I am on the cutting edge tonight.
I feel it…the overwhelming urge to cut.
I have the razor blades laying here beside me.
The light reflects off the shiny metal beckoning me to pick it up.
Looking for a sign?
This is it.

When this all bubbles up I can no longer just shove it all back down again, not like I used to.
It just lingers in the back of my throat, in the pit of my stomach, and threatens me with nausea and the taste of ***** when I least expect it. I wanted the therapist to help me but earlier he was not that nice on the phone so I reciprocate in kind.  But I need his help but don't deserve it.  I want to scream! I want to just get what I deserve! Just do it already! I want to disappear from it all. I hate it! I want to destroy the parts of myself that make me “her”. I’m so tired of feeling overwhelmed and alone in this. I don’t want to remember. I want it to go away, and yet still, it lingers. It feels like a razor sharp slowly piercing my skin from my elbow right down to my wrist. It leaves me bleeding, an open wound, scars on my soul. I know exactly how it feels, I can imagine it right now, the sensation of the razor piercing my skin and it thrills me and repulses me at the same time. Why won’t someone take it away? Even just for a day.  

Why doesn’t it go away?
Why can’t I trust?
Why can’t I get through this?
I am lost and afraid.
If I reach out, he could hurt us, if I don’t, I could die.

Reached out.  
Bad Idea.
He was mad at me for bothering him.
I could tell.

I don't want to play anymore.