I think sometimes,
darkness falls
&
we are in it, regardless of
circumstance or event,
regardless of whether
we are adored, loved, graced
& promised.

Pain isn't external,
it sits deep in me,
a lump in my throat,
an echo in my chest,
&
it is real
&
raw
& it digs.

It removes any of the joy,
flattery, content others
may take for granted.

It buries deeper
&
deeper.

Right to the core,
the soul.

It screams
&
silences your whispers.

I wish to sleep
& I fear I may not be able
to keep on top of
the endless digging.

Deeper.
Each hour that passes.
I tell myself sleep is for the weak.
A mental battle between my own mind
&
reality.

I crave the rest yet I,
detest the fear.

Sleep has become an enemy.
Bitter sweet.
Compassionate yet punishing.

I lie there some nights, waiting.
It is incessant most nights.
I fight the need to sleep.
I can cope without sleep.
Days at a time, of course.

I can exist on the air I breath
&
little else.

And so they fade, one into another. I lose sense of reality or the realistic patterns of life. I exist in my bubble & as much as it is hell, it is a cocoon of detachment. Feared but lost within this mind.

Insomnia is the bully. It has tortured me since my teens. Who knows if its lingering presence will ever liberate me, my mind, my joy, my life or my dreams.

Hope is a cynicism at these times. All the love & praise & wonder I am presented with on this thirty second birthday could merely be lost in a nightmare of what is most probably my own making.

The ******* within me always seems to win this war.
We have a love hate relationship
&
we have for many many years.

© Sia Jane