i remember the first day we really talked. it didn't take long for me to seep through the your interior and wish that you would soak all of me into that passionate heart of yours.

you made me laugh harder than i had in a while - a genuine laugh, a genuine smile. she joked around about whether we were becoming best friends or not. we both laughed it off, but my eyes gave it away anyway.

i remember strike one and i had no idea your heart was elsewhere and you had no idea hers was too. i was in denial. there was no way that this would happen again, the whole liking thing hasn't been going all too well for me and i wanted to keep my promise that i would not hurt myself again.

but the power of your sympathy and the radiance of your eyes kept me in place.

i stood motionless in your shadow for a while, until you slowly opened up to me and whatever quality you saw in me back then that you deemed worthy enough to lower some of your mask to. and i was so willing to take that mask and throw it on the floor, but you made sure that i could not do that without grabbing some of mine too.

i got to feel the delicacy of your presence; i understood what girls raved about. and i thought i would be different - the girl who broke the barrier to get to your heart and take it away. but i was wrong and there's nothing i can do about it.

my emotions hit me harder than the tiles in my bathroom floor that i hit knowing that you wanted to be completely and utterly with someone else. knowing that everything i interpreted was analyzed wrong and that nothing meant anything to anyone but me.

and i tried so **** hard to get back up again and i finally did but i can't last months and weeks were enough to send me crumbling down again, this time taking you with my fall. and i thought that there was something. i think that there is something. but something is defined differently by everyone and my luck hasn't been all too great for it to contain a positive connotation.

and now, emotional breakdown number three has yet to hit me but i can feel it coming down the tracks of my mind like a freight train containing in it all of my regrets and a gun to shoot down all of my confidence. and i swear every day she gets more beautiful and i look in the mirror and see myself become uglier and uglier and i see you radiate more and more and i wish that i could say something and grab you here with me so that we can look at the constellations together and not speak but just feel our presence and not think and not over complicate things but i cant.

and i never will be able to.