I could feel it
I just knew something bad was going to happen
And sure enough it did.
Self-fulfilling prophecy?
Maybe.

Cheeks flushed from wine
Stomach burning
So easy to go from ecstatic to devastated
Alcohol can be funny like that sometimes

My eyes fill with tears
Uncontrollable
A friend mourning the end of a chapter
Too drunk to realize that there is no end and no beginning

Making sounds I didn't know I could make
from crying
so
*******
hard
I will never fully understand why it hurt so bad

Food just didn't taste quite as good for a few days
That is, when I would make it out of bed to even get a taste.
To say I was devastated would have been an understatement.

I even wrote you a letter that I never sent
Not like you would have read it anyway.
I didn't exist anymore in your world,
so at least I could pretend we had closure and forgiveness, right?

And despite all of this,
I wouldn't change any of it,
and I honestly have to thank you.

Thank you for doing what you did,
saying everything you said
and for everything you didn't say.

I needed you to do that.
It forced me to take a nice, hard look at myself,
fully exposed in the mirror.
It gave me the courage and motivation to make a change.

Judging from outward appearances
and from a distance,
maybe I seem the same.
Same job, same living situation.
But internally,
I am a completely different person
compared to who I was that horrible night.

I love who I am now.
I am better.
I am stronger.
I am confident.
I am open to give and receive.
I am grateful.
I am awake.

I hope that you will one day feel this way about yourself.
Thanks for being my catalyst.