I don’t think you need to be cold and buried underground to be considered dead. I don’t think the day your mother gives birth to you and you take your first breath of fresh air is the day you become alive. I think you can walk around, numb and detached and bored and lifeless, always searching for something, anything to make you feel or become alive. I think I’m trying so hard to feel something, excited, enlightened, inspired, motivated, passion, deep raw love, or even that heat coursing through your veins kind of anger, anything really. I think I want to feel something so badly that I pursued fake friends, pushed myself into relationships or meaningless flings with boys I thought were special and who were wrong for me. I think that I used alcohol and drugs or any kind of poison to make my body, feel or taste anything artificial that only lasted for a few hours.. but it was better than feeling nothing, ever. I think getting high or completely wasted was all I could get close to actually feeling anything. I think I tried so hard to make myself believe I felt or loved or cared about people. The truth is I don’t. I imprisoned myself and only let people see a mere glimpse of the person I was and who I wanted to be. I think I shut off all emotions and removed myself from real life, and thats why no one really knows me now. I don’t think anyone truly knows my deep thoughts, opinions, feelings about anything. I don’t think anyone knows my true intellect or hobbies or dreams or evils or hopes, pains. I think its honestly sad that people think that I care if they leave my life and never speak to me again. I think it’s sad on how bad I want to care but don’t as much as I should. I think it’s weird that I am just a walking corpse and that I have attachments to a lot of past memories and people and places that are currently making up my teen years. I think all of who I am is just a dead weight of decaying bones and I think my real self is trapped in this decaying body, and that once I escape all of the memories and future things will be buried with it, like someone else’s old life. I think its even worse that people think they know me, that they know whats going on in my head, but I am at war with myself everyday. Recently, I let someone in, it meant a lot to me for someone to actually know me, and to be known by them, inside and out. It’s incredibly hard to let someone in that close to you, and it irritates me. I think the day you met the love of your life, soulmate you start to feel things, you start to feel so incredibly much more than you ever thought humanly possible. That you think its so much emotion that you will eventually get ill, the good kind of ill. That you also feel scared and horrified that someone is actually sweeping through tiny cracks of the walls you put around your heart for so long. I personally think it will hurt more, physically to feel them crumble down. I think it’s mind blowing that because of one day, and one person that someone can feel human. I think that’s why people say they can’t live without someone, because you were never even living before you met them. How can you really live without someone that literally brought you to life?