I needed to know it would be okay tonight
Even though my heart kept telling me
It wasn’t

I wanted to bottle my emotions and throw them far out to sea
Even though I knew
The bottle would come back inevitably

I drew sunshine and rainbows all over my paper with brightly coloured crayons
My fingers curled around the black one as I slashed thunderclouds and lightning bolts through the sun

I listened to happy music and tried dancing like no one was watching
I sat down on the ground, just sat there in the middle of my room and thought this is so stupid
I turned off the music and contemplated my existence

I went to my journal, opened it to a fresh page
but didn’t write
I just wanted to see my tears hit the paper
I just wanted to see the evidence

I got online

I wrote inspirational posts about being so much more than you think you are and
You are beautiful don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise
Smile, I told them, it will be okay
I needed to know it would be okay
So I told others it would be okay
And slowly,
I began to believe myself