i sit at the table
watching my fingertips
caress the wineglass
idly contemplating the day

no....my mind races  
and careens about
the alley and byways,
of my psyche
bouncing off
walls of guilt...
i am fast,
coming,
undone.

i look at you,
and know my world
is, safe and complete
a smile, comes to my face

no.... i grimace slightly
as i look at you...
your perfection
diminishes me
until i am,
but a whispered,
mockery of myself.

i lift my glass
to partake sparingly
of the rich woody red wine

no...i dive in headfirst
to the bottle of red wine
hoping, to get lost
in it's woods
and then drown
in the dregs.

we end the evening
on a gentle kiss.

no... we rut like animals
with out care
before you leave,
without a backward
glance.

i sigh in quiet happiness
as i watch you sleep.

no.... i weep as i retch
and *****...on the motel's
bathroom floor.

i am lucky
to be so loved

*no one
gives a ****
about me