Somehow you saw that

I wake each day as though my purpose is to walk aimlessly with no desire to live.
I reject anything that promises security and has the chance of leaving me abandoned because
I grow in this cage of in securities that casts a foreboding shadow on any joy that comes my way.

You saw but you didn't really know that

My insides still scream , I want you to know !!
This feeling of 'I hate me' eats me whole,
It withers my conscious until its dark deserted leaving me nearly demented.
I feel obligated to smile but its in pieces from this constant silent reminder of 'you're too fat too fit  in'
So my body heaves over toilet seats but its  too numb to regurgitate, and leaves me with the gut wrenching realization that my tears are only worth urinals.
I see my reflection and it hurts me more, so with each ticking hour I'm broken with more velvet lines chartered on my arms, looking like a surgeons artwork. I die with handfuls of depressants altering my state of being ,invading, because I'd rather be far away. But mostly I lie with hard burning liquor for that instant buzz because its easier to blame a downer for these mad depressing days than to say 'I'm sad'.

Maybe now you know

But until I break from this mind forged ;
two legged,
two armed,  
one headed prison called my body...
Falling in love ,
Being happy ,
Believing
are foreign concepts