savage lies
As they ravaged the
vein branches of his innocence
Needled, repeated
Poisoned again and then...
(II.)
There! - I would point -
With a small boys urgency
Just there!
Seething,
Slithering,
Snaking
Like a Medusas head
Beneath untainted skin
He was the gatekeeper of insidious secrets
Hero of my happiness and
Gaoler of sticking sorrows
His -
Mine -
Brother-father of mine
You never let on -
Stayed true
A kid of four with
An absurd peculiar burden
Peculiar truth
Peculiar responsibility
For a little boy -
"Grow up, grow up!" came the witch like demands
Of the situation makers
His horned and calloused skin
Thickened by the trickery
Because a lie needs a lie needs a lie -
(III.)
I hated him for that
I loved him, too
Was all I knew
He was my best friend
We were partners against
Heinous idiocy
And who could ever
Understand-
When understanding was the least of any ones concern?
(IV.)
What if I told you
How we were kids once
We two brothers
Necessary friends
When all other children could ever do
was only ever
as children can do?
Shared innocence
Shared love
A depth, an understanding
remained "us and ours"
Then to now - forever just "us and ours"
Our pain
Our secret
Origin to morose self loathing
(V.)
Remember me  
Brother!
I miss you
I long for how
I would hold your hand
When it was mine to hold
I would ****** it greedily
Convinced it would always be-
(VI,)
You knew me when I
Was Primary School made, unfettered
A free and happy kid
Before I was double figured
Before this life demanded
(VII.)
Was my third year in -
2 years and one marked
Collapse
And the beginning of a lifetimes bereavement
Why'd it have to change
This playful aura of early education?
Yellowing school building boards
Warming sun and wide verandah
Grey wooden expanse in my mind
Friends were mine then
"Friends" O where - I wonder
There was Ian and Phil
and Igor
I recall
and Laura -
maybe Georgina too
We'd play catch'n'kiss or
Catch'n'pretend
(I could never catch those summer afternoon dresses)
(VIII.)
Sometimes I go back to that playground
I imagine the heckling crackling of dead red leaves beneath my feet
Dry leaves and the screaming of little girls
Old man winter tree would watch on
Witness to free and early personality forming
I think on the winding valley avenue
Weeping willow waiting
Dangling, dancing, dappling
In this sacred Summer haze
What happened to my childhood?
(IX.)
You were there, brother
It was flat chat and Pine Gap
In every home a Big Mac...
My super hero
I'd sing about you
All praise and fond regard
You told me
mum said
We're moving
I tried to make it best
All courage and flexibility
But starting is always hardest
When starting presents tough, tangling challenges.