I am terrified.
I can't watch crime shows anymore,
I can't even enjoy the book I'm reading for English class.
Sometimes when I look out my window, instead of my eyes finding the stars, they just stare out into nothing, imagining what could be lurking there,
It terrifies me.
There are few things that scare me,
Being perfection, when someone I love is hurting, and the idea of man being inherently evil.
I know it's a bit contradictory but I am who I am and I think what I think.
Perfection haunts me because I want to always be me and being perfect, I feel I would lose my humanity,
The people I love the most are the ones who suffer most, I don't know why, I'm not sure how to help, we don't always get to even talk, but just the idea of someone I love hurting and me not being able to help, god it's awful, and the worst part is it's more than an idea because I know they are, but I can't make them choose me to help, and they don't on their own, so there is nothing I can do for them,
And man being inherently evil? I don't know how I can even reconcile this in my head, I know it's messed up somewhere, especially if it's at the point where I know it makes no sense but I still feel it's true, but I guess I feel man can reach perfection, it is his ultimate goal,
And if we start out evil, and evil is our nature, than how could we ever become worthy?
and what would become of our wicked souls?
I believe I am good, that I am getting better,
And that sways me to relief, but then I turn on the TV, and there's someone killing another man and for what? Too see if he could, money? A grudge, enjoyment of the action?
And I guess that's my fear there, because it means either I too am evil, or I am different from who should be my brothers, and they will suffer for what they could not control,
And I'm not sure which I would prefer.
I like to believe that God only let the devil fall so he could earn his way into the kingdom instead of just being given it, but that doesn't make it true.