i miss the undeniable belief i used to maintain that heaven was real
that heaven would be there whether i finally decided for sure that i didn't need to stick around any further or if i left when my time truly came
that i'd be able to kick it with my dad and elvis presley
meet some rad dead person and see if she lives up to the hype
like cleopatra or someone. don't ask me.
that i could watch on some sort of heaven home theater how the people i left behind were doing
if they were thinking about me, if they were sad i was gone, but still able to move on with their lives, because that's what i would want for them, i think
it bothers me that i don't really believe in any of that anymore
it's a strange, nostalgic genre of fiction to me, heaven is
a concept that's too abstract for me to entirely wrap my head around
i want to believe, but it all seems too fake
too much like what the white men in the church would create as an ideal way for little girls to oppress themselves and for people to refrain from doing actions that would be frowned upon
i do these actions without the fear i'll be denied from heaven
heaven can't be real to me, no matter how much despair comes to me when i think of how much i need it to be real