Everything feels messy
She is wonderful
I don’t know what I’m doing
- To cause her pain
Something undesired
Muscles poised: I want to run
To flirt with spontaneity
To hug strangers
Eyes sending love
I want to have a base
A place to go that is my own
Quiet. Blank. Private.
Freedom.
“You’re such a free spirit”
He said
“Of course you freak out”
I want my life to be simple
And clear
And understood. At least mostly.
Definable.
This chaos runs out of lines
The ink drips
Boxes become smudges
And the drum beats
‘He’s leaving
He’s leaving
He’s leaving’
I’m still questioning my sexuality
Confirmation is a moment
It passes.
Leaving vague memory
A trace.
Not enough of a trace.
“Relax: let everything fall apart except you”
He said.
Wouldn’t that bring more chaos?
I’m trying to hold everything together
To pretend to the outside
EVERYTHING IS OKAY
Says Catbug
And they smile
“How cute”
And that is enough
But inside drips and pools
Something is collapsing
Nothing seems real anymore.