to live without living
exist, without existing
trying to find excuses
for why you're exhausted
trying to find reasons
for why you're nauseous
it feels like walking upsidedown into a room
full of strangers you once knew yesterday
or like eating fruit over the bathroom sink
it's flavor disappearing as it hits your teeth
a text message or two from a friend
saying words you replied to an hour ago
heavy fur purring on your back, empty
as you lie with your arms around a pillow
the clock reading 9pm, then 3
sitting by an empty pizza box on the table
while eating Chinese takeout you never ordered
but it doesn't hurt
it doesn't even feel disappointing
you watch the rain fall
the rain dry, and the sun set
then a week has passed
all in a minute
of staring at the windows
while the bus rattles forward
and you head waves back
you know that your healthy
you know you're trying your best
but the rattling nothingness
echos in a room full of noise anyway