Who do you pray to? on my knees palms forced together leaning against the wall my head touching raw cold paint. I speak out loud whispering voices inside my head & my heart continuing to speak courage is summoned chattering out words sentences slowly forming. I am asking questions impossible praying to a god that I don't even know I believe in yet so many nights down on my knees finding myself mid prayer. I realise my hypocrisy as I only ever grace a god when struggles tear me apart knock me down or jubilations, thanking above secrets from this soul. I spend over thirty minutes on these knees, bruised, worn from day after day of prayer gravel floors & concrete walls creatures crawling everywhere. I beg for forgiveness for those sins I assumed committed tears in my eyes welling & glassy forgive me lord I have sinned. I promise to do better, be better wiping the tears my fingers covered in black mascara smears across the sinner or the saints face. I'm still on my knees resembling those at the wailing wall my nose & right cheek pressed to the side not only praying but wishing, hoping, a sight close to begging. I wonder where I lost my pride if anyone were to see me my life would surely end a single drop is all I need for the simplistic to keep me safe from my own heart its sorrows, loves & all who penetrate my attempted rhino thick skin. I even talk to god about love there is no company in this girls story she talks aloud of love of passion, words I would never dare share with another. I am caught between four walls this room has heard so much in the decades gone confessions blood smeared walls the names of past lovers spelled out my heartbreak, take away that tourniquet that allows the cleansing of my soul cathartic bleeding, wash away the monsters below the skin ivory skin, silver scars marked a sketched out story on me, and on the walls of this cage.