Sometimes I dream of scratching and digging viciously at his skin As if I am trying to take back what I lost inside of him What he tore away from me without my permission
Four years later and I still cringe
He was so many firsts First boyfriend First 4 hour phone call First person to see me naked Undeniably bare and fresh and perfect My body like an untouched lump of clay Waiting for his hands to twist, mold, and taint it First relationship First time my body was a scale He was so much weight
He never stopped Especially after he would hear me utter “no” He took away so much of me
Compromise was turning off the lights Shutting my eyes as tight as they could go Until it was all over And I could breathe again
What was it that coerced him to finger me under the blanket in front of my siblings? What was it that compelled him to ignore all of the no's? What was it that drove him to take me upstairs to my bed while my own grandmother was just a room away and ****** himself inside of me without my consent? What was it that made his hands cause every single centimeter of my skin to flinch? Will I ever be forgiven for the sins I did not commit, but unintentionally created?
After it happened My sanity seemed to be a balancing act I felt like an old, empty museum An eviscerated monument Something that used to hold so much worth Something that was now meaningless Futile And Disgusting
Shortly after, denial surfaced It took over and replaced my name Every single minute of every single day I was telling myself over and over and over That it never happened All in an attempt to make it go away Doing everything I could to prevent myself From ever admitting it Doing everything in my will to forget But failing so miserably
I called it an armed robbery As if he could bust through my chest Tear open my ribs And steal everything that made my heart dance And then nail its wings to his filthy trophy wall
For a long time after I was careless A fallen angel Looking for love In the same way in which I lost it Looking for love In the same way in which I got to know pain and hurt intimately It was a continuous game of innocence being lost
I was a lost and forgotten treasure Living in a garden of destruction Scared and ****** up and doing everything that I thought I needed Thirsting for all of the medicine that I thought they had
I was stuck in the greatest darkness of my life As I tried to convince myself that the men I met along the journey Were my only light I couldn't help but to seek safety in other people For it was in another person that I lost all sense of my own security
I was someone who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone There was constant bloodshed in my head and in my heart
So I did the things I did hoping I could make it all rewind Go back to the very first day when I wasn't strong enough to get up and leave After all of my thousands of insistent no's were intentionally ignored and thrown aside
I was disgusted with myself Constantly putting myself down Tearing myself apart From the inside out and the outside in
Most days I would feel ***** (somedays I still do) Contaminated Defiled Repulsive
It was hard to keep praying to someone who had me on hold When all I wanted was for someone to hold me Or at the least, Something to hold on to
I think back and can't help but recall How difficult it was to breathe in public
I felt hardened I wanted someone to tell me that it wasn't my fault To remind me that life is suffering And existing is a coincidence And that I am only a witness to half of it
I suppose that intimacy is the art of licking wounds Because it has taken me years to let anyone kiss me with my lips chapped and my body tense my eyes flitting and my heart hiding
Four years later and I still cringe
My father is always talking about how strong I am He is so proud of my resilience that it sometimes makes me uneasy He loves to brag about me to other people Saying that I am capable of anything and everything All because of everything I have been through and all that I have overcome
But the thing is He doesn't even know half of it He has no idea about what happened four years ago About what continued to happen after that day
Now that time has passed And I have finally healed (somewhat) There's no denying that a part of me Will always ache and burn because of this But I have realized that I am not the one who is broken He is, The monster who did this to me
And nothing has been stolen from me Because my body is not a castoff And there is nothing that sits inside of me Bearing my worth
There is no trinket that can be seen Touched Or taken ****** from my stomach Only to be left somewhere on the concrete Or buried deep within a dumpster And lost forever
Yes, something was seized from me That I will never get back But I refuse to watch myself collapse
I have heard that one in three women will be ***** Or sexually abused In their lifetime